Friday, January 9, 2009

2008 Season Wrap-Up

Hello sports fans, and welcome to my season ending entry in my “popular” series of blogs. Lots to discuss, it was a pretty good bowl season, as well as some off-season announcement and hiring (no bullshit) considering this blog itself. I’m not going to discuss every single bowl. Does anybody really care that much about Fresno State-Colorado State? The answer, of course, is no. So, without further bullshitting, here comes the pain!

-BYU managed to completely fuck up my bowl picks from day one by not beating Arizona. Seriously though, this one is my fault. I should have guessed that a team that lost its only two contests of any value during the season (TCU and Utah) would drop its bowl game to an improving Arizona.

-Did anybody else see the worlds most horrific injury in the Southern Miss-Troy matchup? A WR for Southern Miss… well…. Here, do this instead. Hold your arm out as stretch as you can. Now bend it at a 90 degree angle at the elbow. That is what his SHIN did. On nothing. He wasn’t hit. The turf just fucked him up. Apparently, from what I’ve heard, he is on track to make an excellent recovery, and could play next season. Hopefully he will. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Yeah, that’s a lie. I would.

-Ahhhhh, the Poinsettia Bowl. Now, I missed most of this game, instead being on a party bus celebrating a friend graduating from Nevada (more on those jerks later). What was great was getting off just in time to see BSU lose the game on a trick play. HINT TO PLAYCALLERS EVERYWHERE: If there is something you always pull out in a certain situation, say, a trick play at the end of a bowl game, you should probably stop. It makes it a lot easier for your opponents. Anyway, from what I’ve heard, great game all around.

-The Hawaii Bowl featured the second most annoying commentary of all time, with a group of chucklefucks that could not, no matter how hard they tried, stop jerking off Notre Dame Quarterback Jimmy “Santa” Clausen (their nickname, as I am not that stupid). Seriously, if a blind man were watching (harharhar) the game, he would assume that Clausen had apparently cured every disease known to man with his miraculous throwing. Of course, not mentioned was the fact that this game was played against HAWAII. So, I offer some advice to every broadcaster out there. Don’t pretend like a team from the WAC that doesn’t rhyme with Moise Mate is legitimate competition. The only ones who would listen to you are the die-hard fans of their opposition, and they are already so far in that it doesn’t matter what you say. Morons.

-Florida State is well on their way to becoming a threat nationally. After dismantling Wisconsin 42-13, people better lookout for them. Funny story about this game, I was napping on the couch during it. I would wake up every 5 minutes or so, and whenever I did, FSU’s score went up by a touchdown. Ok, that wasn’t so much funny as it was stupid and boring.

-Cal beat Miami, which was fun for everybody. It was a good, close game. I don’t have anything clever to say about it, I just wanted to mention that a PAC-10 team won another bowl game. This is important for something later.

-Louisiana Tech would go on to prove me correct in my pre-bowl assessment that they would be the only WAC team to win a bowl game this year. This gives me great personal pleasure. It’s not as if I’m a die-hard La. Tech fan or anything, I just like being right about unimportant shit.

-Mizzou, pre-season contenders, beat shitty Northwestern in overtime. Chase “Interceptron 3000” Daniels did his best to ruin it for Mizzou by throwing somewhere around 18000 interceptions. Sadly for him, the rest of his team was way too good to fall for that. After this game, I would go to discover the joys of playing Big Buck Hunter at a bar (they are many).

-So, how about Nevada in bowl games? They certainly are becoming a mini-Oklahoma. That isn’t fair. But it kind of is. Although, this game (which I attended in person) certainly did prove that Nevada can’t win with me in the audience. My bad, Wolf Pack.

-Oregon convincingly beat OkSU. It also featured a hit that I am sure OkSU QB Zac Robinson is still feeling, because it was one of those that even the announcers pause a bit for. Also, keep track, because this is another PAC-10 bowl win.

-Vanderbilt beat BC by the almost Baseballesque score of 16-14. Yay Vandy?

-That same day, Kansas devastated a much improved but still shitty Minnesota team, 42-21. All credit to the Gophers for going from 1-11 to 7-6. But losing that badly? Wow… Especially when, all things considered, KU was a fairly mediocre team this year.

-Oregon State somehow managed to beat Pitt. It was a wonderful game, feature lots of great offense, stopped by two stifling defenses. Actually, no, that’s a lie. Both teams kept fucking up. This is evidenced by the final score of 3-0. Hey guys? Even Washington could score points this year.

-The Orange Bowl happened. Did you watch it? I did, until I was put into a sandwich related coma. This is due in part to…

-THE ROSE BOWL! USC beat Penn STTTTTTAAAAAAATTTTTEEEEEEE 38-24. But don’t let that score fool you; the game wasn’t close. USC made a convincing statement here for being ranked #1/starting a play-off. These arguments were helped by the PAC-10 winning all 5 of its bowl games. “Down year” indeed.

-So, some Sugar Bowl, huh? Do you realize that if Utah hadn’t scored after the first quarter, they STILL would have beat Alabama? Damn. I guess all my shit talking was proved wrong. Utah deserved that win. Also, hey Saban? Saying “We were the only team to go unbeaten in a real conference” was, in retrospect, a piss-poor idea.

-Buffalo lost their first bowl game in history. If you missed it, here is their story. Way back when, they got invited to play in some bowl in Florida. The catch? Their two black players couldn’t come. It was put to a team vote: not go at all, or leave the two behind and play. Thankfully, they decided to go with the only thing that reasonable people would do, and skipped the game. So, karmically, they deserved this win. Which I give to them in Spirit. So you heard it here first folks: Buffalo has never lost a bowl game.

-Then Texas barely beat Ohio State. I could talk about all sorts of things here. But, I’ve noticed that for the most part, Texas fans are idiots (not you Matt) who don’t listen to things like “logic” or “reason.” They did not help their case to be in the Mythical National Championship, by squeaking by a team that many considered to be the weakest BCS team since the inception of the BCS in 1998. Also, Mack Brown is full of shit. He said after the game that he would vote Texas #1 in the coaches poll. He did not. The only non-Florida vote was for Utah.

-And so we come to the MNC itself. Oklahoma against Tim Tebow and 10 other jerkoffs in jerseys. I kid, of course. Percy Harvin was also on the field for Florida. It was… disappointing, to say the least. We all expected a shoot out and a bloodbath. Instead, we got interceptions and questionable playcalling. Oh, and Tim Tebow got flagged for unsportsmanlike conduct after Gator chomping a Sooner. It was Nic Harris, who supposedly “injured Harvin again on purpose” by grabbing his ankle while standing up. Folks, let me tell you something. Harris is a big boy, as is Harvin. Firstly, Harvin was out of the game for maybe 3 minutes. Secondly, if either of them had wanted to injure the other, they could have. My guess is Harris just had a moment where he wasn’t thinking straight. Besides, Florida won.

-As an aside to the game above, thank FUCK that FOX loses the BCS games in a couple seasons. I’ll take idiots over-explaining things and always rooting for the home team over a couple of grown ass men dropping such gems as “That is the first thing he has ever done wrong in his entire life!” or “Spend five minutes in a room with him and your life will be better for it” or “Just look at all he has accomplished by the age of 21: the Heisman, two national championships, missionary work in other countries where they name kids after him!” in reference to Tim Tebow. Also, on that last point, thanks for making me feel like shit about myself, assholes. But seriously, the blowjob they gave Tebow on the air should make them liable for obscenity charges. It was absurd.

Season ending thoughts:
-Crying Fat Sooner band girl was hilarious. Her parents are threatening to sue anybody making fun of her. Good luck with that!
-We need a playoff. We don’t have to get rid of bowls. But seriously, who can legitimately say that they don’t want to watch Texas-Utah, or USC-Florida? You know who says that? TERRORISTS. Don’t be a terrorist, at least not until HUSSEIN OSAMA takes office, amirite? (Political moment: if you believe any of that ridiculous shit about Obama, please, remove yourself from the gene pool as fast as you can for the good of us all).
-3 out of 4 members of my family would tear the family apart for Pete Carroll. The other one is my father.
-Joe Paterno is a football coaching machine. Seriously, he is a robot.
-I have NO FUCKING IDEA what to do with my Saturdays…
-Next season, Boise State will lose at home. However, it will be to Oregon, and so they will modify the home winning streak to be “in conference games” thus ensuring my eternal hatred of the Boise media.

Well, that about wraps it up. I do have a couple announcements I would like to make. Firstly, the website. I decided to opt for something done by, as it has the advantages of being free and not knowing how to update an actual website. So, from now on, you can point your browser to for your fix of me ranting. This will, in fact, be the last posting done through Facebook. Also, I am pleased to announce the “hiring” of anybody who would like to put together a coherent article about college football! That’s right! Now is YOUR chance to be the asshole! Just send an e-mail to with something in the title that lets me know it is not pornography, and containing your post you would like made, along with a pseudonym and title.
And here we are football fans. Another glorious season over and done. What does the future hold? Well, let me shake the magic hate ball here.

-Oh Magic Hate Ball, what do we have to look forward to next season?
-Fuck you, magic hate ball. Fuck you.