Thursday, December 10, 2009

BCS- Bull Champion Shit News and Notes

Hello sports fans, and welcome to yet another edition of my news and notes. Let me start with some bad news. The photo journal promised last week will not go up until next week sometime, as real life concerns have taken most of my time this week. But, on to the good news! You still get a healthy dose of the content you have come to know and love from me, the AngryFootballNerd! This edition sees an anti-BCS rant, as well as predictions for the BCS bowls, and a select other bowl game (like it isn't the Humanitarian Bowl...). So, without wasting any more of your valuable time, here we go!

-So, the SEC championship game. How awesome was it when Tim Tebow was in tears at the end of the game? SO AWESOME. Also, kudos to Nick Saban for being a much better person than his counterpart for Florida would have been were he up that much with the ball at the end of the game. Of course Dickweed Meyer would have kept going, because he is a tool. Anyway, thank you, Florida, for showing us that this emperor was, in fact, wholly without clothes. Gee, guess it turns out that the SEC East wasn't all that strong, if Florida's level of play against the only decent opponent all season is any indication...

-So, Texas should have lost to Nebraska. I'm just saying, when you are totally outplayed like that, you deserve to lose. I give credit for their win to the timekeeper, who, if it were literally ANY other game this entire season (except involving a potential Florida loss) would have let that last second expire and let it stand during review. But come one, we can't have even a chance that the BCS could actually pit the two best teams against each other in the Championship! TCU vs. Alabama would be a most exciting game. Alabama vs. Texas... well, just wait until my predictions.

-Regarding the BCS bowl selection: Hey douchebags, way to give undefeated TCU a shot against a team they beat last year when they look like they could beat literally any college team this year (as well as the Raiders and Cheifs). You know an organization is fucked up when all it can do to try to save face is run a twitter (@InsidetheBCS, follow it for a laugh) that updates up to three times every two weeks with pro-BCS articles (ones that usually show absolute worst case scenarios of playoffs, none of which compares to a single season's issues with the BCS).

Here is a list of sports that use a play-off to determine their champion:


Let me cut this short before my blood pressure sets a new world record. The BCS system this year has promised us AT LEAST TWO UNDEFEATED TEAMS AT THE END OF THE SEASON, with the possibility for three if Cincy beats Florida. How is that, in any way, acceptable?

Anyway, here are my predictions for the BCS games in no particular order:

Sugar Bowl: On one hand, a coach headed to Notre Dame. On the other hand, a team that has had its legacy so vastly overinflated you could easily power the entire planet with the air force generated from people talking about Tebow (who, by the way, if he wins the Heisman this weekend has single-handedly made that award pointless). Both teams have alternated between looking really good and looking poor, with the only difference being that the games Cincinnati has looked poor in have been against better competition than the Gators. 31-17 Bearcats, but could easily be Gators

Orange Bowl: First off, raise your hand if you give a shit about this game.

Wait, what are all these crickets doing in here? Shoo, shoo!

Anyway, what was I talking about? Oh yeah

Rose Bowl: Oregon is a damn good team that likes to score early and often. Ohio State was beaten by the sixth place Pac-10 team at home. 70-14 (the two OSU touchdowns in the last five minutes, with TRESSELBALL demanding no attempts at two point conversions or other such flashy nonsense) Oregon.

Fiesta Bowl: Two undefeated mid-majors. One of whom has looked incredibly impressive against everybody, another who has looked incredibly impressive against bottom 10 teams but has the benefit of being the absolute luckiest fucking team in the world. I predict a final score of 34-21, but I refuse to predict a winner. Also, my sympathies to TCU, who in a year when they have a legitimate claim to playing in the title game, are playing a team they beat last year. Smaller sympathies to BSU, who I was really looking forward to seeing poop themselves against a magical Iowa team (come on, anybody who watched Iowa this season will tell you that them being down by 28 points in the first half is absolutely not a problem).

Humanitarian Bowl: This game should be incredibly high scoring. Like, over 100 total points I think. Anyway, much to the sorrow of the chucklefuck on Caves and Prater who said he would "rather the Taliban win in Afghanistan than Idaho win a bowl game*," infinity-infinity plus 2 Idaho

National Championship: Other than the heart attack that Mack Brown has when Alabama literally kills them, this will be a fairly boring game. I also look forward to him stammering something about beating Oklahoma. 41-3 ROLL TIDE

Anyway, the photo-journal of my trip to the USC-Arizona game should be up next week, along with some "classic" reposts, including the much fabled drinking game. Also, the special "Dumbest Moments of the Season" should run sometime during bowl season, depending on when the new AngryFootballHeadquarters gets internet access. Until then, enjoy the cold as balls weather!

*You know, I hate Boise State. But I certainly don't hate it on the level of wishing that thousands of people would fucking die instead of them winning a game.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

The BCS killed my family! NCAA Week Most meaningful games are done Notes

Hello sports fans, and welcome to another edition of my NCAA news and notes. Not a ton to talk about this week, although I do have an inside report from a BSU game! So, without wasting time, let's get this started!

-USC crushed UCLA, 28-7. It could have been 21-7, but when USC knelled with 53 seconds left, Neuheisel decided to call a timeout. You know, because scoring two touchdowns in less than a minute has been UCLA's strong point this season apparently. Well, he learned that if you are going to play like that, USC will play right back, with Matt Barkley throwing a TD on the next play. Way to go Neuheisel!

-Alabama should have lost to Auburn. There, I said it. They played like ass, and needed a lengthy drive (not THE DRIVE as CBS announcers kept calling it) to come from behind to beat an unranked team at home. Seriously, if the NCG is a rematch of Florida-Alabama, I am going to kill someone. And that's without having seen the SECCG, which is this Saturday. Pray for rain people. A rain of meteors, all over that game.

-TCU could beat any team in the nation. They could. Your favorite team, or mine, or anyone's may give them a game. They may even lead for a bit. And then TCU will come back and you will lose. That's just the way it is.

-OK, obviously I'm not saying that it is impossible for them to lose. Any team can lose. However, I think that it is as close to impossible as it could be for TCU to get beaten by more than 3. This team is good, and to deny that is absurd to the point of being comical.

So, I went to the BSU-Nevada game last Friday. Here are some highlights:
-BSU fans booing the handshake between captains, Nevada time outs, false starts, and basically every single thing that wasn't a BSU touchdown.
-A guy putting a padlock on a portapottie after I took a leak in it, telling me to never come back again. Talk about cutting off your nose to spite your face...
-Four BSU students, standing in the Nevada fans section, taunting the Nevada cheerleaders (not the male cheerleaders), fans, and parents, and basically confirming every single stereotype about bad fans that is possible. Honestly, at a football game, I have a pretty high tolerance for bullshit. I get the emotions and all that; it is an important part of the game. But these guys were just morons. I don't mind taunting, but at least taunt the other team (ie: the people that matter). If you're taunting the cheerleaders, stay in your own fucking section. At least there, people might buy into your macho bullshit penis compensation act.

Speaking of BSU, there has been an awesome trend here on the campus. A couple, actually. The first is that the ASBSU representatives only send out e-mails regarding football games, not about things like, say, open meetings to discuss tuition costs. Awesome, awesome trend.

The other trend, one that I find hilarious, is to complain about the BCS as if it is some sort of multinational entity dedicated solely to fucking BSU as hard as possible. The entire student newspaper (except for the article talking about how any democrat is an evil person, which is also pretty standard) is devoted to the BCS.

The Student Council signed an Anti-BCS bill (I'm sure that's effective), saying that they don't like it.

One columnist pretended that Coach Petersen was Mack Brown of Texas, bitching at the BCS not including them this year (when, last I checked, they were almost certain to get a BCS bid).

You know what the best way, BSU, to get rid of the BCS would be? Here, I'm going to write it out for you:

1. Start playing good teams. Don't give me that "nobody will play us" bullshit, as no other team in the nation seems to have that problem. Utah busted the BCS first and better, and they don't seem to have that issue. So stop playing the "poor widdle us" card, be willing to take less then cupcake money (because, if you're as good as you claim, then it shouldn't matter), and travel to some good football schools. And if you manage to beat them, great! Now get out there and play the rest of your schedule instead of talking every week about the one game you did play.
2. Stop playing the media game. For every one person impressed by the WAC hiring media consultants for you, there are two hundred who think that's a lameass move. Let your playing on the field do the talking, even if that means telling Benson to shut the hell up (please do that one anyway, as he is helping exactly one person with his constant campaigning, and that person's name is Karl Benson).
2a. This includes having players and coaches complain in public. Petersen lost what respect I (and many others) had for him, when after beating La Tech by ten said "We'll probably drop 6 or 7 in the rankings for this." A) You were favored by 21, and B) Awfully hard to rise when the teams in front of you play better opposition and win.
3. Ban the local media from commenting on it. When BCS people hear that everyone here hates them, and they are under no obligation to take BSU, no matter how undefeated they are, it doesn't take a genius to figure out that they probably aren't going to take a team from a market that is vehemently opposed to them. This one is a weaksauce decision on the BCS's part, but nobody ever said they make sense.
4. When another team from your conference (or any non-BCS conference) makes it to a big game, cheer for them. Going all anti-Hawaii two years ago and anti-Utah last year didn't help anyone, and just proved to the BCS idiots that there is not enough of a consensus for them to worry about.

There you have it.

Next week's update will be my yearly trip to a USC game, so look forward to it!

Thursday, November 26, 2009

A Thanksgiving Day Update

So, in the vein of this most glorious of holidays, I thought I would make today's update a list of things I am thankful for.

-First off, I am thankful for local Boise band Nude Oil. If you haven't checked these guys out, you need to (they have both Facebook and mySpace pages, so no excuses). They rock, and were awesome enough last night to plug the blog during their setlist at a Battle of the Bands, so I am returning the favor. But yeah, these guys rock.

-I am thankful for the constant hubris of Boise State Athletic Director Gene "Business Sense" Bleymeier, that leads to them wanting to be paid cupcake school money to play a big boy school, and then bitching when schools turn them down. What a marvelous way to get out of playing games against good opponents, while still getting to play the "poor widdle us" card. Not to mention depriving the nation of what would more than likely be a great game of football. Is there anybody out there who wouldn't love to see, say... BSU vs. Oklahoma rematch? I'm salivating at the mere thought of it. Side note: after the 2006 season, the Oklahoma AD went on a local radio show saying that a mid-major school, ONE THAT OU HAD REASON TO WANT TO PLAY, turned down a home and home with them. Bravo, Bleymeier, for valuing your whiny beyotch attitude more than a great fucking game of football.

-I am equally thankful for the outside of Bronco Stadium, featuring a picture of Chris Petersen holding up the Fiesta Bowl trophy underneath the word "Tradition." 1-5 in bowl does not a tradition make.

-I am thankful that Idaho, a team that was supposed to go 1-11 (sorry San Diego State, you are apparently the worst team in the nation!), is 7-4 right now with one game left (plus a bowl game). I'll take 8-4, 8-5, 7-5, or 7-6 right now. Any finish above .500 is amazing, considering what Robb Akey has had to work with.

-I am thankful that nobody likes Florida. Seriously, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that outside of CBS announce teams, everybody in the nation is cheering for the Gators to lose.

-Related, I am NOT thankful that Urban Meyer cried when talking about Tebow being gone after this season. At this point, would anybody be surprised in the least if it came out that the two of them had a sexual relationship? I mean it not as an insult, just as a statement of how blindingly obvious it is that these two are dating.

-I am thankful that Jimmy Clausen got punched in the face. Also, sources at ND (several students) have come out saying that the official story (Clausen went back into a restaurant to get his girlfriend's purse, got sucker-punched) is, oddly enough, bullshit. According to several eyewitnesses, Clausen was drunk and mouthy, and took exception to a sarcastic "Nice game" from someone leaving the bar that they were at. When he went up to the guy and started getting in his face, he got deservedly decked. Thereby making that man my 2009 College Football Season Hero.

-Finally, I am thankful that even in a down year, USC is still a better team than the Big Ten champion. And again, people think the PAC-10 is weak why exactly?

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Ohio State Loses Rose Bowl, Winner To Be Decided Later

Hello football fans, and welcome to another exciting edition of AngryFootballNerd. Somewhat of a brief update this week, as I'm busy working on something to run before bowl season. A little project I'm calling "The Dumbest Moments This Season." Before you groan, let me tell you that in my humble but accurate opinion, this shit is funny. Anyway, here's this weeks round-up of games.

-So, Stanford devastated USC. This was a surprise to the people who made the 34.5 point spread in USC's favor, and almost nobody else. A surging Stanford team against a USC team that could only win the Big 10 this year (ZING!)? Not exactly the hardest game to call.

-Of course, don't tell that to SEC fans. See, USC losing isn't because Stanford is a good team. No, it is actually a function of USC being "terrible" and all the rest of the PAC-10 being a "pathetic conference that couldn't hold a candle to any team in the SEC." This is why the South is an intellectual wasteland, people.

-So, here comes some brief coverage of the U of I-BSU game, which I am mostly using a segue into my next segment. BSU won, again, to the surprise of nobody. Just a couple of things on that: 1) If you are giving up 578 yards to Idaho, you could be royally... what is the word I'm looking for..... oh yes, royally fucked when playing Nevada; 2) That was totally a block in the back on the kick-off return TD, but it's not like getting that call right would have changed the outcome; 3) Again, while the final outcome probably wouldn't have been any different, if Enderle had been at QB, chances are the turnover count would not have been at 7 for Idaho.

-Alright, on to the fun! So, the reason that I talked about that game was to talk about Tim Woodward's "article" about tailgating and who has "better" fans (better in this case meaning not giving shit to the other team). This was spurred after the basketball game between the two up in Moscow last year, where U of I students *GASP* yelled mean things to BSU players and flipped the Bird, which is by far the most offensive thing that you can possibly do to an opponent (not saying it was right, just that things don't need to be blown out of proportion). So, his brilliant solution was to go to a U of I tailgate, wearing U of I things, and see how he would be treated. Ignoring the fact that if you are in a tailgate, you are fairly safe (strength in numbers, that whole thing), let me just boil the article down for you: "So, when it comes down to it, both teams have drunk, obnoxious fans. But I'm going to ignore the Boise State ones, because that would make my article pointless (AFN Note: As if it wasn't already?). U of I fans are doo-doo heads, and my wife saw one of them wear an insulting shirt. All the BSU fans I saw were exemplars of class. Why, I even saw one heal the broken leg of a poor Vandal, only to be rewarded with bile spit from the heathens stomach at him." Ok, I may have taken a few creative liberties with that, as everyone knows it is impossible to heal a broken leg. But the gist of the article is there.

I'm going to share a little story here. While I've never been a BSU fan, it has only been recently that I have become so vehemently against them. Here, I am going to tell you why.

During the 2006 season, BSU came up to Moscow to play. This was a good game (26-28 with 5 minutes left, so anytime after the game my BSU friends would tell me that they never doubted the outcome, I was able to accurately point out they were full of shit), that has the distinction of being marred by one horrid incident.

You see, before the game, I was chatting with a friend of mine that had recently graduated. She was in town for the game, and we were having a wonderful conversation about our lives in the time that we hadn't seen each other.

And then, a BSU fan approached us. And let loose with this little gem:

"Hey bitch, after the game, I'm going to rape you, just like the Broncos will rape your shitty team!"

So, any time a BSU fan tries to talk to me about class, you'll forgive me if it falls on deaf ears.

-Since I can't end on a downer like that... This week's title was inspired by Ohio State beating Iowa to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl. Their competitor has yet to be decided, as the PAthetiC-10 champion is not yet decided.

Anyway, tune in next week, as I will have a report on a weekend of games of very little importance, save for a few PAC-10 conference games.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

An Emergency Blog Update!


According to some dumbass Boise State blogger, Boise State (along with Nevada and Fresno State, but they don't count) has been invited to join the Mountain West!

His evidence for stating this?

Because BSU has calmed down about trying to join it, that must mean that the conference has secretly invited them to join!

But it goes deeper than that!

You see, the United States Congress has secretly forced the BCS to accept the new MWC.

And all of this happened without us knowing. Just think of how amazing this is.

1. BSU, UNR, and FS have joined the MWC.
2. The MWC has joined the BCS.
3. The United States Congress forced this to happen.
4. This all happened without a single person in America knowing about it!

Sometime soon, I hope you will sit down and realize that, even if you disagree with me, I am at least a sane person.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009

NCAA News and Notes Update: The Notre Dame lost to Navy edition


Here is another awesome update from me, the one and only AngryFootballNerd! Have some fun stuff this week, and even a visit from a “celebrity” (boy am I stretching the definition of the word, as you will see when I reveal who it is). Also, a bit of talk about BSU’s scheduling woes, and of course, some of the usual hatred that you have come to expect. So, without wasting time, let’s get this started.

(PS: While reading, why not grab a delicious Natural Light beer, the official beverage of the AngryFootballNerd, ever since I realized that I hate PBR)

Oregon v. Stanford

Oh come on, who didn’t see this coming? I mean really, of course Oregon was going to drop this game. They just had the biggest win in recent history, anybody with half a brain will tell you that that is a recipe for dropping your next game. Anyway, the Ducks are still in position to win the PAC-10, provided they get past Arizona and Oregon State, which is definitely not a sure bet.

Iowa isn’t Legit

Not even a little bit, as it turns out. Let’s all give a big hand to Northwestern for sparing us the horrors of a Big-10 team in the BCSNC getting devastated.

Notre Dame is terrible

Ok, after the second loss in 3 years to Navy (both of them at home, in sight of Touchdown Jesus), why in the hell is Big Fat Charlie still a head coach? Seriously, Ty Willingham had better records than BFC has had, and they tossed his ass out for unacceptable levels of losing.

Oh, right. Willingham was black. Welp, mystery solved!

Seriously, at this point, looking at their records, and the chain of events surrounding the two coaches…. I don’t like to cry racism every time a minority loses their job, but in this case, I can’t help but wonder.

BSU Can’t Schedule a Game

Alright, I discussed this last week, but I think that some recent things coming to light necessitate me talking about it some more. No, not the fact that the school is selling stock in the Athletic department programs (code for “Give us money for the football team”, seriously, read the article about it).

So, BSU is looking for a game in 2011 to fill in the 13th game given by playing at Hawaii (a stupid rule in general, but that’s an argument for a different day). SO far, they have contacted several major universities, including ones apparently looking for a game. They will play at the other school, and won’t request a home-and-home. Pretty sweet deal, right? So, you have to wonder what all this will cost the other school.

Well, sources on are currently reporting that the asking price for BSU is around the one million dollar mark. I’m going to pause and let that sink in for a second.

Shitty schools don’t get paid that much to come get trounced (usually, about 500k-800k is the norm). Why in the hell would a program like Florida, or Texas, or Alabama, or USC pay that much money to BSU for a situation that is of almost zero benefit to them?

Let’s break down why, exactly, a major team will more than likely NOT take BSU on their 2011 schedule. Also, this is a good place to stop a differentiate from a major team, and a team that is in a major conference. List of Major Teams: USC, Texas, Oklahoma (yes, I know), Florida, Alabama, LSU, Ohio State, Penn State. These are the teams that everyone is assuming that BSU is talking to. This is different from teams in major conferences, such as Tennessee (whose head coach Lane Kiffin was the inspiration for this segment). Anyway, keep that in mind as you read this next part, explaining why it is a lose/lose situation for a team to schedule them for 2011.

-Beat them? “Great, you beat a team from the WAC.” Now, before you rub together those two brain cells and start writing me an incoherent hate mail, let me truthify you. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERCEPTION OF ALMOST 95% OF THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL, NO MATTER HOW HIGHLY RANKED BSU IS. Fair or not (I think it is somewhat fair, but that’s because I think the entire ranking system is a crock of shit), that will be the perception.

-Get beat by them? “You just lost to a mid-major from the WAC.” See above for why this sucks for them.

-Then, there is this issue that Lane Kiffin brought up when he was discussing this (meaning yes, it is almost certain that BSU contacted the Vols for a game). Idaho (the state) is not a hotbed of recruitable football players. Yes, BSU has a few local boys, but the vast majority of talent at both FBS schools in the state comes from out of state. So playing a game against BSU doesn’t really help their recruiting all that much, especially when compared to say, the UCLA-Tenn. series of the past two seasons.

-One big point that I have been a proponent of people knowing but seems to get glossed over: Schedules are usually decided years in advance, ESPECIALLY marquee OOC games. BSU would have much better luck trying for the 2013 extra game than the 2011 one.

Anyway, it’s a mostly boring issue that people here seem to be flipping out about, with full on rhetoric about “they’re afraid of us” and my personal favorite “they don’t want to play on the BLUE” (think about it for a second).

Oh, and the best thing BSU could do to help make this game happen? Ask for less money.

Special Visitor!

Well ladies and gentlemen, last week I was asleep in bed, when I had a visitor in my dreams. I’ll let you read this 100% accurate transcript of what happened.

AFN: Wha? Where did the girls from House go?

??: AFN, this is your Lord and Master.

AFN: John Elway? You usually don’t appear in my dreams until after the sexy girls. Then we win the Super Bowl and World Series together in the same year.

??: No, it is me. Jesus Christ.

AFN: Oh. Hey, ‘sup?

JC: Nothing much, my son. I wished to discuss your blog with you.

AFN: This… doesn’t end well for me, does it?

JC: Actually, we find it quite humorous. St. Peter loves a good fart joke.

AFN: Oh, sweet.

JC: However, I would like to talk to you about how hard you are on Boise State. Don’t you think that, maybe, they have earned a break from your razor-sharp wit?

AFN: Well, maybe…

JC: I mean, they did win the Fiesta Bowl three seasons ago.

AFN: Yeah, but it’s a “What have you done for me lately” league, and a 1-5 record in bowl games isn’t the most impressive, even if the win was a BCS bowl.

JC: But they were the only undefeated team at the end of that season!

AFN: But at what point does going undefeated through a bad conference become so impressive? If USC, or Texas, or any number of current BCS schools plays that schedule, they go undefeated year in year out.

JC: Be that as it may, in my mind they were the national champs that year.

(Note: At this point, I awoke)

AFN:……. Wait a second…. National championship for BSU…… Talk about undefeated in the WAC being somehow impressive…. YOU AREN’T JESUS CHRIST AT ALL! You’re former Boise State quarterback Jared Zabransky, aren’t you?!

(Imagine my surprise to see him standing beside my bed)

FBSUQBJZ:…. Yeah, it’s me.

AFN: Hey, how’s that top five quarterback draft pick treating you?

FBSUQBJZ: Fuck you…. You have twenty bucks I can borrow?

AFN:…. Get out of my house.

And there you have our special “celebrity” “guest.” But don’t worry AngryFootballFollowers, I’ve since changed the locks on the doors to make sure that this never happens again.

(Please note: If the bit previous to this disclaimer offended you, I’m sorry. SORRY YOU’RE SUCH A WEENIE!)

Angry’s Heisman Ballot, this week

1. Case Keenum, Houston QB

2. A Boy named Suh, Nebraska


Welp, that’s all for this week. Be back next week, when I talk about the BSU-Idaho game, and no matter what happens, turn it into something that will make some of you happy, and others of you merely smugly condescending (until you realize the joke is on you).

Wednesday, November 4, 2009


Welcome to another edition of the week in football. I’m veering away from talking about each individual game at this point. Mostly because it’s getting difficult to be funny about things like Minnesota beating Michigan State. Also because I a have a lot I want to talk about this week. Let’s get it started. Oh, and to keep you enticed and reading, I have a HUGE announcement at the end.

On USC’s loss to Oregon

I’m sure many of you are expecting me to flip out in anger over the shellacking that the Ducks gave the Trojans. Well, prepare for disappointment! As frequently happens in football, the better team won. The Ducks, if it wasn’t for their first three games and how they played in them, would be sitting comfortably at number 2 or 3 (since #1 is reserved for an SEC team). USC lost a hell of a lot of talent to the draft last year, and is currently starting a true freshman quarterback. So yeah, they have to rebuild just like everybody else does. Anyway, look for Oregon to dominate the Big 10 champ in the Rose Bowl this year, and a much better game with a less predictable ending from USC in whatever BCS bowl takes them at-large (assuming they don’t get popped by Arizona, which they had better not as I will be there in person).

On Iowa’s Inexplicable Ability to Win Games

See, this is why even if they win out (no promise there), they won’t be in the Championship. Playing exceptionally well for one quarter does not make up for playing one of the most pathetic games of football ever seen for three quarters. Plus, needing the refs to take away a legit touchdown by the other team to sap their momentum? Yeah, the Hawkeyes deserved to lose that game, and it is only by virtue of the terrible reffing this year and some flat out LUCK that they are undefeated.

Let’s Talk Boise State, local media!

Ahhhhh, here’s where it gets fun. First off, let me start by saying that crushing two Bottom 10 teams (Hawaii and SJSU) does not suddenly mean that you are an incredibly impressive team and everyone should forget about the struggles with Tulsa (who has since gone on to prove that they are also remarkably poor) and UC Davis.

Secondly, please stop pretending that the Oregon game was the most impressive game of the season (nationally). I mean, for one thing, the team that was both higher ranked and favored won, sapping it of all drama (save the Blount Force Trauma at the end). Also, I don’t know if I am the only one who remembers it, but BOTH teams looked like dogshit for large parts of that game; BSU just looked less like dogshit.

Related to that point is the following: Oregon is going to pass you in the rankings. Face it. That is part of having a weak conference (pause here for insults to U of I, who at 7-2 have done their part to improve the WAC), and outside of Oregon, a downright pathetic Out of Conference (Pause here for “Idaho couldn’t beat X team!”). Because like it or not, the polls are a “What have you done for me lately?” situation. And a win by 11 points in week 1 looks pretty weak next to beating multiple top 25 teams, including handing the 5th ranked team in the nation (and, let’s be honest, probably 5th ranked team of this decade) their worst loss since 2001.

And in regards to bitching about the rankings: All credit to Coach Pete and the players in this matter, because they are doing the sensible thing. But quit saying “All BSU needs is for TCU to lose!” That leaves out one important fact: THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FOOTBALL SEASON! Ask USC what happens when you look past a team. Ask Oklahoma. Ask Michigan. Ask Florida. But just in case their lines are busy, I’ll give you the answer. When you look past games, and act as if they are already over two weeks before they are played, you lose games.

Finally, and this one goes almost entirely to local commercials and Channel 7, but at this point, it is officially PATHETIC to be showing highlights from the Fiesta Bowl. Run the damn two-point conversion in the season opening montage. That’s great, an awesome way to get people fired up. Run it again at any point in the season, or talk about it as if it still has any relevance in the slightest, and you are going to start reminding people that the Fiesta Bowl was 3 seasons ago, and BSU hasn’t seen any bowl success since then.

NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND! This is why I’ve been updating the blog later in the week this season; it allows for more delightful news to come out. The Idaho Statesman is running a story in which Karl Benson is claiming that no team will fill a hole in BSU’s 2011 schedule for an away game. Now, this has no impact at all on anything at this point. I mostly wanted to use this as an opportunity to rag on Karl “I wear short sleeve t-shirts in commercials” Benson*. But until you release the names of the schools that have been contacted and refused (which, at this time, all that has been mentioned is several teams have refused, which in the mind of everyone who posts at the Statesmans website means Florida, USC, Texas, and other perennial top ten teams), this is nothing more than a sadly probably successful attempt to rile up a fanbase that is already pissed about everything.

Coach Robb Akey, Coach of the Year

Obviously, I don’t expect all of you to agree with me on this. Of course everyone is going to vote for his or her teams coach. But I am here to tell you why you should, if you actually grasp the concept of the award, vote for Robb Akey over Meyer/Richt/Paterno/Tressell/Carroll.

Look at Idaho last year. 2-10 with wins over Idaho State and New Mexico State. Terrible by any standard except “Who beat a bad FCS school and a bad FBS school” which I just made up and I doubt is a standard at all.

Now, look at Idaho this year. 7-2 so far, undefeated at home, 3-1 in non-conference play (which by the stupid as hell “chain of defeats” standard means that they beat Ohio State). Losses are to Washington (a game in which they looked much better than USC, who also lost to Washington) and Nevada (in a game that can only be described as a total lack of defense from either team).

The two teams consist of many of the same players from year bad to year good. The difference here is that they finally have a coach that has both stuck around longer than two years (Piss off Holt and Erickson), not recruited thugs (FUCK OFF ERICKSON), and has yet to be accused of breaking any jaws or beating any ex-wives/girlfriends (Side note: does anybody actually believe that Tom Cable didn’t commit these crimes? Because if so, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you). Akey has convinced a team that everyone had given up on (including themselves) that they can win games. And they are doing it.

Sure, it’s easy to be successful when you have a quarterback who has been literally compared to Jesus Christ, or can recruit from any state in the country, or play a schedule consisting of one game and 11 scrimmages (in which you still manage to lose at least 2 of those games per year). To be successful with what you have, when you have it? To turn a team around from one that is a mainstay on espn’s Bottom 10 into a team receiving votes in the major polls? To take a team ranked 119 out of 120 into a team currently ranked 34 in the BCS?

That takes Coach of the Year.

A brief Interlude:

Go ahead and read this link while you recover from my truth bombs, because more are on the way.

Click me for comedy!

Wasn’t that great? My favorite was the one at the end. Anyway, on to the vitriolic hatred that keeps you coming back here, week in week out!


Before I start, you have to watch this video. I’m sure many of you have already seen it, but still, you need to know the context in which I am ranting.

Click this to get pissed!

Now that you have watched that video, let me explain the aftermath.

Urban Meyer, Flordia’s Tebow ballwiper and resident King of the Douches, has suspended Brandon Spikes for this attempt at CRIPPLING A PERSON FOR LIFE.

For the first half of Florida’s game against Vanderbilt.

Please note: Spikes has since suspended himself for the entire game, showing that at least he gets it. Also, the Georgia player who was nearly blind in one eye after Spikes was through with him has since said that he shouldn’t be punished. Which of course a player is going to say. He’s not going to come out bitching “They should suspend him for what he did to me!” Anyway, since Spikes is apparently the only person involved with Florida to have a god damned ounce of dignity, he will be spared my wrath this article.

With his attempted punishment, Urban Meyer just took a big fat dump on you. He pulled his pants down and dropped the kids off at the pool of the collective college football fans of America. He pinched a loaf off in the face of the SEC and the NCAA. And when he was done, he wiped his ass with your tie/skirt, and you smiled and took it.

WHERE IS THE FUCKING OUTRAGE ABOUT THIS? Urban Meyer said, essentially, “I don’t give a flying fuck if one of my (not right now) players LITERALLY ATTEMPTS TO RUIN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE ELSE. I will not hurt our chances of another national championship (Stop that!) for anything. We are above (I told you no!) the SEC, as we have proven in the past (get your hands off of that!). None of you puny (Timmy, at least wait until the conference is done before you take my pants off!) asswipes can stop us!”

And the SEC? “We accept Coach Meyer’s punishment, as we “did not notice” the blatantly obvious personal foul that would be an automatic ejection and suspension if it were committed by, say, any other team in the nation. Seriously, we want Florida to win out. And if we have any say in it, they will! GO GATORS!”

“But Angry! Shit like that happens in piles all the time! You can’t punish someone when they get caught! What about all the times he didn’t do that, and all the people who got away with it?” Ok, here is my response to that: Theft happens all the time. You can’t punish someone when they get caught. What about all the days they didn’t steal from someone? And what about the people who get away with it?

Again, let me give a (very small) amount of credit to Brandon Spikes for taking himself out of the game this weekend. That credit is rescinded, by the way, should he suit up for any reason. Which, given Coach Shitheel’s current thought processes, will happen if Florida should somehow find themselves struggling against the Commodores.


Well, this is something that has been stirring for me all season. I was going to wait until the BCS games were announced, but I can’t wait any longer.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Florida has officially pushed BSU out of my number one most hated team spot.

I know some of you are curious, but let me assure you, BSU is still 120/121 (the extra team is some hypothetical team consisting of Jimmy Clausen, Tim Tebow, Golden Tate and Satan, sitting at 119) on the list of teams that I would cheer for. But I have grown accustomed to them.

What I cannot stand for one minute more is the media fawning over the Gators. Talking about Tebow for Heisman. Outright saying that they will be in the BCS National Championship game (who can remember what I said about looking past teams; also Florida doesn’t have a coach like Chris Peterson who can tell them to shut the fuck up). During games, not even mentioning anything the other team does unless it allows an opportunity to talk about Florida (See you in hell Verne Lundquist!).

Yes, it’s true. I hate them worse than the most hated team of my first 23 years on this planet.

I’m sorry to the many of you who are disappointed in this news.

Angry’s Heisman Ballot, were he lucky enough to actually vote






(See, the joke is that nobody in college football deserves it this year)

Anyway, that wraps it up for this week. Next week, barring some huge news, the funny should come back in massive? quantities.

*Seriously Karl, you wore a red t-shirt in the WACs commercial. This is how you present the Western Athletic conference, from BSU to NMSU, to the nation. In the much-maligned Big 10 conference, their commercial features all of the coaches in suits. You couldn't even put a decent collared shirt on, and you wonder why nobody respects the WAC?

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Live Blogging the day away!

Alright sports fans, here it is. The fabled LiveBlog! I'll update this specific post any time I feel like updating. So, without wasting your time, here we go! (Also, a warning upon a reading through what I've already said today: This is definitely a rated R blog update)

8:30 AM: I am woken up by the doorbell at my parents house (I stayed here because they have a nicer TV and access to most games. Don't say I never did anything for you fans). I ignore this, because anyone who would need to get ahold of me would know to call me.

9:30 AM: A quick shower, and I prepare my breakfast. What am I having, you ask? A Guinness. This day could be something wonderful.

9:59 AM: And Corso picks Texas to the surprise of nobody. You know, say what you want about Gameday, the guys have great chemistry together and manage to put together a genuinely entertaining show. Also, my pick? Hook 'em Horns!

10:01 AM: Regarding last year's Big-12 Debacle- Texas would have lost to Florida as well. Really, they should be thrilled that they got Ohio State in a BCS game, since the only team more likely than Oklahoma to lose a big game is Ohio State.

10:11 AM: And we are underway. Good play Oklahoma to start it off (Note: I am not going to update every single play).

10:13 AM: Holy shit, that was a stunning play. DeMarco Murray is a phenomenal player. Now, if he could be on a team with a coach that isn't known for choking...

10:15 AM: And the Red River Shootout sees its first points in an OU field goal. Oh, by the way, if you refer to it as the Red River Rivalry, you have no soul.

10:18 AM: I'm not sure if that kickoff wasn't actually a shitty kick, instead of trying to keep it away from Shipley. Anyway, let's see what McCoy can do here.

10:21 AM: Welp, he can fumble, that's for sure.

10:22 AM: Oh shit Bradford is down. No matter who you cheer for in a game, you hate to see an injury. Unless you're an asshole.

10:25 AM: Yeah, Landry "I look like I hide in Bushes and Follow Teenage Girls Around" Jones isn't going to cut it in this game for the Sooners. Also, I was relieved to see that they didn't call OU for getting next to Shipley on the punt. Last year, this game was marred by a horrid 'Roughing the Kicker" call. I'm hopeful that this year we won't see anything too bad this year. I am sure, however, that we will have at least one stupid review that either overturns a huge play (incorrectly), or spends a good 5-10 minutes only to confirm an obvious play. In other news, the instant replay in college has officially jumped the shark.

10:29 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 1 And it's time for another beer.

10:31 AM: Does anybody else remember last season when Texas lost their back-up center because ten minutes after Obama was elected, he posted "Can't believe that fucking (n-word) got into the White House." Yeah, his profile picture was him snapping to a black QB. Whoops. Huge PI call on UT.

10:35 AM: And another field goal makes it 6-0 OU. Also, I liked the first Jimmy Football Bud Light commercial (the Grooler) was good, and I would actually buy a grooler. The other ones have just been awful.

10:39 AM: Dear Colt McCoy, There are other receivers on the team besides Shipley. You should try to throw it to them.

10:43 AM: First off, overturning that completion was absolutely the right call. Secondly, I love neutral site games. Every team should have one per year.

10:48 AM: Dear Texas, please learn to Tackle thanks in advance.

10:49 AM: Landry Jones is trying so hard to throw a pick. Keep reaching for that rainbow, you creepy looking backup QB.

10:53 AM: Missed field goal by OU. Let's see some actual offense from either team now.

10:58 AM: If Wisconsin beat Iowa, I will be incredibly happy today. 10-0 Badgers.

11:02 AM: Will that fumble scratch Landry's itch to throw a pick? I doubt it, but only time will tell!

11:06 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 2 and yeah, that was a good call refs.

11:29 AM: Huh, a facemask. That's a good way to fuck up a sweet punt.

11:35 AM: First, that was a terribly stupid penalty for that Texas player. That could very well cost him playing time next week. Second, I am very curious to see where this play ends up. I can't tell who gets possession, much less where.

11:38 AM: Ok, so you can't advance the muffed kick. Texas ball on the OU 18. Maybe some offense will happen?

11:44 AM: Nope, offense will not happen. 6-3 is not a score that anybody likes to see in the RRS.

11:46 AM: Even though they (Texas) did recover the fumble, can we, as a nation, move past saying " Team X is saying they recovered." EVERY FUCKING PLAYER for each team thinks that they got it on a any fumble that is even remotely contested. It does not deserve to be said.

11:51 AM: That was an amazing read-option by Colt, and I hope that the call on the field is reversed. But looking at the replay, I doubt it...

11:55 AM: Did anybody else hear a spring sound effect when that ball was fumbled by OU? Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!

11:56 AM: Please let there be a safety here. I want to go into the halftime with a score of 6-5.

12:00 PM: I don't know if I'm watching the best game of all time or the worst. And I can't believe that I'm excited for halftime so I can watch Big-10 football. That should never be the superior choice to Big-12 games, especially THE Big-12 game.

12:10 PM: And the first play I see in the Wisconsin-Iowa game is a wonderful fingertip catch on Iowa's part. Already, this game is better than OU-UT.

12:12 PM: And a couple plays later leads to the first TD I've seen all day.

12:25 PM: And we're back to the Red River Slapfight. Will either team show up, or am I doomed to watch the worst/best/worst game ever?

12:28 PM: Why is it only now I discover that Purdue is leading Ohio State 23-7 in the 3rd? Holy shit, if they lose, that would be wonderful.

12:48 PM: And the Red River Shitout sees the first touchdown with half the 3rd quarter gone. Texas is showing signs of life, but how will OU respond?

12:50 PM: In honor of the first touchdown, I am having a 16 ounce Bud Light.

12:53 PM: You know, I want to say that, with the massive amount of flags being thrown, that this game has had a ton of shitty calls, but they've been pretty accurate. That said, occasionally letting them play wouldn't go amiss. Also, 40ish minutes until USC-Notre Dame.

12:56 PM: Nice hands no hands.

12:57 PM: Hey, another touchdown! This one by OU. Assuming the point after is good, we are tied at 13s. Yup, it's good.

1:05 PM: Bud Light really does have superior drinkability.

1:06 PM: I haven't watched it, but I wish that ABC would stop making announcers plug FlashForward, since I am positive that it is a terrible show. SPOILER ALERT: They aren't going to change anything, and exactly what they saw would happen is going to happen.

1:09 PM: 2:37 left in Ohio State-Purdue, 18-26 Purdue. Hold fast Boilermakers. I want to be able to HOLY SHIT YES HUGE SACK ON TERELLE "I AM A BAD QUARTERMANN" PRYOR say that Idaho could beat tOSU. See, because they couldn't beat Purdue, who got beat by Northern Illinois, who got beaten by the Vandals.

1:13 PM: 2 minutes left, Purdue ball after tOSU 4-and-out. Do this Boilermakers. DO IT.

1:16 PM: And Ohio State just lost the game on a Facemask. TRESSELBALL.

1:18 PM: Texas FG.

1:23 PM: I'm just going to post this again. Ohio State lost to one of the bottom 3 Big Ten teams on a Facemask penalty. TRESSELBALL. Or, from what I've seen of it, a better way to describe it might be PRYORBALL.

1:32 PM: Alright, with the exception of the OU-UT clusterfuck, the new batch of games is starting. Nebraska plays host to Texas Tech, in a game featuring the only player fit to win the heisman this year, Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska's beastly Dlineman. Seriously, he is the only player in the NCAA right now who is even close to deserving it. (PS, Big UT int just now). Seriously, it's about damn time that the Heisman stop being a QB/RB award. This year, barring an epic explosion of suck on the Man Named Suh's part, it is a god damned insult if the award goes to anyone else.

1:36 PM: I am slightly nervous for the ND-USC game. First off, I am going to go hoarse yelling at the shitty NBC announcers, who are the biggest ND homers in the world. Example: They just called ND's offense High Powered. Yup, high powered is the term I would use to describe a team that needs last second heroics from a decent quarterback to beat incredibly shitty teams. Yes, I know UW beat USC, please don't bother mentioning it.

1:40 PM: In the interests of full disclosure, I've stopped caring about the Red River Horridgame.

1:42 PM: I retract that previous statement. Apparently, OU picked off McCoy. A few plays later, UT picked off Landry. The only thing that sums up this game?

1:44 PM: Yeah, that was blatant PI on ND. You can't tackle the receiver like that, and especially not when you are trying to get him in a chokehold.

1:47 PM: In another full disclosure moment (and one that will never be redacted), what I said about only assholes wanting injuries? I actually want Jimmy Clausen to get some horrible, quality of life to 0 injury in this game, as he is by far the biggest douche in college football. And it burns me up that if they win today (which again, they very well could), not only will they almost certainly go to a BCS bowl (calling it: they go from 25 into the top 12 with a win, no matter how ugly), but Clausen will get the Heisman.

1:49 PM: Texas is going to win by 3. Have the ball, OU has no timeouts, and there is less than 2 minutes.

1:51 PM: Love the NBC announcers no mention of the ND fumble out of bounds at the end of their first offensive play. It makes no difference, but expect to see them gloss over any negatives about the Irish they possibly can.

1:54 PM: Thank Thor that one is over. If OU even flirts with being ranked again this year, then I will lose whatever tiny amount of faith I still have in pollsters.

2:00 PM: Ok, all critics to Matt Barkley: Kindly shut it. That was a hell of a drive, 7-0 SC.

2:04 PM: Weis thinks running the ball is the key to them winning. That might be tough, with an amazing D-Line against a mediocre at best O-Line.

2:05 PM: From another football forum: "Seriously, a QB named Colt McCoy at Texas is the best argument for intelligent design I've ever seen."

2:16 PM: And the refs seem to fucking LOVE giving Notre Dame an extra yard on the spots. Seriously, he wasn't even close on that 3rd and 1.

2:20 PM: That was a pretty sweet fake FG on ND's part. But against a worse defense, that's a touchdown. Of course, the TD on the next play makes it suck just as bad.

2:21 PM: Keep looking smug, Clausen you fucker. Notice how when it came time for a big play, your team relied on the FG holder to make the big pass. Also, that shouldn't be a touchdown, he was about a foot short when his knee hit. Of course they don't overturn it, but it was pretty obvious.

2:25 PM: "Did you see how many blue jerseys were around the line of scrimmage there? At least 8." I counted. There were five. Not that that makes the tackle any less painful, but this announcing is wretched.

2:38 PM: Of course when Florida is down to Arkansas halfway through the second my CBS channel goes out. I'm guessing that the announcers called every affiliate possible and told them to stop broadcasting, because the amount of fellatio they are giving Tebow will actually get them brought up on obscenity charges.

2:41 PM: "It's been the Irish trickery that's kept them in the game so far. But with very few gimmicks." Seriously, junior high kids could do a better job of announcing. They could at least try not to contradict themselves the very next sentence.

2:43 PM: That could have been PI, but from the angle that the announcers were bitching about the lack of a call, you could see the defender kind of making a play for the ball. That means it wasn't as bad of a no-call as the NBC chucklefucks thought it was.

2:47 PM: Yeah, that pretty clearly didn't touch anybody from USC. If it did, it managed to touch him and then continue with absolutely no change in trajectory.

2:48 PM: The best way to sum up the OU-UT game is this image right here (go go nerds!)

2:51 PM: Uh-oh, incoming Barkley as Tebow reference coming... Wait, this is NBC... The SEC doesn't exist in their minds. Which is probably for the best, as can you imagine how bad these idiots would be with a good quarterback and team to cheer for? Also, that was a sweet catch on that PI play.

2:57 PM: That better be overturned, what with him clearly down before the ball came out. Edit: Yup, they got that one right.

3:01 PM: And USC with the FG!

3:19 PM: Alright, so after the half is when one of the teams is going to run away with it I think. On to the Idaho-Hawaii game, tied at 7s.

3:23 PM: the ESPN plus announcers just referred to Hawaii coach Greg McMackin as a "nice guy." This is the same coach that got in deep shit for his homophobic comments in the preseason. Yeah, sure sounds like a nice guy to me.

3:25 PM: 14-7 Idaho on an absolutely gorgeous touchdown pass!

3:40 PM: And we're back with the Fight for the Jeweled Shillelagh. Let's see which team comes out after the half.

3:45 PM: *Calls Matt Barkley bad for underthrowing a pass that the receiver has to come back for*

*Gives credit to Jimmy Clausen for trusting his receiver to come back to the pass he underthrew*

*Is an announcer for NBC college football*

3:49 PM: HUGE STOP for USC on 4th and 1. Which is now getting measured, because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS SPOT..... Which still comes up short. In your face ND/NBC!

3:51 PM: Two realizations hit me. First, to play QB at Hawaii you must be ugly (seriously, they have some of the ugliest QB's ever). Second, I am actually cheering against NBC in the USC/ND game.

3:56 PM: Tebow sacks are like sex, except he's having them.

4:00 PM: After getting sacked (with what looked like a little extra curricular hit on him) Matt Barkley retaliates by throwing a touchdown pass.

4:09 PM: Touchdown Notre Dame, but ya gotta love the NBC announcers getting pissy that they review the play.

4:13 PM: I've touched on this before, but it is absurd when a defensive player celebrates a tackle that wasn't for loss. Unless it literally won the game for you, then all you did was let the offense gain yards. Case in point, Te'o for ND celebrating a tackle that was on an eight yard gain.

4:16 PM: Touchdown Trojans!

4:21 PM: Absurd PI on USC.

4:25 PM: Yeah guy for ND, turns out you can't run into the punt returner when he signals fair catch. Even these homer announcers know that.

4:30 PM: So, I finally found a channel broadcasting the Arkansas Florida game. All the bad thigns I've said about the USC-ND announcers? yeah, multiply that by 100 for the announcers on this game. They are incapable of saying ANYTHING positive about Arkansas. Shit, they just scored the go-ahead touchdown, and these bags of shit are acting like Florida has already won.

4:41 PM: So, I got distracted by roommate showing up and had to recount how bad some of the calls today have been. Anyway, ND-USC is now 20-34. Florida-Arkansas is 20-20

4:52 PM: A Florida fan on said that after they come back and win this, everyone will hate them again. I was kind enough to assure him that everybody hated them anyway.

4:53 PM: Florida's kicker's last name is Sturgis. Only a few readers will understand this, but that makes me hate them even more.

4:55 PM: 27-34 in the USC Notre Dame game, 20-20 still in Florida Arkansas. My heart, she is exploding.

5:00 PM: (probable) Final score in the UF-Ark game: Arkansas 20, Refs 23

5:03 PM: Seriously, those refs in the Florida game should be fired, and their relatives should be fired from their jobs for that God damn absurd display of homerism. "Obvious False Start? Nah, we aren't going to call that, that could hurt Florida's chances. Offensive PI? NOT ON MY WATCH! Gentlemen, under my command, Florida will never get called for a penalty again."

5:12 PM: I can feel the years of my life flying out the window with this USC ND ending...

5:14 PM: that was the biggest fucking bullshit call ever.

5:21 PM: One second left... Also, despite what you may think, I'm not enough of a homer to want a shitty ending like that. There was absolutely 1 second left on the clock after that play.

5:23 PM; Trojans win! Terrible last play there from Jimmy "Heisman" Clausen. Can't wait to hear Lou Holtz spin this one into ND playing for the BCS Championship. On to the Idaho game.

5:28 PM: First, let's hear it for Notre Dame's leading receiver, Ground! Second, the best part f that one second left call? ND lost twice in one minute.

5:29 PM: The realization has sunk in. USC is going to get punished in the polls more than Florida will, despite beating a better team than they did by more. Florida isn't the number one team in the nation media and coaches, but don't let that simple fact stop you from putting them there.

5:39 PM: 28-17 Idaho with 9 minutes left.

5:49 PM: Sweet fumble recovery Idaho.

5:50 PM: This is the funniest thing I have ever read. From The Football Funhouse (at "You know goons, we all deal with a lot in our day to day lives and games like Notre Dame vs USC are colorful distractions that can divert us from the things in life that are truly important. And I think each of us has had a solemn reminder of that today and more specifically in this thread. For no matter how important it may seem when our teams charge out of the tunnel on Saturday, when it feels like the weight of the world is against us we all need to take a big step back, put things in perspective and remember that fuck Florida forever."

5:53 PM: So, apparently just really awesome blocking is Holding now? Terrible flag.

5:55 PM: And then Idaho loses control on a false start and a hold. Also, the more I looke at Greg McMackin, the more I think he should be a Disney villain. Look at that guy! You can't tell me that he wouldn't be better suited to threatening to burn down the plucky orphanage to make a parking lot for a mini-mall or something.



6:10 PM: Hawaii with a meaningless touchdown. And then a fumble on the 2 pt. conversion means that they stay well short of the spread.

6:14 PM: Hawaii recovers the onside kick. 14 seconds left, down by 12.

6:15 PM: And I think that officially makes three games where a Shiloh Keo pick wins it, even if this time it wasn't necessary to save the game.

6:25 PM: So, BSU to a big time bowl, Winner of Nevada vs. Idaho to Hawaii bowl, loser to the H-Bowl I'm thinking. And Fresno State to the New Mexico Bowl.

6:44 PM: Well sports fans, I'm going to declare this live blog done at this point. Sure, there are still games going on. Important ones, too. But, on the other hand, I have consumed nothing but beer today and was just offered a ride to Five Guys. So, I hope you all enjoyed this Live Blog edition of the AngryFootballNerd. See you when I see you!

Friday, October 16, 2009

More Coaches to Possibly Party With

Alright football fans, first, let me apologize. I didn't have an update for last week's games, and that is all on me. I got distracted with real life issues, and basically just forgot to do it. To make it up to you, I am planning on LiveBlogging Week 7's games! Stay on this website for up to the minute updates on what I think, as well as an insight into just how much I can drink by myself before being guilted by my own conscience into stopping (Happy Birthday Mom!).

Anyway, since I asked for suggestions on more coaches, you wonderful folks have been pouring in ideas. I thought I would share some of the better ones with you.

Dennis Erickson:
He spends the three months before your party claiming that he can help your "weak" party be the best party ever. You are really excited because he is, after all, Dennis Erickson. You trusted him once before and he drilled you in the ass, but this time things seem better. Instead, he brings a bunch of ex-convicts and lousy hookers to your party and makes it worse. He gets too drunk, blacks out, and gets raped by the ex-convicts. The hookers drink all your beer and don't put out. Erickson wakes up in Tempe, Arizona, and promptly ruins their party too.

Nick Saban:
I initially tried to be creative with some comparison between Jesus and Peter. Peter betraying Jesus three times. Similar to Saban's betrayal of Louisiana, Miami, and inevitably Alabama. Instead I will keep it very simple.
Anyone who wears a hat like his straw sombrero while on the sidelines of a division one football game is automatically a dick. On second thought, just don't invite him.

Those two are courtesy of an anonymous reader. The next ones are courtesy of my very own AngryFootballBrother, who when he reads this needs to get off his ass and write that guest article I told him I wanted.

Rick Neuheisel: After talking big all night and making a few bets about how he's going to get the number of the hottie dancing in the corner, he makes a few ineffectual and half-assed attempts to pick her up. She quickly loses interest and is later seen leaving the party with Pete Carroll.

Jeff Tedford: Makes a huge attention-grabbing entrance, does a couple keg stands, kicks ass in a few games of beer pong (the REAL kind, with paddles, not that pussy Beirut nonsense), and is generally the toast of the party for the first hour or so. Later, when it's his turn to play pong against some solid opponents, he's found passed out naked in the corner of the yard, covered in his own vomit. You leave him there, as no one wants to touch him.

Mike Locksley (New Mexico): In addition to arriving with Tom Cable, who's like the creepy college guy at a high school party, Locksley shows up already drunk and takes every drinking game way too seriously. Eventually he and Cable start fighting anyone and everyone on the front lawn, until you remind them that they have one win between them and they are laughed off your property.

Dan Hawkins: Leaves your party halfway through to go to some douchey downtown club. When the bouncers won't let him in because he brought along a minor (his son), he comes crawling back, begging you to let him back in. Unfortunately, you are at capacity, and he's last seen screaming at his son as he forces him to do wind sprints down the middle of the street. (AFN Note: And then Cody tries to escape the state in a weather balloon)

Finally, we have one that is an amalgamation of the thoughts of the GAG, myself, and the AngryFootballMother.

Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino: They both hover around the buffet table. You pay them no mind really, figuring that they are harmless. But, after a couple hours, you hear a scuffle. Charlie is being a huge asshole to not only Mark, but also anybody nearby who passes within a chubby arm's length. Eventually, you gather a big group of the other coaches and literally roll Weis out of the party. Mangino gets to stay, because really, what bad can you say about the guy?

Welp, see you all in 11 hours for the LiveBlog!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

The Coach Party

Hello football fans, and welcome to a different kind of update! Oh no, this isn't replacing my usual weekly discussion of the previous weeks games (although, due to real-life occurances, this will be pushed back to Thursday this week).

No, instead, I bring you this. Last week, the GAG (one-time blog contributor Bryan McMartin, also the AngryFootballRoommate) and I were discussing what certain football coaches would be like to party with. We had a good laugh, and then I thought to myself, "Hey self, why don't you share this with your adoring fans? They'd probably appreciate it, and it beats a 6th consecutive hour of studying for your math test!"

So, you are throwing a party, and you have a cell phone containing the phone numbers of all FBS coaches. Thanks to this helpful guide to the coaches, you can make the decisions that must be made. Who will you put on the guest list? Who gets the boot if they show up? You decide!

-Pete Carroll: He's the guy that spends all week hyping up your party to everyone he knows. When the party starts, he is late. You get annoyed with him, only to realize he was late because he was bringing 20 of the most attractive people of your preferred gender with him. Somebody has to pick them all up. He's also the first one over the next morning to help you clean the place up.

-Bob Stoops: He says that he'll be in charge of getting the beer. All week long, he sends you descriptions (with pictures!) of all the different types he is going to get in huge amounts. Then the party rolls around, and he has a six pack of Natty Light.

-Bobby Bowden- He shows up first, but eventually, you ask him to leave "for the good of the party." Three people are pissed at you for asking him to leave when "He's the whole reason we have a party in the first place!" And everyone else wants him gone. He refuses to leave, saying he will when he's damn good and ready.

-Les Miles: He's kind of awkward, so he plays it off by being a jackass to everyone. Arm punches, sarcasm, the works. But it's only because he doesn't really know how to fit in.

-Urban Meyer: He spends the week telling you that your party is the only one he wants to go to. Twenty minutes in, he gets a call from another friend at a different party, and immediately leaves.

-Steve Sarkisian: He's just so damn happy to be at your party.

-Lane Kiffin: He's the loud mouth who eventually gets the cops called on your party. Turns out, he shouldn't have been yelling at the old couple across the street for no reason.

-Robb Akey: In addition to coming through when Stoops forgets the beer, he is also the party machine. Brings great music, has some great jokes for everybody, the works. He also outdrinks everyone else by a factor of ten.

-Chris Peterson: Doesn't say much, or really do a whole lot. The next day, he talks about how happy he is that everyone had a good time, and you know he's being genuine about it.

-Joe Paterno: Tells a bunch of really old hilarious stories, but has to be in bed by 10. The party starts at 11.

-Chris Ault: Calls time out three times in the first quarter and then... Oh, right, party... Uhhhhhhhhh.... He sucks, don't invite him.

So, AngryFootballReaders, here we have a list of some of the biggest (and other) names in coaching! Who would you invite to your party? Or, who did I leave out? Send an e-mail to and if any responses are received, they will be run at a later date! Until later this week!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Dome Cooking- NCAA Week 5 News and Notes

Welcome back sports fans! Have some games to talk about, plus a special breaking the silence on the topic of BSU. Also, I have a rant for you! How lucky you are to be reading this! What a special time for you this must be! Anyway, on with the show!

-So, Michigan lost to Michigan State. This is funny, because Michigan State is not very good. Also because interceptions in overtime are a hilarious way to lose a game. See me laugh! Ha ha ha ha ha! But seriously, tough loss for Michigan. However, I have a feeling I'll be regretting saying that next season, when Tate Forcier becomes the next Tim Tebow in the eyes of the media.

-The best part of Minnesota losing to Wisconsin? A Minnesota message board claiming the true victory because not all of Wisconsin's team was out on the field for the National Anthem. When you are taking credit for things that happen off the field in order to claim a win, your program is in trouble.

-So, Stanford leading the Pac-10? Yup, that's actually happening. By dismantling UCLA, they are becoming more and more a legitimate Pac-10 contender, unlike, say... Arizona State (PS Erickson burn in a fire until you are dead!).

-Speaking of the Pac-10, how about Cal shitting the bed early this year? Usually, they have the decency to wait until late October/early November before being terrible. Lucky for USC and Oregon, they started early this season. This means that the conference will probably come down to one of USC/Oregon/Stanford (holy shit does that last one feel weird to type).

-LSU beat Georgia thanks to an amazing last couple minutes, and a horrid Excessive Celebration call. More on this after the game reviews.

-So, breaking my silence to talk about BSU for a moment... Wow. After talking to several people who were at the game, the conclusion has been (and keep in mind Angry Haters, this is not coming from me) that if they play another game like that, kiss the BCS chances goodbye. It probably isn't a good sign for your team when, for whatever reason, an FCS school holds you to over 100 fewer yards rushing than you've been averaging. The drop in the rankings is probably well deserved (again, not me talking, since I'll be damned if I'm watching a BSU game), and the Broncos better be careful from here on out, because now the precedent has been set for them to drop after ugly wins. Oh, and my personal favorite part? The fact that most of the fans I talked to mentioned how disgusted they were by BSU fans booing their own team. I can understand that if say, you call a timeout that the OTHER team needs (hey Purdue, way to give that game to Notre Dame!). Having a hard time thinking of any other circumstances where it is even close to acceptable.

-Ok, so, on to the game that everyone has been expecting me to talk about. Oregon State and Arizona State. This was a game that nope I'm not going to continue with this joke.

-So, Idaho against Colorado State. Aside from the chucklefuckery that was the ESPNU announcers, this was a terrific game. Both teams played well, there were some great big plays (Shiloh Keo could have my children any day of the week and twice on Sunday). This is a huge win for the Vandals, who are now 4-1. This is a program that is on the up. I'm not saying I think they will win out this season, but I do think that they will be bowl eligible by season's end (PS: Mom, if they go to the Hawaii Bowl, I know what I want for Christmas!). And really, the more teams we have in the WAC that are capable of playing like this, the better it is for the conference as a whole.

-Funniest part of the Vandal victory: The Idaho Statesman website has a comments section, which I've previously referred to as an area where brain cells go to die. This was illustrated best by a comment left by a BSU fan on the article about Idaho winning (or Brian Murphy's article about them doing better than anyone expected this year, I forget). Now, I'm doing this from memory, so it might not be word for word accurate, but I'm sure you will all get the point: "Idaho is a terrible team. UC Davis would kill them. And their schedule is a joke! They don't even play any ranked teams this year!"

I'll just go ahead and let that sink in for a moment.

Fucking moron.

-Cheers of the Week: USC, Idaho, Michigan State, My grandpa's margaritas

-Jeers of the Week: BSU, ESPNU announcers, Idiot fans who boo their own team, UCLA "football", excessive celebration penalties 99% of the time.

Ok, so here is my aforementioned rant about Excessive Celebration penalties. They are terrible. They can change a game's outcome (UW-BYU last year, Georgia-LSU this year) for something that has NO EFFECT ON THE FUCKING GAME. Seriously, is a player who just made a big play, say... a game winning touchdown, who then puts his finger to his lips in the "Shhhhh" motion really deserving of 15 yards on the kickoff? Absolutely not.

It's getting to the point where fans are getting nervous after every single play, thinking that it might be taken back by a yellow-happy zebra who is too in love with his own voice for the good of the game. If it keeps up like this, it may not be long until you aren't allowed to show any positive emotion on the field without risking a game changing penalty.

These penalties have a time and a place. If a team is taking an insane amount of time celebrating something, flag it. If a player is taunting the other team or their fans, flag it. Anything else, and keep that god damn flag in your pants.

God forbid a 19-22 year old kid get excited about winning a game.

Anyway, that's all for this week. Hope to see you back here next week, same Angry Time, same Angry Channel!

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Tim Tebow Died For Your Wins- NCAA Week 4 news and notes

Hello sports fans! Welcome to another exciting edition of my news and notes regarding the wonderful world of NCAA football! Plenty of fun stuff to discuss this week, so I won't waste your time with a lengthy introduction.

-Mizzou vs. Nevada: Good lord, have you ever seen so many overthrown passes? No, you have not. Don't pretend like you have! Nothing gives you that right! But anyway, this was a sloppy game from both teams that proved two things: A) Nevada needs a coach not named Chris Ault, and B) ESPN's Friday night team gets really pissy when teams run a two point conversion for no reason. For the next BSU game broadcast on a Friday, they should have EMTs standing by, or else things could get ugly. Seriously, one of the announcers spent a good fifteen minutes kvetching about the three 2 point conversions (of which there were no successes, I think). That's too damn long.

-Remember when Cal was ranked number 6, and then scored a total of 3 points against Oregon? Yeah, so I retract my statement of them slaughtering USC, and change it to "There is no possible way to predict who will win this game." Cal, for some reason, deviated from the perfectly good game plan of "Give the ball to Jahvid Best and then win the game" to "Let's throw the ball to people who aren't Jahvid Best and get horribly embarrassed on national TV as the number six team in the nation."

-So, Idaho is off to a 3-1 start. They played a solid, complete game against Northern Illinois (who, before BSU fans start laughing about a weak team, have been bowling 4 out of the last 5 years I believe) and managed to win cleanly 34-31. ANd that score was made lopsided by NIU being gifted with two touchdowns by the refs: one on an incomplete pass (turns out that you DON'T have to have possesion in the end zone for a touchdown) and one on a called incomplete that should have been an interception in the end zone (but if the ball is moving in the slightest in the defenders hands, it isn't an int).

-This reminds me to bitch about refs for a second: On big plays like that, you have to call it consistently. It can't be a catch on one possesion and a no-catch on the next. Well, it can, but it makes me hate you. Also, regarding holding: It needs to be a five yard penalty, and instead of conferring with the other refs, the head ref just needs to get on the mic, immediately, and call it, instead of wasting everyone's time.

-So, regarding Florida, and "the worlds bravest college football player, Tim Tebow." (Yes, Fox Sports referred to him as that). What the hell is brave about playing with the flu in a blowout over a terrible team? Padding stats in hopes of another Heisman? Being a leader, by playing with a debilitating illness that arguably made the concussion he received WORSE? That isn't bravery, it's stupidity, and anyone who thinks otherwise is just plain wrong.

-PS To the rest of the media: Quit making your headlines about Tebow something like "Kentucky hit gives Tebow concussion." That makes it sound like he didn't hit his own blocker's knee with the back of his head, which is what happened. Also, while a concussion is a serious deal and I hope he sits out the next game for his own health (which Urban Meyer has already said he won't), I do hope it knocked the Jesus Juice out of him. Hearing a Florida post-game that actually talked about the game, instead of God's will for the Gators to beat a crappy team, would be lovely

-I'm not going to talk about BSU, or Iowa beating Penn State, because I might punch my screen. Suffice to say, fuck.

-So, USC beat up on WSU, 27-6. But don't let the score fool you, WSU is definitely the worst FBS team this year. Despite the homer WSU radio announcer screaming about how Matt Barkley "only completes slow passes, he doesn't have any speed, so he isn't a good quarterback!" the game was never, for a second, in question. Also, favorite call from said announcer (regarding a HB draw): "Well, if he got past those three guys, there were only 3 more guys between him and the end zone!" Wow, all he would have had to do to score would be dodge MORE THAN HALF of the defense. He was so close!

Cheers of the Week: Idaho, USC, hilariously bad announcers both radio and TV

Jeers of the Week: Cal, just plain bad announcers, games in the rain (MIAMI U/PENN STATE 9/26/09 NEVER FORGET!)

Also, I am sad to report that this next weekend, those of you who follow me on Facebook will be unable to read constant status updates from me, as I will be at my grandparents, and the only internet there is not wireless, therefore I can't bring my laptop, therefore I will focus on getting fed and watered by my beloved grandmother. So, until the next update, peaceout!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Fight For Nothing

Alright AngryFootballFans, I'm man enough to know when I'm beaten. Today is one of those times. While normally I would slave away for hours, typing up a post to bring you massive amounts of both truth and comedy, today... I am humbled.

For the first time in the history of AngryFootballNerd, I am running a guest article. None of this update, save this intro, the outro, and a few comments throughout, was penned by me. No, my loyal fans, this was written by the AngryFootballRoommate, Bryan. So, without further wasting of time, I present you with....

The Fight for Nothing

A Journey into College Football Obscurity

The story of one man’s mission to make mid level WAC/MWC football entertaining through booze and sex jokes.

Hello football fans this is Bryan McMartin, Angry Football Nerd’s Roommate and the very first Guest Author on the AFN blog. I was able to become the first ever GAG (Guest Article Guy/Gal) when AFN decided to go with “It’s Official; Notre Dame would make a Decent WAC Team” as his blog title after their week one victory over Nevada, making back to back victories over mid level WAC teams. So I decided that I would chronicle my weekend trip to Fort Collins, Colorado to watch my former roommate and former school the University of Nevada Wolf Pack take on the Colorado State Rams in what I could only describe as, ‘The Fight for Nothing.’

5:45 am: I awake to my cell phone blaring out the Black Eyed Pees ‘Tonight’s Gonna be a Good Night.’ The sun is nearly 2 hours from sniffing the sky and I drag myself out of bed. About a month earlier I had decided that it would be a good idea to make a trip to Fort Collins, CO to watch my old buddy and former roommate Ryan Coulson play some football. Coulson is a 6’3’’ 245 lbs defensive end for the Univ. of Nevada and I hadn’t seen the guy since he came up to McCall in July. So my dad and I decided to couple the Nevada-CSU football game with a Denver Bronco vs Cleveland Brown game on that Sunday. An added bonus was that my sister Kellen was living in Fort Collins, so it made tons of sense at the time to fly out for 2 days, 1 night, and 2 football games. But somehow I found myself questioning the decision to book the 7 am flight out. This hit me while I blindly tried to finagle my pee stream into the toilet with morning wood that rivaled USC’s Jeweled Shillelagh, how am I going to survive this weekend?

6:40 am: My father and I board our United flight to Denver with a bag of McDonalds McGriddles and smiles on our faces. While the 7 am flight always tests your will, man can surely conquer it with a McGriddle on your tray table, seat back in its most downward relaxed position, Entourage (read: nude breasts) on your video ipod, and football/beer in your near future. Like the blazing sun rising over the Rocky Mountains the excitement starts to build for a great weekend.

9:02 am: My father and I exit the plane and head off to pick up our rental car. It was good to spend some time with my old man for a change. Ever since college started, quality time with the Papa bear was sparse, so it was good to pal around with Dr. Dad….plus he was a good designated driver. While at the rental car place he has an exchange with the rental car guy that went something like this:

Rental car nerd: “So we do have a Yukon Denali available, I can book that for you”

Dad: “I’ll just take what’s $37.”

Rental car nerd: “Well the Denali is normally $169, but I can give it to you for $80”

Dad: “The $37 car will be fine.”

Rental car nerd: “I can get you in an F 150 truck that is normally $130 for only $75”

Dad: “Nope, $37 is what I’d like to pay.”

Rental car nerd: “Ok…I’ll just give you the F 150 for $37.”

Dad to me: “I think they only have 2 cars left.”

(Dr. Mike is the man. -AFN)

So Clyde the cross-eyed retard at the Budget counter handed us the keys and we were on our way to Fort Collins.

12 pm (3 hours until kick off): I am always amazed at how pretty of a state Colorado is. It’s turning into a perfect day and I marvel at the mountain ranges and beautiful scenery. The air is crisp and the sky is clear, I stop to soak it all in...then I realize it is nearly noon and I have yet to have a beer, the GAG is sad.

12:01 pm: I crack my first beer. A Dos Equis amber, it’s delicious. I think to myself, what would the Most Interesting Man in the World do at this moment?

12:02 pm: I open my second Dos Equis, it’s what I thought the Most Interesting Man in the World would have done.

We are now at my uncle’s house for our niece’s tenth birthday party. It is now me, my dad, my sister, her boyfriend, his 2 kids, my aunt, uncle, and niece, and their friend Bill. Quite the party, huh? But it ended up being a perfect warm up for the game, because there was good beer and more importantly good food to prepare the stomach for a night of drinking.

But the highlight of the big birthday bash was when it was time to open presents; there was this exchange:

Me: “Hey Kate (the GAG’s niece) this present is from me, it’s a BOP IT. It’s a toy where it tells you what to do. You have to twist it, pull it, or bop it. You get to see how many in a row you can get.”

Kate: “Oh….(looks around uncomfortably waiting for me to stop talking to her)”

Me: “Here I’ll play it” (I play for a few moments, rotating from pulling it, twisting it and bopping it.)

Colin (Bob’s 9 yr old son): “Is that all you can do???”

Me: “Yep, that’s it”

Colin: “What about.... (thinking very hard)..….. suck it?”

Me: (over fits of laughter) “Well it only asks me to twist it, pull it, and bop it. I never thought about sucking it unless it asked.”

(Future AFN contributor? I think so!- AFN)

Could not have been happier. Today is going to be great. Beer’s 3 and 4 go down real smooth.

2:30 PM: We arrive at Colorado State’s field. The parking lot is a gigantic field with no lines or roads, now this is Colorado. We pop the back of the car and I enjoy beers 5 and 6. We are surrounded by CSU fans who are either to nice or too high/drunk to bother us visiting folks. The typical male CSU fan looked like a mix between Willy Nelson and Frodo Baggins with Jimmy Clausen’s hair. Not the most intimidating figure. The female fans were surprisingly attractive and although I had the urge, I refrained from chanting “Show us your pussies! Show us your pussies!” I definitely DID NOT refrain 2 years ago when CSU visited Nevada. I had my head out the window reciting my well constructed chant for the whole ride home that night… with my girlfriend in the same car. We are shockingly no longer together.

(But he still isn't over her! -AFN)

We entered the stadium and I was happy to see 16 oz Coors Lights for sale for $5.50. You’ve got to love college stadiums that actually serve beers. Numbers 7 and 8 go down while we head to our seats. Now it’s time for kick off.

5:00 PM: While I know this is supposed to be a football article, but there was no true football played on that field that day. Nevada was a coat hanger abortion out there and we could barely stand it. All of those BSU fans that were worried about Nevada, don’t be. Kaperenick was the worst player on the field, and that is not an understatement. He struggled to take a snap, he was forcing throws, and he was the main reason Nevada was beaten. But there were some highlights:

Seeing Colorado State’s Mascot’s Balls ( ) Always an unbelievably hilarious sight. While I have seen them many times I can’t get over the pure hilarity. They look like a potato sack covered in shag carpet, swinging from the ram’s hind legs like cuddly chandeliers.

Colorado State’s stadium- half of the field is the student section, and the stands go all the way onto the field. After watching 95% of college football games at Bronco Stadium in Boise or Mackey Stadium in Reno it is easy to forget how great it is not to have a track around the field.

Chris Ault- seeing him upset is one of the better things in the world. I hope Nevada plays LSU so Les Myles can punch his face (b/c Les Myles wants to punch everyone in the face) and see Coach Ault get upset.

5 PM- ????? PM- So save you from more boob/drinking jokes I will just finish with a few extras. I ended up drinking between 15-17 beers on the day, most of them in Bob’s basement while watching the evening football games. Here are some text messages sent from AFN and I:

(G- Bryan, A- AFN)

G- 11 minutes ino the 3rd quarter and 12 beers down. Its gonna be a great guest article.

A- UW beat USC. I called that shit.

G-FOR REAL? what was the score?

A-16-13. Turns out Corp didn't start the season because he is awful.

G- Oh no. F'n Sark. (Side note: Yes, despite the fact that the two of us curse enough to make a sailor blush, he said F'n. Clearly, the alcohol was taking over at this point.

A- Cal is going to crush SC I think.

G- Nevada blows. They stop serving beer at half. Bryan is sad. We suck bad.

A- Today can only be salvaged by a notre dame loss.

A- Which was just fucking made impossible by a ND int.

G- Holy shit. Nevada is getting killed. My buzz is starting to leave me (He was probably lying here. -AFN). What a terrible day of football.


A-Alright, Idaho won, so today is great.

G- Georgia scores in the highest scoring SEC game ever. I tell an old man i personally watched Jimmy Clausen suck a penis. The 17th beer goes smooth. Yes

A- Ty and I (other roommate) are going to sorority row hammered.

G-Where are you? There's one of those in boise?

A- The movie you drunk

G- Ha ha. How am I suppsed to assume that when there is great football on? Sorry. But I'm loving life. I'm about to write the best (First. -AFN) guest article ever! (He sent this text to me again immediately after. -AFN)

A- You'd better. Hey, call Danbar and tell him we need a ride to the movie.

G-Scrtew that. I'll give you his number.

G- And i'm not drunk. I'm awesome. Auburn vs west virginia. So good! Go football! I just knocked out some kids. And I just had sex with some chicks. YA!!

A- You are a fuck.

G- *Phone number deleted due to privacy concerns*

G- Suck it easy April. Listen up you beautiful bitch. Let me fuck you up with some truth. I love you. You should be watching football. Go Broncos/Eagles.

A- That wasn't Danbar you ass, that was someone named Janelle.

G-*Repeat of the previously sent message*

G- Ha ha ha. Whoops. It's *Another phone number gone so I don't get sued*. That's real.

A- We're too late now thanks to you. You ruined Christmas.

G- Oh i'm sorry. Now you get to drink and be awesome. You should just drive drunk. (Don't ever do this. - AFN) Football is great. Bud light better. I'm gonna french Shannon Sharpe.

A- I can't argue with that.

I’ve attached a video to Alex of me flattening young children with a giant bouncy ball. I thought it was a good idea at the time. (Yeah, at no point did I ever receive said video. Damn that devil drink! -AFN)

I drove past a grocery store that was familiar from when my old gf went to CSU, I comment, “I’ve bought condoms there before.” My father’s love for me drops just a bit.

We drive past another grocery store and my sister asks, “Did you buy condoms there too?” “No,” I answer, “I think I bought a pregnancy test there……It was negative…..(I fart)..Oops.” Classic me.

I was awkwardly entertained by the Georgia-South Carolina game. Who knew those two would score points? I curse a couple of times awkwardly with kids and a bunch of people I’ve never met around.

The next day the Denver Broncos blow out the Cleveland Browns. Shannon Sharpe parachutes out of a plane and into Mile High Stadium for his Ring of Fame induction. As corny as that sounds it was actually one of the more exciting things I’ve ever seen. It reminded me of the Chick-fil-a commercial where the cows parachute into the stadium except instead of a cow it was a horse, er Shannon Sharpe.

All in all it was a great weekend, and a totally worthless college football game. Now I need to think of a great title for this weekends games so I can write another guest article about 2 weeks from now when I head to the Biggest Little City in the World for the Biggest Little Battle for Nothing the Nevada v. UNLV version. Until then, I’m the man with the ball. I’m the one who can throw it faster than fuck. That is why I am better than everyone in the world. So kiss my ass and suck my dick everyone.


And there you have the first ever guest article.

We will be back next week with a regular style update. Hopefully, there will be some better games, because what the hell was I going to talk about this time anyway? USC's annual collapse against a team they should cream? Minnesota not being that good as it turns out? Nebraska losing to VT in the most boring game ever played? I work with what they give me people.

Oh, and to answer last week's "Trivia" question:

The spelling of Weis as Wise started last spring at BSU. A female sportswriter wrote an article with the title being something like "10 bits of advice for Notre Dame." The article, which was more condescending than anything I have ever read, was a letter to ND's head coach, basically lambasting him for all his faults both real (poor team discipline) and perceived (profanity filled outbursts at the media). The kicker? She misspelled Weis as Wise every single time throughout the article. This prompted another awesome article from the head of the student newspaper's sports section, where he decried everyone criticizing her as sexist. Not mentioned once? The fact that in an article that haughty, she got the most basic fact wrong.

Until next week!