Friday, August 20, 2010

I would hate to be Brian Murphy's child

The Location: The Home of Brian Murphy, Sports"writer" for the Idaho Statesman.

The Time: Christmas Eve

Son: Merry Christmas, Papa!

BM: Why is it so merry?

Son: Papa? What's wrong? Why do you look like a broken husk of a man?

BM: Well, I wrote a wretched article a few months ago.

Son: Well Papa, I would think you would be used to that by now! What was so bad about this one?

BM: You see, back during round 2 of the college football conference apocalypse, I talked about the University of Idaho, and I said some pretty stupid things.

Son: Like what Papa?

BM: Well, I started ripping into their AD and the President of the University for showing optimism. They were trying to make the most of an admittedly crappy situation, and I compared them to all sorts of things. I also managed to find it in my "talent" to make fun of elementary students and their accomplishments. Basically, I wrote like a world class jackass.

Son: Oh, I see... Well, at least Santa is coming tonight!

BM: Santa isn't real, idiot. Stop trying to be happy!

Alright, I think I've made my point here. But, in the style of Brain Murphy, let me belabor it a bit more.

Murphy wrote a terrible article. I'm not going to link to it here, since that would require going to the Idaho Statesman website and I accidentally already did that earlier today. Where I read the comments on this article. Which included a U of I fan saying "Good luck to the Broncos in the MWC" and being ripped apart by the next three posters. But I digress.

Anyway, the point of the article was essentially what my delightful little one-man play above was about (coming to theaters this Winter, starring a hobo on the street corner). Murphy was tearing apart Idaho and the administration for trying to put a happy face on a terrible situation. He also found it within his large self (I am assuming, from the headshot that appears next to his articles, that he is a big fat dude) to mock elementary students.

This is the part that really pisses me off, and I am going to focus on for the rest of this update. Because frankly, the rest of the article isn't worth my (or your) time. He said that "winning a championship in the new WAC is like winning the fifth grade three-legged race. Here's your ribbon. What next?"

Clearly, Mr. Murphy, you have never been around children. Stuff like that? It IS a big deal to them. You have never seen a child's face light up when they accomplish the achievements that must seem minor to such a distinguished athlete such as yourself.

Last Spring, I had the fortune to attend a couple of track meets. At one of them, a student did something amazing. He managed to finish third in his race (and before you and your hatred of good try to ruin this, there were more than three students racing). He had never even come close to the top previously. And he clutched that ribbon like it was his most prized possession. So what if it wasn't the almighty Fiesta Bowl trophy? To him it was as good as.

Mr. Murphy (and I'm forcing myself to use Mr. here, as there are several other things I would rather call you, but I promised my mother I would cut back on the potty mouth this season), go ahead and mock the University of Idaho. Go ahead and expose yourself for the ignorant, character-less ass that you are. Hell, go ahead and make fun of me in an article, since that seems to be what you and your audience lap up, and we all know that making it big as a writer in Boise is one step away from Pulitzers. I'm not a violent person by nature, although I might beat you at Street Fighter.

But if you ever, and I do mean EVER mock elementary students again for their accomplishments, well... I'm willing to give violence a chance.