Saturday, October 30, 2010

Tennessee Players afraid of Showers for Some Reason

Hello sportsfans! Welcome to another edition of college football commentary by me, the one and only Angry Football Nerd. In this update, we talk history with Vols head coach Derek Dooley, and tragedy at Notre Dame. Also, some Heisman talk that is almost sure to screw be screwed up by the end of the day today. I also make fun of a much more famous sportswriter, this time on the national level. So, let's get this show on the road!

- So, if you haven't heard by now, Tennessee head coach Derek "Crybaby" Dooley compared his team to the Nazis at Normandy during his press conference last Monday. Something resembling the full text can be found here. Now,I don't necessairly agree with ESPN's take that it is inappropriate to talk about war while our country is at war (or else the History channel is screwed). But there is one thing that you never, EVER do.

That thing is compare anybody or anything to the Nazis and expect to be taken seriously. This includes yourself, your team, politicians of the opposing political party (no matter how black they may be), anything or anyone. Period.

Now, I'm not some namby-pamby whiny baby. But seriously Dooley? The Nazis. THE NAZIS. The most evil group of people in human history. I mean, jokes are great and all, but when you are already in a state that is viewed as backwards as Tennessee is, and you make comments like that, and the people actually support it? Damn, you're an idiot.

At least he's rebuilding the program.

-So, Kansas is on a downswing. So much so that, before this weeks game against Iowa State (Who awesomely beat Texas for the first time ever last weekend), the Athletic Department issued a press release. Now, after a bit of research, the thing in question I am about to tell you has been going on since at least 2007. But, anyway:

A KU Loss Would:

-Be less good than a win

NO WAY!!!!!! I never could have figured that out on my own! Thank you Kansas! You have shown us all the light!

-The tragedy at Notre Dame. Now, I am not a Notre Dame fan. Anybody who has read this blog or talked to me for more than five minutes could tell you that. But, I am not a horrible person (that horrible anyway). This genuinely sucks. Nobody deserves to have something that horrific happen. My heart goes out to the victim, his family, the players and coaches who witnessed it, and the University itself.

-So, I promised that I would mock a more famous sportswriter. Pat Forde, you suck! Seriously, read the guys article sometime. He likes to think of himself as a champion of the underdog (read: non-AQ teams). However, the three teams that he is talking about (if you need me to tell you what three teams he is talking about you need to remove your head from your buttocks and turn on sportscenter) are likely to be favored in EVERY SINGLE ONE of their remaining games, save for when TCU and utah play each other (my money is on TCU being favored). Honestly, cheering for these teams is like cheering for the weed whacker to beat the blade of grass.

Yes, I get that he is talking about the overall picture, and that these teams deserve to play in the title game. Which, annoyingly enough, he has been doing since the first week of the season, so he must either believe that their schedules are really so weak as to not even be worth playing or he is a world class hypocrite.

Also, want proof of how little ESPN itself regards him? Check his e-mail address. That's right, the so-called champion of the under(over)dog doesn't get an official e-mail. No, he gets something straight out of 1997. That's right friends, Pat Forde can be reached at ESPN4D@AOL.COM. That's right, AOL.

-AFN's Top Five Heisman Candidates:

1. Cam Newton, QB Auburn
2. Denard Robinson, QB Michigan
3. Ndamukong Suh, Facecrusher Detroit Lions
4. LaMichael James, HB Oregon
5. Gin and Tonics, Delicious My stomach

AFN's Top Five Football/Sports Commentators:

1. Brad Nessler
2. Colin Cowherd/Future Mrs. AFN Michelle Beadle (Sportsnation being an awesome show)
3. Scott Van Pelt
4. Kirk Herbstriet
5. Mark May (if you hate him, you clearly don't get the gimmick)

AFN's current favorite thing in college football:

The fact that in 20 minutes, I get to watch Georgia-Florida and it is legitimately a cripple fight this year. This is tied with Baylor about to play Texas, and BAYLOR is the ranked team.

AFN's current least favorite thing in college football:

The fact that people are still saying "this early in the season." It is Halloween weekend* people. That is not "early in the season" by any means.

*PS: Halloween night, normally a fun time for all of us aged 4-10, and then 21-30, is on a Sunday this year. Sorry, cheap drinks and girls dressed like slutty cats/nurses. You can't compare to Saints-Steelers!

The best song is still:

Rocky Top

Alright sportsfans. Nebraska Mizzou is about to kick off, and frankly, I need to watch this game to determine who I bet on in the Big 12 championship. See you next week(ish).

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Breaking the Silence

Hello sports fans. Sorry for my extended absence, but unlike the vast majority of people who write a sports blog, I actually have a real job that requires my attention. This update also heralds something of a new format. Instead of breaking down a ton of games (something that I have lost interest in, as how many times can I really say that X team is awesome/sucks and still make it hysterical?), I'm going to talk about a few subjects at a time, and give more in-depth thoughts. So, here comes the first one!

-The Minnesota Golden Gophers finally fired Tim Brewster, ending a few years of declining football. This will not lead to immediate great things however. They still ave to hire a new coach, and the current rumblings are... disturbing to say the least.

Two leading candidates? Dan "Wife Beatin" McCarney and Gary "Well, she was a bad kicker so it is ok that players raped her" Burnett.

We all like winning. It's in our nature. Would those coaches eventually help Minnesota win more games? Absolutely.

At what cost are Gopher fans willing to win? Hire a wife beater? Hire someone who ACTUALLY JUSTIFIED RAPE BY SAYING THAT SHE DESERVED FOR NOT BEING GOOD AT FOOTBALL? Hopefully, we don't have to find out.

Me, I would take a happy loser over a wretched excuse for a human who goes (it is Minnesota, so let me be realistic) 8-4 year in year out.

-On Florida's troubles:
Rumors are circulating that Urban "Squeaky Clean" Meyer has essentially retired. Some of these back up previous rumors that he came back after his retirement last year to only help the University save face (That is working well after that loss to Mississippi State at home). Now, as these are rumors, take them with a grain of salt.

That said, as no great fan of Urban Meyer, or Florida in general (circumcise America's wang), let me say just one thing:


Eat it, Urbz.

-My Heisman top 5:
1. University of Oregon
2. Denard Robinson
3. Ndamukong Suh (I am not joking about this, dammit)
4. Cam Newton
5. Les Miles

My BCS Top 5, if I were a BCS computer:

1. Oregon
2. Oklahoma
3. Oregon again
4. Alabama (If you think that their one loss, given the schedule they play, makes them a not top 5 team, you are bad and you should feel bad)
5. LSU (Voodoo beats skill, always)

Why the BCS isn't the worst thing in college football:

Hey Mid-Majors! If you really are just as good as the big boy teams, then NO! It is not too much to ask to go undefeated. None of you play anybody of note anyway! Oregon State? They just lost to Washington! Iowa State? I beat them like twice today!

Seriously though, here is the choice for Mid-Majors:

A) Go undefeated, play in a huge bowl game with a ton of money and exposure, as a result of finishing in the top 12


B) Rely on the bowl coordinators to pick you, a smaller school with a much smaller fanbase, to pick you over, say... a 9-3 Texas team that will bring INFINITY DOLLARS to them.

Am I saying the BCS is perfect? No. Am I even a huge fan of it? No (but not for the matchups it has produced). I'm more against it because they release the rankings in the middle of October. If they didn't come out until after the season (but before the bowls you pedantic jerkstore), that would alleviate a ton of my problems with it.

Awesomest trend in College Football:

Quarterbacks not named Tim Tebow TIED with Les Miles crazy voodoo priest powers.

Least awesomest trend in College Football:

Fanbases complaining about other teams ranking above them based on results from previous seasons. Minnesota won a national championship in '62. By the logic these mental giants use, that means that they should still be number 1.

Anyway, I'm out for this week.

Last minute pick:

Auburn over LSU. Even though I am a crazy person who loves Les Miles, I don't think that they can sneak past this one.

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Live Blogging the day Away!

Hello sports fans! Welcome to another edition of Live Blogging Featuring AFN! For those of you who are new this year, every time the Red River Shootout (Call it the rivalry and I will end you) rolls around, I get the crazy idea to live blog. This should be a good one this year, as we also have Oregon-Stanford and Florida-Alabama. In this I will write down almost all the football thoughts that cross my mind. Let's get it started!

10:26 AM- I love the Herbstriet "Stud Finder" commercial. More products and services need to be self-aware like Gameday is.

10:27 AM- Will this be the yearly game that Ohio State drops? Probably!

10:29 AM- Great punt by the Illini to trap the Buckeyes on their own 1. Also, a moment of silence for Michigan State coach Mark Dantonio, who was readmitted into the hospital today after his heart attack after the Notre Dame game.

10:33 AM- Over in the Minnesota-Northwestern game, my first "Fire Brewster" came out for the day. This will not be the last, regardless of the outcome of this game.

10:35 AM- Remember the Texas A&M game Thursday night? How did anyone, ever, think that Jerron Johnson was a Heisman contender? When you throw nearly as many picks as TDs, you are not a good quarterback.

10:37 AM- Keys to beating Minnesota: Have a pulse. Fire Brewster. Speaking of Brewster, after last week's loss to Northern Illinois, he said of the team's 1-3 record, 'That doesn't matter. We can still go undefeated in the Big 10." Timmy, if you lose to South Dakota State, USC, and NIU, no, you CAN'T go undefeated in the Big 10.

10:41 AM- A possible game ending penalty by Minnesota that gave Northwestern the ball on the Minny 10 with a fresh set of downs is erased by a NW fumble recovered by Minnesota.

10:43 AM- Holy crap, they ruled him down by contact on the field. The commentary team seems to think that it will be overturned and Minnesota ball on the 6. After seeing the replay, I agree with them.

10:44 AM- Yeah, they overturned it. Replay is awesome, right World Cup and Major League Baseball?

10:49 AM- Minnesota somehow driving. Honestly, as a fan, I want them to lose out. I can't risk anything happening that might keep Brewster hired. My biggest fear is that they somehow win a game that they shouldn't in epic fashion and he stays employed.

10:57 AM- Get ready Moscow peeps, I'm headed your way the first weekend in November. Prepare Mikey's, the Club, and possibly Old Peking.

11:08 AM- Clemson-Miami looks like a much better game than NW-Minn. So why am I not watching it? Simply because FIRE BREWSTER. And now the Gophs are about to score to tie it up.

11:10 AM- Yeah, they tied it up.

11:12 AM- Illinois is currently leading Ohio State 10-7. Why does OSU always struggle in a conference game against a BAD team?

11:18 AM- Thank goodness OSU. Now keep it up in the second half, or I will find Terrelle Pryor and steal from you, steal from me, kill you, kill me (man I hope somebody knows what I'm talking about).

11:25 AM- Northwestern driving to hopefully break the 14-14 tie going into the half.

11:30 AM- Nope.

11:36 AM- Minnesota is in the lead 21-14 going into the half. I feel like such a jerk, but I just want Brewster gone so very much.

11:40 AM- Baylor just broke an AMAZING pass to score from their own 6. It was basically a lateral, and the blocking was outstanding. Just one of those plays that is done to absolute perfection.

11:48 AM- Pryor out for a bit with an injury. Hopefully he will be back soon. Time to see if Ohio State is a one trick pony.

12:03 PM- A light lunch took me through halftime and NW is driving after a crazy fumble recovery for 35 yards.

12:05 PM- NW scores to even it up with Minnesota. Or they would have, had they not missed the extra point.

12:11 PM- Idaho and Western Michigan just kicked off. The picture is like looking through a sheet of wax paper, and the sound quality is worse than a kindergarten music class

12:15 PM- This lull in the games seems like as good a time as any to talk about this. If you are any kind of decent person, and you are getting married, you need to listen to this. Don't schedule your wedding during the fall. It's simply rude to expect your friends and family to not watch games so that you can get hitched. There are a couple exceptions to this rule. The first is if you do it during the first two weeks of the season and there are not any major games. The second is if the wedding is in the state of Minnesota. Props to the Angry Football Best Friend, who scheduled his wedding for Memorial Day.

12:21 PM- And the WAC Sports Network loses the feed to the Idaho-WMU game. Jeez, can the WAC do anything right ever?

12:26 PM- Flip to the Minnesota game just in time to see them pick a NW TD pass.

12:30 PM- It's time. It's TIME. IT'S BEER TIME!


12:46 PM- Beer in hand, football on TV, football on radio. Life is good.

12:54 PM- Ohio State seals the game 24-13 with 2 minutes left. Of course, I'm going to keep watching, since I fully expect them to screw it up.

1:04 PM- OSU did not screw it up. That sound you hear? That is my sigh of relief.

1:06 PM- Awesome fake punt Idaho!

1:07 PM- Robb Akey has enormous testicles of pure titanium.

1:20 PM- Northwestern beating Minnesota, Ohio State winning. Big Ten is going according to plan today.

1:22 PM- Scene: AFN and AFMother are listening to Idaho game on radio, as AFFather is watching the delayed by 8 seconds broadcast upstairs.

Idaho: Touchdown
AFN and AFM: Claps
AFM: I think we're ahead of your dad
AFF: Starts clapping.
AFN and AFM: Raucous laughter

1:32 PM- Red River Shootout is imminent. No matter how bad or good both of these teams are, this is one of my favorite games of the year.

1:39 PM- Dear Idaho: i know this is contrary to your beliefs, but committing penalties is actually a bad thing.

1:46 PM- Idaho ahead at the half 17-10. And a hilarious holding penalty after a hilarious personal foul penalty against Texas keeps Oklahoma's opening drive alive.

1:51 PM- Boomer Sooner! Boomer Sooner!

1:57 PM- Apparently Oklahoma's D did something cool, I don't know I was taking a bathroom break.

2:05 PM- Oklahoma scores again and I just realized that I have access to the Michigan game, and therefore Denard Robinson.

2:16 PM- Outside of Urban Meyer, Mack Brown is the least likable coach in NCAA football. Just everything about him screams "I'm a bitter old man desperately trying to cling to glory".

2:26 PM- This seems as good a time as any to make a gin and tonic.

2:30 PM- This seems as good a time as any to make another gin and tonic. Dammit Idaho, why do you do this to me?!

2:31 PM- Ahhh, that'll stave off the malaria.

2:41 PM- Michigan is tied with indiana? This is not a thing that I am ok with.

2:48 PM- You know, when it comes down to great debates, you always have to take a side. Texas-Oklahoma, I'm on Oklahoma's side. Good-Evil, I'm on the side of good. But there is one debate that will transcend the ages, and that is Edward-Jacob. I'm firmly on Team Edward. Team Edward James Olmos, that is. Yes, it is a Battlestar Galactica joke.

3:02 PM- Oklahoma is just manhandling Texas. Manhandling them like... a manhandling... thing.

3:12 PM: Idaho with a fumble recovery putting them on the WMU 15 while up 30-13 in the 4th. Also, the Vandal Gameday flag was definitely spotted during Gameday, bringing the streak to 2. We may never beat Wazzu's streak, but we can make a good showing!

3:19 PM- Oh sweet Jesus! We are screwed! The University of Michigan commercial just aired footage of students controlling a robot. All hail our new robot overlords!

3:34 PM- This is a shout out to local Boise band Nude Oil. I can honestly say that if you like things that are awesome, they are the band for you.

3:28 PM-

3:38 PM- One of the most recent predictions I've seen for bowl season (which, lol at them in the first 2 months anyway) has Idaho against Arizona State in the Kraft Fight hunger bowl. Regardless of the outcome of that game, does Erickson leave the stadium alive? My money is on yes, but minus 2 limbs.

3:45 PM- Awesome fake punt by Texas. Pays off! I think one of the best things about football is being able to give credit to amazing play by teams you hate.

3:55 PM- Dear Michigan State: While I feel for you after the loss of your coach, I would appreciate it if you wouldn't beat Wisconsin. Thanks, AFN

3:59 PM- Sweet sack by Michigan.

4:09 PM- Tennessee-LSU, after starting off very ugly for Tenn (LSU scored on the first play), is now in the fourth with LSU up 10-7, but Tennessee just completed an amazing pass and is threatening to score.

4:24 PM- The Angry Football Father, upon watching the WSU-UCLA game, immediately referred to Neuheisal as Buttheisal.

4:28 PM- UCLA: One week we crush Texas, the next we struggle with WSU.

4:49 PM- I'm so conlficted on the ending of this Tennessee-LSU game. On one hand, I hate LSU. On the other I hate Derek Dooley.

4:51 PM- OH MY GOD! What an amazing ending! Of course a Les Miles team would fall to crappy clock management. AND NOW 12 MEN ON THE FIELD TENNESSEE!

4:53 PM- Holy crap what an ending. LSU WINS!!!!!

4:54 PM- Wow, what an assclown Dooley is. I understand being pissed after a loss like that. But to not even look Miles in the eyes as he comes to shake your hand? Grow up, jerk.

5:09 PM- And Oklahoma wins it after a muffed punt is recovered by the OU long snapper.

5:16 PM- Alright folks, I'm taking a break for dinner. be back in an hour or so.

6:27 PM- Alright, back from delicious steaks to soak up the alcohol. The night's games have started, with Bama leading Assholes 3-0, Oregon up on Stanford 3-0, USC beating UW 7-0, and Iowa probably beating Penn State by a hojillion points.

6:39 PM- Stanford looking really good against Oregon, leading 7-3. Also, a Brent Musberger lovefest about the Pistol, designed by Hall of Fame Head Coach Chris Ault of Nevada.

6:51 PM- Stanford might very well kick oregon's ass if this keeps up. And if they do, who is going to stop them? 21-3 Cardinal, and they are showing no sign of stopping.

7:05 PM- Ballsy onside works for Oregon as they recover the ball after a touchdown! 10-21 Stanford.

7:11 PM- Oregon scores again, making it 17-21. It's a shame that this game isn't the last week of the season, so we could hear debates about how they both deserve a rematch in the national championship.

8:00 PM- Alright sports fans, I'm calling this Live Blog for the day. Come back next week sometime, as I post an update on the end of the day, as well as any thoughts I feel compelled to share.