Welcome faithful followers to another exciting season of college football updates courtesy of me, the AngryFootballNerd! I've got a lot of great things coming towards you this season, including some guest writers, some more in the field reporting, and some other crap that is vaguely defined!
To get things started off right, I thought it would be fun to subject you to my pre-season predictions, Conference by conference. Included in each prediction are the conference champion, a possible dark horse, and anything else of note relating to that conference. So, without beating around the bush anymore, here we go.
Champion: The University of Florida Fighting Tebows. I am not an idiot. Of course Florida is more than likely going to win the SEC. Returning everyone on defense 2 deep, and of course, Timothy "I could commit Murder One and get away with it" Tebow makes them the odds on favorite not only to win the SEC and the BCS Championship, but also cure every disease known to mankind, figure out how to travel faster than light, and bring peace and unity to the world.
Dark Horse: LSU. Everyone is assuming that it is a foregone conclusion that Flordia is going to win everything known to mankind this year. That is the kind of motivation LSU needs to run over the competition.
It Won't Be: Georgia. Losing too many players, combined with Florida still hating them more than Timmy loves him some preaching, makes Georgia incredibly unlikely to win the SEC.
Champion: Texas. This one physically hurts me. So, to clarify, let me say that I DO NOT think that they will be undefeated. I actually think that we are going to see a repeat of last year's situation (only with Oklahoma State instead of Texas Tech). This time though, Texas will be on the good end of the debacle. The real question there is "Do Texas fans still spend the next six months bitching about how unfair it is?"
Dark Horse: Oklahoma State. Get used to hearing "Robinson tosses it to Bryant....TOUCHDOWN!" during Cowboy games, because those two are going to light it up this season. I can see a surging OSU winning the big games that they need to win to make it to play whatever patsy the Big 12 North serves up this year.
It Won't Be: Kansas. The past couple years have been some sort of space-time anomaly, and the odds of that happening for a third time in a row are so insignificant that I can't think of a witty way to say something about it. Instead, I'll just remind everyone that Kansas Head Coach mark Mangino weighs more than most offensive lines (love you Jayhawks!)
Champion: Virgina Tech. This is a team that could definately go to the BCS championship. They have the talent, and an early win over Alabama could set the tone for an amazing season.
Dark Horse: Miami. If they start hot, they will stay hot. While I don't see them in the BCSCG, they could go to a BCS bowl.
It Won't Be: Florida State. Bowden has his head way too far up his ass about trying to get back within striking distance of JoePa regarding the all time wins record. FSU has even hired two full time assistants to scour old records, looking for wins that haven't been recorded yet. Combine that with the fact that he isn't a very good coach anyway at this point, and you have a recipe for mediocrity.
Champion: Penn STTTTAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTTTEEEEEEEEEE. JoePaBot will not rest until a national title is in his cold robotic hands. This is not that year (a 2 loss Florida team could still make it to the BCSCG over an undefeated Big 10 or Pac 10 team due to how much the media and other coaches love Tebow). But another season like last year puts PSU in perfect position next year to make a run for the title.
Dark Horse: Iowa (with apologies to my father). I base this on nothing other than a feeling.
It Won't Be: Minnesota. Although Tim Brewster promised the Gopher faithful a national title this year, those of us who are not complete idiots know otherwise!
Big East and Conference USA:
Since nobody cares about these two conferences, even the fans of teams in them, I am going to go ahead and ignore them. This season, I recommend you do the same.
Champion: Troy. They almost beat LSU last year. That's probably enough to win the conference this year.
Dark Horse: See above statement about the Big East and C-USA
Champion: TCU. Last year they were very close to going to the BCS (if they had beat Utah, they would have jumped them and BSU in the rankings, regardless of the Oklahoma loss). This year, they look to continue their amazing run from the 2008 season. Although, with this conference being what it is.....
Dark Horse: Utah. A team that fell so far in the rankings after going undefeated is a team that is going to want to climb back up and prove themselves. Losing their quarterback hurt, but this could be the true test of a non-BCS team. And winning three BCS bowls, despite coming from a non-BCS conference? Yeah, that is enough to provide motivation for any team.
It Won't Be: BYU. They won't beat Oklahoma (it's not a BCS bowl, so Oklahoma should be fine), and they won't beat the two teams mentioned above.
Champions: This part has been edited out due to the massive amounts of profanity it contained. It shattered a computer screen, and made infants in three counties cry. I'll let you guess who I picked.
Dark Horse: La Tech. The only WAC team to win a bowl game last year could surprise some people this year. Of course, the top of the conference being what it is, this is a VERY dark horse.
It Won't Be: Nevada. Since Chris Ault is allergic to winning big games, The Wolf Pack can't do it this year. However, it is the fondest hope of us here at AngryFootballNerd that they beat Notre Dame.
Champion: USC. Call me a homer, call me a wuss for making the safe pick, call me whatever you want (and I'm sure you will). They are going to win the Pac-10. Even with a freshman quarterback. They are also going to beat Ohio State. They are probably going to lose one conference game. They will not go to the BCSCG this year because people love to hate them when they lose a single game (see above regarding 2 loss Florida going over Big 10 teams).
Dark Horse: Cal. Jahvid Best is so damn good, he could literally force the Golden Bears to victory this year.
It Won't Be: Oregon State. Everybody here in Boise is going to pick them to beat USC (which, given the Pac-10 in recent years, is akin to picking them to win the conference). Of course, since the game isn't at OSU, USC is going to run all over them. This won't stop The Statesman and the Arbiter from picking USC to lose every single game remaining on their schedule. And then I challenge more writers for the Statesman to fisticuffs.
Well, there you all have it. Predictions for all the conferences that matter, as well as the WAC. With the start of the season mere days away, I'm sure you are all as excited as me. Actually, that's a lie, nobody is more excited then me.
Updates this season won't come at any specific time, but they will happen before the start of the next weeks games.
As always, comments/questions/hate mail can be sent to email@example.com where it will be either ignored or mocked and shared with others.