Sunday, September 11, 2011

Back from the Dead, it's NCAA Week 2 2011 News and Notes

Hello sportsfans! Welcome back to what is sure to be not a half-assed season of NCAA news, notes, views, and bad language.

Sorry for the unexplained absence at the end of last year, but I had several real life obligations that sadly kept me from bitching on the internet about football nearly as much as I would have liked. Well, to make up for it, have some WORDS!

-So, Wisconsin is probably the most physical team I have ever seen. If they can manage to avoid dropping any of their fairly easy games, this team could play for the title. Certainly, they are the only ones who can prevent themselves from winning the Big Ten.

-Iowa State beat Iowa in a 3OT thriller in Ames for the first time since 2007. 2007's game was notable for being won on the strength of ISU's kicker, as they scored 5 FGs and nothing else to win. I am fairly sure that a team with the quarterback named STEELE JANTZ is going to win the majority of the time, because with a name that Amurican, there is simply no way to lose. Move aside, Ricky Stanzi.

Notable about this game was that the new Cy-Hawk trophy (the previous one that caused the controversy being that abortion of a trophy at the top right of this update) was immediately broken into two pieces. I am being told that it is an interim trophy while the corngrowers of Iowa meet to decide on a new, hopefully football related one. Godspeed, men.

-Idaho managed to play 1 half of competent football, giving hope that maybe, just maybe, when they play top ten ranked Texas A&M next weekend, they can avoid any critical injuries. Winning that game.... no. Just no.

-USCEast beat Georgia in a thriller. It is almost like Georgia is a team that was ranked purely because ESPN wanted them to be so thy could have some interest in their games the first couple weeks of the season. It certainly wasn't on the strength of last season for them (6-7, with a bowl loss to Colorado). Wasn't what they showed in camp, with multiple injuries and coaches getting DUI's. What I am getting at here is that the ALMIGHTY SEC is really just the SEMI-MIGHTY SEC WEST this year, since the cream of the East crop in USC struggled with Georgia, who has a stunningly real chance to not make a bowl game this year. Georgia, remember, you had this game in your hand. Good teams find a way to win. Bad teams find a way to lose. Guess which one you are.

-LSU or Alabama will go undefeated. They have to play each other, which could be the best game ever.

-Notre Dame is 0-2 (no,, not 1-1) after losing to Michigan in the most exciting game I have ever seen on TV. Michigan, down by infinity in the 4th, makes a stunning comeback, only to have ND regain the lead with 30 seconds left. Michigan gets the ball on their own 20, Denard "I should win all the Heismans" Robinson bombs it downfield, they end up near ND's midfield. What happens next? The tying field goal? Brady Hoke's enormous steel testicles say "WE WILL RUN ONE MORE PLAY" with 8 seconds left. Which, if you have turned on anything sports related in the last 16 hours, you saw the result of. Touchdown Wolverines! Also, on the kickoff, with two seconds left, that was totally a fumble on ND's part, that was returned for a touchdown, but who cares?! Notre Dame, who was predicted to have such a "difficult, arduous schedule" by the experts (when in reality it consists of Stanford and a bunch of teams that they SHOULD BE CRUSHING), is actually not all that good! Sadly, if they win out, except for Stanford, they will still get into a BCS bowl/the title game. Because winning a title previously should mean that you get the benefit of the doubt now, right?

-Minnesota's new head coach Jerry Kill, loved by all who don't actually care if their team wins the game so long as they can claim moral victories*, had a seizure on the sidelines near the end of the game. While I am not one to make fun of a very serious situation, that is what you get for losing to New Mexico State at home. New Mexico State being one of two cupcake games for Minny. Good luck against North Dakota State in two weeks!

*Minnesota fan website, The Gopher Hole, might be the biggest repository of racists who don't think they are racist in the world. Threads after Kill's seizure include several gems blasting New Mexico State for their "thuggish attitude", which in reality, is a code word for "them blacks". So, to any Gopher Hole people reading this... Yes, you are that racist. No, nobody is fooled by your "clever" disguises that you use to try to pretend you aren't. For goodness sakes, the majority of your posters want to bench any black players who start for their white backups, because "I just have a feeling Cornbread McAmericanflag (1 for 23, 6 INTS 0TDS last year) is going to be better in the long run than Darkie McDonttrust (25-34, 1 INT 7TDS)".

If you are one of the three sane Gopher Hole posters, this doesn't apply to you.

Angry's Heisman List, as of Week 2:
1. Denard Robinson
3. Les Miles
4. Ndamukong Suh (I AM NOT GIVING UP ON THIS)
5. Coors Light

Angry's List of Things in Football that need to Stop:
1. Commentary teams with Craig James
2. Pat Forde's "Forde Yard Dash" on I hope everybody is excited for a three sentence breakdown of BSU games followed by the word "Bus." Because he's already started that this season! If you want to be taken seriously, at least get a gimmick that doesn't make people who are even fans of the team you are talking about want to stab their eyes out.
3. Updates on Toomer's Corner during Auburn games. I know they are full of tradition and meaning to Auburn fans. They are also, ready for this bombshell? They are also FUCKING TREES. It's bad that a man poisoned them. Maybe we could use this to motivate people to care about the millions of other trees that this happens to?
4. Craig James in general.
5. Rankings of any sort before the season starts.

Well, that's all for this week. Be sure to check back through the season for more "high" "quality" opinions, facts, anecdotes, and toilet humor!

Also, for excellent literary and football analysis, be sure to also check out

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