Wednesday, September 23, 2009

The Fight For Nothing

Alright AngryFootballFans, I'm man enough to know when I'm beaten. Today is one of those times. While normally I would slave away for hours, typing up a post to bring you massive amounts of both truth and comedy, today... I am humbled.

For the first time in the history of AngryFootballNerd, I am running a guest article. None of this update, save this intro, the outro, and a few comments throughout, was penned by me. No, my loyal fans, this was written by the AngryFootballRoommate, Bryan. So, without further wasting of time, I present you with....

The Fight for Nothing

A Journey into College Football Obscurity

The story of one man’s mission to make mid level WAC/MWC football entertaining through booze and sex jokes.

Hello football fans this is Bryan McMartin, Angry Football Nerd’s Roommate and the very first Guest Author on the AFN blog. I was able to become the first ever GAG (Guest Article Guy/Gal) when AFN decided to go with “It’s Official; Notre Dame would make a Decent WAC Team” as his blog title after their week one victory over Nevada, making back to back victories over mid level WAC teams. So I decided that I would chronicle my weekend trip to Fort Collins, Colorado to watch my former roommate and former school the University of Nevada Wolf Pack take on the Colorado State Rams in what I could only describe as, ‘The Fight for Nothing.’

5:45 am: I awake to my cell phone blaring out the Black Eyed Pees ‘Tonight’s Gonna be a Good Night.’ The sun is nearly 2 hours from sniffing the sky and I drag myself out of bed. About a month earlier I had decided that it would be a good idea to make a trip to Fort Collins, CO to watch my old buddy and former roommate Ryan Coulson play some football. Coulson is a 6’3’’ 245 lbs defensive end for the Univ. of Nevada and I hadn’t seen the guy since he came up to McCall in July. So my dad and I decided to couple the Nevada-CSU football game with a Denver Bronco vs Cleveland Brown game on that Sunday. An added bonus was that my sister Kellen was living in Fort Collins, so it made tons of sense at the time to fly out for 2 days, 1 night, and 2 football games. But somehow I found myself questioning the decision to book the 7 am flight out. This hit me while I blindly tried to finagle my pee stream into the toilet with morning wood that rivaled USC’s Jeweled Shillelagh, how am I going to survive this weekend?

6:40 am: My father and I board our United flight to Denver with a bag of McDonalds McGriddles and smiles on our faces. While the 7 am flight always tests your will, man can surely conquer it with a McGriddle on your tray table, seat back in its most downward relaxed position, Entourage (read: nude breasts) on your video ipod, and football/beer in your near future. Like the blazing sun rising over the Rocky Mountains the excitement starts to build for a great weekend.

9:02 am: My father and I exit the plane and head off to pick up our rental car. It was good to spend some time with my old man for a change. Ever since college started, quality time with the Papa bear was sparse, so it was good to pal around with Dr. Dad….plus he was a good designated driver. While at the rental car place he has an exchange with the rental car guy that went something like this:

Rental car nerd: “So we do have a Yukon Denali available, I can book that for you”

Dad: “I’ll just take what’s $37.”

Rental car nerd: “Well the Denali is normally $169, but I can give it to you for $80”

Dad: “The $37 car will be fine.”

Rental car nerd: “I can get you in an F 150 truck that is normally $130 for only $75”

Dad: “Nope, $37 is what I’d like to pay.”

Rental car nerd: “Ok…I’ll just give you the F 150 for $37.”

Dad to me: “I think they only have 2 cars left.”

(Dr. Mike is the man. -AFN)

So Clyde the cross-eyed retard at the Budget counter handed us the keys and we were on our way to Fort Collins.

12 pm (3 hours until kick off): I am always amazed at how pretty of a state Colorado is. It’s turning into a perfect day and I marvel at the mountain ranges and beautiful scenery. The air is crisp and the sky is clear, I stop to soak it all in...then I realize it is nearly noon and I have yet to have a beer, the GAG is sad.

12:01 pm: I crack my first beer. A Dos Equis amber, it’s delicious. I think to myself, what would the Most Interesting Man in the World do at this moment?

12:02 pm: I open my second Dos Equis, it’s what I thought the Most Interesting Man in the World would have done.

We are now at my uncle’s house for our niece’s tenth birthday party. It is now me, my dad, my sister, her boyfriend, his 2 kids, my aunt, uncle, and niece, and their friend Bill. Quite the party, huh? But it ended up being a perfect warm up for the game, because there was good beer and more importantly good food to prepare the stomach for a night of drinking.

But the highlight of the big birthday bash was when it was time to open presents; there was this exchange:

Me: “Hey Kate (the GAG’s niece) this present is from me, it’s a BOP IT. It’s a toy where it tells you what to do. You have to twist it, pull it, or bop it. You get to see how many in a row you can get.”

Kate: “Oh….(looks around uncomfortably waiting for me to stop talking to her)”

Me: “Here I’ll play it” (I play for a few moments, rotating from pulling it, twisting it and bopping it.)

Colin (Bob’s 9 yr old son): “Is that all you can do???”

Me: “Yep, that’s it”

Colin: “What about.... (thinking very hard)..….. suck it?”

Me: (over fits of laughter) “Well it only asks me to twist it, pull it, and bop it. I never thought about sucking it unless it asked.”

(Future AFN contributor? I think so!- AFN)

Could not have been happier. Today is going to be great. Beer’s 3 and 4 go down real smooth.

2:30 PM: We arrive at Colorado State’s field. The parking lot is a gigantic field with no lines or roads, now this is Colorado. We pop the back of the car and I enjoy beers 5 and 6. We are surrounded by CSU fans who are either to nice or too high/drunk to bother us visiting folks. The typical male CSU fan looked like a mix between Willy Nelson and Frodo Baggins with Jimmy Clausen’s hair. Not the most intimidating figure. The female fans were surprisingly attractive and although I had the urge, I refrained from chanting “Show us your pussies! Show us your pussies!” I definitely DID NOT refrain 2 years ago when CSU visited Nevada. I had my head out the window reciting my well constructed chant for the whole ride home that night… with my girlfriend in the same car. We are shockingly no longer together.

(But he still isn't over her! -AFN)

We entered the stadium and I was happy to see 16 oz Coors Lights for sale for $5.50. You’ve got to love college stadiums that actually serve beers. Numbers 7 and 8 go down while we head to our seats. Now it’s time for kick off.

5:00 PM: While I know this is supposed to be a football article, but there was no true football played on that field that day. Nevada was a coat hanger abortion out there and we could barely stand it. All of those BSU fans that were worried about Nevada, don’t be. Kaperenick was the worst player on the field, and that is not an understatement. He struggled to take a snap, he was forcing throws, and he was the main reason Nevada was beaten. But there were some highlights:

Seeing Colorado State’s Mascot’s Balls ( ) Always an unbelievably hilarious sight. While I have seen them many times I can’t get over the pure hilarity. They look like a potato sack covered in shag carpet, swinging from the ram’s hind legs like cuddly chandeliers.

Colorado State’s stadium- half of the field is the student section, and the stands go all the way onto the field. After watching 95% of college football games at Bronco Stadium in Boise or Mackey Stadium in Reno it is easy to forget how great it is not to have a track around the field.

Chris Ault- seeing him upset is one of the better things in the world. I hope Nevada plays LSU so Les Myles can punch his face (b/c Les Myles wants to punch everyone in the face) and see Coach Ault get upset.

5 PM- ????? PM- So save you from more boob/drinking jokes I will just finish with a few extras. I ended up drinking between 15-17 beers on the day, most of them in Bob’s basement while watching the evening football games. Here are some text messages sent from AFN and I:

(G- Bryan, A- AFN)

G- 11 minutes ino the 3rd quarter and 12 beers down. Its gonna be a great guest article.

A- UW beat USC. I called that shit.

G-FOR REAL? what was the score?

A-16-13. Turns out Corp didn't start the season because he is awful.

G- Oh no. F'n Sark. (Side note: Yes, despite the fact that the two of us curse enough to make a sailor blush, he said F'n. Clearly, the alcohol was taking over at this point.

A- Cal is going to crush SC I think.

G- Nevada blows. They stop serving beer at half. Bryan is sad. We suck bad.

A- Today can only be salvaged by a notre dame loss.

A- Which was just fucking made impossible by a ND int.

G- Holy shit. Nevada is getting killed. My buzz is starting to leave me (He was probably lying here. -AFN). What a terrible day of football.


A-Alright, Idaho won, so today is great.

G- Georgia scores in the highest scoring SEC game ever. I tell an old man i personally watched Jimmy Clausen suck a penis. The 17th beer goes smooth. Yes

A- Ty and I (other roommate) are going to sorority row hammered.

G-Where are you? There's one of those in boise?

A- The movie you drunk

G- Ha ha. How am I suppsed to assume that when there is great football on? Sorry. But I'm loving life. I'm about to write the best (First. -AFN) guest article ever! (He sent this text to me again immediately after. -AFN)

A- You'd better. Hey, call Danbar and tell him we need a ride to the movie.

G-Scrtew that. I'll give you his number.

G- And i'm not drunk. I'm awesome. Auburn vs west virginia. So good! Go football! I just knocked out some kids. And I just had sex with some chicks. YA!!

A- You are a fuck.

G- *Phone number deleted due to privacy concerns*

G- Suck it easy April. Listen up you beautiful bitch. Let me fuck you up with some truth. I love you. You should be watching football. Go Broncos/Eagles.

A- That wasn't Danbar you ass, that was someone named Janelle.

G-*Repeat of the previously sent message*

G- Ha ha ha. Whoops. It's *Another phone number gone so I don't get sued*. That's real.

A- We're too late now thanks to you. You ruined Christmas.

G- Oh i'm sorry. Now you get to drink and be awesome. You should just drive drunk. (Don't ever do this. - AFN) Football is great. Bud light better. I'm gonna french Shannon Sharpe.

A- I can't argue with that.

I’ve attached a video to Alex of me flattening young children with a giant bouncy ball. I thought it was a good idea at the time. (Yeah, at no point did I ever receive said video. Damn that devil drink! -AFN)

I drove past a grocery store that was familiar from when my old gf went to CSU, I comment, “I’ve bought condoms there before.” My father’s love for me drops just a bit.

We drive past another grocery store and my sister asks, “Did you buy condoms there too?” “No,” I answer, “I think I bought a pregnancy test there……It was negative…..(I fart)..Oops.” Classic me.

I was awkwardly entertained by the Georgia-South Carolina game. Who knew those two would score points? I curse a couple of times awkwardly with kids and a bunch of people I’ve never met around.

The next day the Denver Broncos blow out the Cleveland Browns. Shannon Sharpe parachutes out of a plane and into Mile High Stadium for his Ring of Fame induction. As corny as that sounds it was actually one of the more exciting things I’ve ever seen. It reminded me of the Chick-fil-a commercial where the cows parachute into the stadium except instead of a cow it was a horse, er Shannon Sharpe.

All in all it was a great weekend, and a totally worthless college football game. Now I need to think of a great title for this weekends games so I can write another guest article about 2 weeks from now when I head to the Biggest Little City in the World for the Biggest Little Battle for Nothing the Nevada v. UNLV version. Until then, I’m the man with the ball. I’m the one who can throw it faster than fuck. That is why I am better than everyone in the world. So kiss my ass and suck my dick everyone.


And there you have the first ever guest article.

We will be back next week with a regular style update. Hopefully, there will be some better games, because what the hell was I going to talk about this time anyway? USC's annual collapse against a team they should cream? Minnesota not being that good as it turns out? Nebraska losing to VT in the most boring game ever played? I work with what they give me people.

Oh, and to answer last week's "Trivia" question:

The spelling of Weis as Wise started last spring at BSU. A female sportswriter wrote an article with the title being something like "10 bits of advice for Notre Dame." The article, which was more condescending than anything I have ever read, was a letter to ND's head coach, basically lambasting him for all his faults both real (poor team discipline) and perceived (profanity filled outbursts at the media). The kicker? She misspelled Weis as Wise every single time throughout the article. This prompted another awesome article from the head of the student newspaper's sports section, where he decried everyone criticizing her as sexist. Not mentioned once? The fact that in an article that haughty, she got the most basic fact wrong.

Until next week!


  1. Sorry that the article got a little clustered and random. I got bored writing. Suprisingly i don't think there is a future for me. But i had fun writing the bits i did. Go Football.

    -Bryan (Guest Article Guy)

  2. I loved every word of it!! I am going to become a regular reader.