Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Riverglen Jr High def. University of Colorado 49-7, It's NCAA Week 2 news and notes

Welcome back readers! Sorry for the delay, a wonderful bout with the flu (regular, not the Charlie Weis variety) kept me sidelined for a few days. Speaking of swine flu, did you know that you are far more likely to be killed from either A) the regular flu or B) me after you make a swine flu joke to me than the swine flu? The more you know! Anyway, this is going to be a fairly brief one, as not a ton of note happened over week 2.

-Colorado could be defeated by many high schools throughout the nation, and some junior highs. I mean really, losing to Toledo that badly? If you didn't watch it, don't let the score of 54-38 fool you, as most of the Buffs points came in garbage time (in this game, the entire second half). Including a lovely touchdown run from Cody Hawkins that saw him receive a concussion due to leading with his helmet, and of course his father still playing him with 2 minutes to go in the game. The best part of the game? Either the announcers saying that it is the hardest pass to catch when you have an open field in front of you (Cody managed to overthrow his receiver a few yards as they were saying this; on Toledo's next possession, the same play resulted in a touchdown), or saying that Hawkins Sr. doesn't need to worry about his job security right as his bad QB of a son throws a pick. He could have the biggest buyout in the world, and I would still think he'll be gone before next season. Anyway, look forward to the much anticipated pillow fight that will be the Colorado-Iowa State game, as it should surely set a record for number of fan suicides during a game, as well as loudest nationwide groan.

-Michigan State lost to Central Michigan (my MAC team of choice) after a failed 2 pt. conversion from CMU led to the most stunningly beautiful onside kick I have ever seen, which resulted in CMU winning the game. This does not bode well for the Big Ten this year.

-UCLA beat Tennessee at Tennessee. This is hilarious because Lane Kiffin is an idiot and an ass, and the only time I will cheer for Florida this season is this weekend when the two teams meet. For those who don't know, Kiffin accussed Florida head coach Urban Meyer of violating recruiting rules when he contacted a recruit who was visiting Tennessee. The problem? It wasn't a violation. Oops. Look for a final score of (infinity sign) to negative 7. That's right, the Vols will somehow find a way to score negative points. Probably off a Crompton interception.

-For you, Mom: Click Me with your Volume up!

-So, Michigan beat Notre Dame. This was awesome, as it is pretty much directly a result of Charlie Wise's poor playcalling (hmmmm, need to preserve the lead with a couple minutes left? I'D BETTER PASS THAT BALL OR I MIGHT NOT GET MY HAM!!!!!). Of course, to hear Notre Dame fans tell it, they lost because the refs took away a touchdown earlier in the game (video evidence shows that Allen was OB on the TD run). So, here, I'm going to offer Wise some free advice: If you are really as good as you think you are, one bad call shouldn't matter. This is why I hate it when people bitch about refs costing them a game. Feel free to piss and moan about bad calls during the game all you want (I do). But the second that clock reads 00:00, the only reason your team lost is because you got outplayed. This is true in 99% of games. The other 1% of games are officiated by Pac-10 refs. Also, if this is called during a game, you are, in fact, never allowed to bitch about officiating in that game, because that is awesome. Oh, and regarding Wise's sending of a multitude of calls to Big Ten HQ to be reviewed: The name of his book, written by himself, is No Excuses.

-My life has been a lot happier without the Idaho Statesman in it. For example, I haven't had to read about how BSU was the underdog in some obscure way against Miami of Ohio, or read the glowing description of their victory. I recommend everyone try eliminating that "news"paper from their diet, and replacing all your needs for news with asking me.

-Finally, the Hootenanny in the Horseshoe: USC-tOSU. This was, honestly, a nailbiter. It came down to the last drive of both teams, with true freshman QB Matt Barkley leading his team to a last minute go-ahead TD (aided by tOSU head coach Jim Tressel's sweatervest making some questionable decisions with the ball). Thankfully (especially for my liver), the Trojans pulled out the win. Oh, and for fun: Name 3 players for Ohio State that aren't Terrelle Pryor. Go ahead, I'll wait (no cheating allowed, Mr. I'!).

Didn't think so. Thanks Herbstreit and Musberger! Way to enlighten us all with your awesome commentary, and.... oh Kirk, I can't stay mad at you. Not with those dreamy eyes...

-Regarding USC, they played exactly like they are: a team that lost a lot of talent but still has a lot, and a team with a 19 year old Quarterback.

-Now, a lot of people have been bitching that Barkley did nothing but hand off the ball to Joe McKnight on that drive. These people (predominately Florida fans) have been saying that "Any idiot can do that." So, here's my proposal: Walk on at a BCS school and become the starting QB. Also, you must do this within 6 months of coming to the school. Then, in your second game, in front of 100k hostile fans, successfully lead your team to a come-from-behind victory in the last 5 minutes of the game. If you do all that, congratulations! You've proved that any idiot can do that!

Cheers of the Week: USC, Michigan football (we missed you)

Jeers of the Week: Notre Dame head coach Charlie Wise, Jimmy Clausen and his punchable face, Terrelle Pryor

Coming at you next week we should have a guest article, plus more of the usual updates full of the stirring quality you've come to expect from this blog. Until then!

BONUS CONTEST: This week I purposely spelled ND head coach Charlie Weis's name as Wise. If you can tell me why I did this (yes, there is an actual answer), you will receive a prize. Answers should be e-mailed to to be considered. Oh, and it is based on an actual event, nothing to do with my personal feelings. Good Luck!

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