Hello football fans, and welcome to a different kind of update! Oh no, this isn't replacing my usual weekly discussion of the previous weeks games (although, due to real-life occurances, this will be pushed back to Thursday this week).
No, instead, I bring you this. Last week, the GAG (one-time blog contributor Bryan McMartin, also the AngryFootballRoommate) and I were discussing what certain football coaches would be like to party with. We had a good laugh, and then I thought to myself, "Hey self, why don't you share this with your adoring fans? They'd probably appreciate it, and it beats a 6th consecutive hour of studying for your math test!"
So, you are throwing a party, and you have a cell phone containing the phone numbers of all FBS coaches. Thanks to this helpful guide to the coaches, you can make the decisions that must be made. Who will you put on the guest list? Who gets the boot if they show up? You decide!
-Pete Carroll: He's the guy that spends all week hyping up your party to everyone he knows. When the party starts, he is late. You get annoyed with him, only to realize he was late because he was bringing 20 of the most attractive people of your preferred gender with him. Somebody has to pick them all up. He's also the first one over the next morning to help you clean the place up.
-Bob Stoops: He says that he'll be in charge of getting the beer. All week long, he sends you descriptions (with pictures!) of all the different types he is going to get in huge amounts. Then the party rolls around, and he has a six pack of Natty Light.
-Bobby Bowden- He shows up first, but eventually, you ask him to leave "for the good of the party." Three people are pissed at you for asking him to leave when "He's the whole reason we have a party in the first place!" And everyone else wants him gone. He refuses to leave, saying he will when he's damn good and ready.
-Les Miles: He's kind of awkward, so he plays it off by being a jackass to everyone. Arm punches, sarcasm, the works. But it's only because he doesn't really know how to fit in.
-Urban Meyer: He spends the week telling you that your party is the only one he wants to go to. Twenty minutes in, he gets a call from another friend at a different party, and immediately leaves.
-Steve Sarkisian: He's just so damn happy to be at your party.
-Lane Kiffin: He's the loud mouth who eventually gets the cops called on your party. Turns out, he shouldn't have been yelling at the old couple across the street for no reason.
-Robb Akey: In addition to coming through when Stoops forgets the beer, he is also the party machine. Brings great music, has some great jokes for everybody, the works. He also outdrinks everyone else by a factor of ten.
-Chris Peterson: Doesn't say much, or really do a whole lot. The next day, he talks about how happy he is that everyone had a good time, and you know he's being genuine about it.
-Joe Paterno: Tells a bunch of really old hilarious stories, but has to be in bed by 10. The party starts at 11.
-Chris Ault: Calls time out three times in the first quarter and then... Oh, right, party... Uhhhhhhhhh.... He sucks, don't invite him.
So, AngryFootballReaders, here we have a list of some of the biggest (and other) names in coaching! Who would you invite to your party? Or, who did I leave out? Send an e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org and if any responses are received, they will be run at a later date! Until later this week!