Friday, October 16, 2009

More Coaches to Possibly Party With

Alright football fans, first, let me apologize. I didn't have an update for last week's games, and that is all on me. I got distracted with real life issues, and basically just forgot to do it. To make it up to you, I am planning on LiveBlogging Week 7's games! Stay on this website for up to the minute updates on what I think, as well as an insight into just how much I can drink by myself before being guilted by my own conscience into stopping (Happy Birthday Mom!).

Anyway, since I asked for suggestions on more coaches, you wonderful folks have been pouring in ideas. I thought I would share some of the better ones with you.

Dennis Erickson:
He spends the three months before your party claiming that he can help your "weak" party be the best party ever. You are really excited because he is, after all, Dennis Erickson. You trusted him once before and he drilled you in the ass, but this time things seem better. Instead, he brings a bunch of ex-convicts and lousy hookers to your party and makes it worse. He gets too drunk, blacks out, and gets raped by the ex-convicts. The hookers drink all your beer and don't put out. Erickson wakes up in Tempe, Arizona, and promptly ruins their party too.

Nick Saban:
I initially tried to be creative with some comparison between Jesus and Peter. Peter betraying Jesus three times. Similar to Saban's betrayal of Louisiana, Miami, and inevitably Alabama. Instead I will keep it very simple.
Anyone who wears a hat like his straw sombrero while on the sidelines of a division one football game is automatically a dick. On second thought, just don't invite him.

Those two are courtesy of an anonymous reader. The next ones are courtesy of my very own AngryFootballBrother, who when he reads this needs to get off his ass and write that guest article I told him I wanted.

Rick Neuheisel: After talking big all night and making a few bets about how he's going to get the number of the hottie dancing in the corner, he makes a few ineffectual and half-assed attempts to pick her up. She quickly loses interest and is later seen leaving the party with Pete Carroll.

Jeff Tedford: Makes a huge attention-grabbing entrance, does a couple keg stands, kicks ass in a few games of beer pong (the REAL kind, with paddles, not that pussy Beirut nonsense), and is generally the toast of the party for the first hour or so. Later, when it's his turn to play pong against some solid opponents, he's found passed out naked in the corner of the yard, covered in his own vomit. You leave him there, as no one wants to touch him.

Mike Locksley (New Mexico): In addition to arriving with Tom Cable, who's like the creepy college guy at a high school party, Locksley shows up already drunk and takes every drinking game way too seriously. Eventually he and Cable start fighting anyone and everyone on the front lawn, until you remind them that they have one win between them and they are laughed off your property.

Dan Hawkins: Leaves your party halfway through to go to some douchey downtown club. When the bouncers won't let him in because he brought along a minor (his son), he comes crawling back, begging you to let him back in. Unfortunately, you are at capacity, and he's last seen screaming at his son as he forces him to do wind sprints down the middle of the street. (AFN Note: And then Cody tries to escape the state in a weather balloon)

Finally, we have one that is an amalgamation of the thoughts of the GAG, myself, and the AngryFootballMother.

Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino: They both hover around the buffet table. You pay them no mind really, figuring that they are harmless. But, after a couple hours, you hear a scuffle. Charlie is being a huge asshole to not only Mark, but also anybody nearby who passes within a chubby arm's length. Eventually, you gather a big group of the other coaches and literally roll Weis out of the party. Mangino gets to stay, because really, what bad can you say about the guy?

Welp, see you all in 11 hours for the LiveBlog!

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