HOLY CRAP THIS UPDATE IS HUGE!

Welcome to another edition of the week in football. I’m veering away from talking about each individual game at this point. Mostly because it’s getting difficult to be funny about things like Minnesota beating Michigan State. Also because I a have a lot I want to talk about this week. Let’s get it started. Oh, and to keep you enticed and reading, I have a HUGE announcement at the end.

On USC’s loss to Oregon

I’m sure many of you are expecting me to flip out in anger over the shellacking that the Ducks gave the Trojans. Well, prepare for disappointment! As frequently happens in football, the better team won. The Ducks, if it wasn’t for their first three games and how they played in them, would be sitting comfortably at number 2 or 3 (since #1 is reserved for an SEC team). USC lost a hell of a lot of talent to the draft last year, and is currently starting a true freshman quarterback. So yeah, they have to rebuild just like everybody else does. Anyway, look for Oregon to dominate the Big 10 champ in the Rose Bowl this year, and a much better game with a less predictable ending from USC in whatever BCS bowl takes them at-large (assuming they don’t get popped by Arizona, which they had better not as I will be there in person).

On Iowa’s Inexplicable Ability to Win Games

See, this is why even if they win out (no promise there), they won’t be in the Championship. Playing exceptionally well for one quarter does not make up for playing one of the most pathetic games of football ever seen for three quarters. Plus, needing the refs to take away a legit touchdown by the other team to sap their momentum? Yeah, the Hawkeyes deserved to lose that game, and it is only by virtue of the terrible reffing this year and some flat out LUCK that they are undefeated.

Let’s Talk Boise State, local media!

Ahhhhh, here’s where it gets fun. First off, let me start by saying that crushing two Bottom 10 teams (Hawaii and SJSU) does not suddenly mean that you are an incredibly impressive team and everyone should forget about the struggles with Tulsa (who has since gone on to prove that they are also remarkably poor) and UC Davis.

Secondly, please stop pretending that the Oregon game was the most impressive game of the season (nationally). I mean, for one thing, the team that was both higher ranked and favored won, sapping it of all drama (save the Blount Force Trauma at the end). Also, I don’t know if I am the only one who remembers it, but BOTH teams looked like dogshit for large parts of that game; BSU just looked less like dogshit.

Related to that point is the following: Oregon is going to pass you in the rankings. Face it. That is part of having a weak conference (pause here for insults to U of I, who at 7-2 have done their part to improve the WAC), and outside of Oregon, a downright pathetic Out of Conference (Pause here for “Idaho couldn’t beat X team!”). Because like it or not, the polls are a “What have you done for me lately?” situation. And a win by 11 points in week 1 looks pretty weak next to beating multiple top 25 teams, including handing the 5^th ranked team in the nation (and, let’s be honest, probably 5^th ranked team of this decade) their worst loss since 2001.

And in regards to bitching about the rankings: All credit to Coach Pete and the players in this matter, because they are doing the sensible thing. But quit saying “All BSU needs is for TCU to lose!” That leaves out one important fact: THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FOOTBALL SEASON! Ask USC what happens when you look past a team. Ask Oklahoma. Ask Michigan. Ask Florida. But just in case their lines are busy, I’ll give you the answer. When you look past games, and act as if they are already over two weeks before they are played, you lose games.

Finally, and this one goes almost entirely to local commercials and Channel 7, but at this point, it is officially PATHETIC to be showing highlights from the Fiesta Bowl. Run the damn two-point conversion in the season opening montage. That’s great, an awesome way to get people fired up. Run it again at any point in the season, or talk about it as if it still has any relevance in the slightest, and you are going to start reminding people that the Fiesta Bowl was 3 seasons ago, and BSU hasn’t seen any bowl success since then.

NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND! This is why I’ve been updating the blog later in the week this season; it allows for more delightful news to come out. The Idaho Statesman is running a story in which Karl Benson is claiming that no team will fill a hole in BSU’s 2011 schedule for an away game. Now, this has no impact at all on anything at this point. I mostly wanted to use this as an opportunity to rag on Karl “I wear short sleeve t-shirts in commercials” Benson*. But until you release the names of the schools that have been contacted and refused (which, at this time, all that has been mentioned is several teams have refused, which in the mind of everyone who posts at the Statesmans website means Florida, USC, Texas, and other perennial top ten teams), this is nothing more than a sadly probably successful attempt to rile up a fanbase that is already pissed about everything.

Coach Robb Akey, Coach of the Year

Obviously, I don’t expect all of you to agree with me on this. Of course everyone is going to vote for his or her teams coach. But I am here to tell you why you should, if you actually grasp the concept of the award, vote for Robb Akey over Meyer/Richt/Paterno/Tressell/Carroll.

Look at Idaho last year. 2-10 with wins over Idaho State and New Mexico State. Terrible by any standard except “Who beat a bad FCS school and a bad FBS school” which I just made up and I doubt is a standard at all.

Now, look at Idaho this year. 7-2 so far, undefeated at home, 3-1 in non-conference play (which by the stupid as hell “chain of defeats” standard means that they beat Ohio State). Losses are to Washington (a game in which they looked much better than USC, who also lost to Washington) and Nevada (in a game that can only be described as a total lack of defense from either team).

The two teams consist of many of the same players from year bad to year good. The difference here is that they finally have a coach that has both stuck around longer than two years (Piss off Holt and Erickson), not recruited thugs (FUCK OFF ERICKSON), and has yet to be accused of breaking any jaws or beating any ex-wives/girlfriends (Side note: does anybody actually believe that Tom Cable didn’t commit these crimes? Because if so, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you). Akey has convinced a team that everyone had given up on (including themselves) that they can win games. And they are doing it.

Sure, it’s easy to be successful when you have a quarterback who has been literally compared to Jesus Christ, or can recruit from any state in the country, or play a schedule consisting of one game and 11 scrimmages (in which you still manage to lose at least 2 of those games per year). To be successful with what you have, when you have it? To turn a team around from one that is a mainstay on espn’s Bottom 10 into a team receiving votes in the major polls? To take a team ranked 119 out of 120 into a team currently ranked 34 in the BCS?

That takes Coach of the Year.

A brief Interlude:

Go ahead and read this link while you recover from my truth bombs, because more are on the way.

Click me for comedy!

Wasn’t that great? My favorite was the one at the end. Anyway, on to the vitriolic hatred that keeps you coming back here, week in week out!

URBAN MEYER IS A SCUMMY PIECE OF SHIT AND A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING; ALSO THE SEC IN GENERAL CAN GO TO HELL

Before I start, you have to watch this video. I’m sure many of you have already seen it, but still, you need to know the context in which I am ranting.

Click this to get pissed!

Now that you have watched that video, let me explain the aftermath.

Urban Meyer, Flordia’s Tebow ballwiper and resident King of the Douches, has suspended Brandon Spikes for this attempt at CRIPPLING A PERSON FOR LIFE.

For the first half of Florida’s game against Vanderbilt.

Please note: Spikes has since suspended himself for the entire game, showing that at least he gets it. Also, the Georgia player who was nearly blind in one eye after Spikes was through with him has since said that he shouldn’t be punished. Which of course a player is going to say. He’s not going to come out bitching “They should suspend him for what he did to me!” Anyway, since Spikes is apparently the only person involved with Florida to have a god damned ounce of dignity, he will be spared my wrath this article.

With his attempted punishment, Urban Meyer just took a big fat dump on you. He pulled his pants down and dropped the kids off at the pool of the collective college football fans of America. He pinched a loaf off in the face of the SEC and the NCAA. And when he was done, he wiped his ass with your tie/skirt, and you smiled and took it.

WHERE IS THE FUCKING OUTRAGE ABOUT THIS? Urban Meyer said, essentially, “I don’t give a flying fuck if one of my (not right now) players LITERALLY ATTEMPTS TO RUIN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE ELSE. I will not hurt our chances of another national championship (Stop that!) for anything. We are above (I told you no!) the SEC, as we have proven in the past (get your hands off of that!). None of you puny (Timmy, at least wait until the conference is done before you take my pants off!) asswipes can stop us!”

And the SEC? “We accept Coach Meyer’s punishment, as we “did not notice” the blatantly obvious personal foul that would be an automatic ejection and suspension if it were committed by, say, any other team in the nation. Seriously, we want Florida to win out. And if we have any say in it, they will! GO GATORS!”

“But Angry! Shit like that happens in piles all the time! You can’t punish someone when they get caught! What about all the times he didn’t do that, and all the people who got away with it?” Ok, here is my response to that: Theft happens all the time. You can’t punish someone when they get caught. What about all the days they didn’t steal from someone? And what about the people who get away with it?

Again, let me give a (very small) amount of credit to Brandon Spikes for taking himself out of the game this weekend. That credit is rescinded, by the way, should he suit up for any reason. Which, given Coach Shitheel’s current thought processes, will happen if Florida should somehow find themselves struggling against the Commodores.

A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT

Well, this is something that has been stirring for me all season. I was going to wait until the BCS games were announced, but I can’t wait any longer.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Florida has officially pushed BSU out of my number one most hated team spot.

I know some of you are curious, but let me assure you, BSU is still 120/121 (the extra team is some hypothetical team consisting of Jimmy Clausen, Tim Tebow, Golden Tate and Satan, sitting at 119) on the list of teams that I would cheer for. But I have grown accustomed to them.

What I cannot stand for one minute more is the media fawning over the Gators. Talking about Tebow for Heisman. Outright saying that they will be in the BCS National Championship game (who can remember what I said about looking past teams; also Florida doesn’t have a coach like Chris Peterson who can tell them to shut the fuck up). During games, not even mentioning anything the other team does unless it allows an opportunity to talk about Florida (See you in hell Verne Lundquist!).

Yes, it’s true. I hate them worse than the most hated team of my first 23 years on this planet.

I’m sorry to the many of you who are disappointed in this news.

Angry’s Heisman Ballot, were he lucky enough to actually vote

1.

2.

3.

4.

5.

(See, the joke is that nobody in college football deserves it this year)

Anyway, that wraps it up for this week. Next week, barring some huge news, the funny should come back in massive? quantities.

*Seriously Karl, you wore a red t-shirt in the WACs commercial. This is how you present the Western Athletic conference, from BSU to NMSU, to the nation. In the much-maligned Big 10 conference, their commercial features all of the coaches in suits. You couldn't even put a decent collared shirt on, and you wonder why nobody respects the WAC?