So, in the vein of this most glorious of holidays, I thought I would make today's update a list of things I am thankful for.
-First off, I am thankful for local Boise band Nude Oil. If you haven't checked these guys out, you need to (they have both Facebook and mySpace pages, so no excuses). They rock, and were awesome enough last night to plug the blog during their setlist at a Battle of the Bands, so I am returning the favor. But yeah, these guys rock.
-I am thankful for the constant hubris of Boise State Athletic Director Gene "Business Sense" Bleymeier, that leads to them wanting to be paid cupcake school money to play a big boy school, and then bitching when schools turn them down. What a marvelous way to get out of playing games against good opponents, while still getting to play the "poor widdle us" card. Not to mention depriving the nation of what would more than likely be a great game of football. Is there anybody out there who wouldn't love to see, say... BSU vs. Oklahoma rematch? I'm salivating at the mere thought of it. Side note: after the 2006 season, the Oklahoma AD went on a local radio show saying that a mid-major school, ONE THAT OU HAD REASON TO WANT TO PLAY, turned down a home and home with them. Bravo, Bleymeier, for valuing your whiny beyotch attitude more than a great fucking game of football.
-I am equally thankful for the outside of Bronco Stadium, featuring a picture of Chris Petersen holding up the Fiesta Bowl trophy underneath the word "Tradition." 1-5 in bowl does not a tradition make.
-I am thankful that Idaho, a team that was supposed to go 1-11 (sorry San Diego State, you are apparently the worst team in the nation!), is 7-4 right now with one game left (plus a bowl game). I'll take 8-4, 8-5, 7-5, or 7-6 right now. Any finish above .500 is amazing, considering what Robb Akey has had to work with.
-I am thankful that nobody likes Florida. Seriously, it gives me a warm fuzzy feeling to know that outside of CBS announce teams, everybody in the nation is cheering for the Gators to lose.
-Related, I am NOT thankful that Urban Meyer cried when talking about Tebow being gone after this season. At this point, would anybody be surprised in the least if it came out that the two of them had a sexual relationship? I mean it not as an insult, just as a statement of how blindingly obvious it is that these two are dating.
-I am thankful that Jimmy Clausen got punched in the face. Also, sources at ND (several students) have come out saying that the official story (Clausen went back into a restaurant to get his girlfriend's purse, got sucker-punched) is, oddly enough, bullshit. According to several eyewitnesses, Clausen was drunk and mouthy, and took exception to a sarcastic "Nice game" from someone leaving the bar that they were at. When he went up to the guy and started getting in his face, he got deservedly decked. Thereby making that man my 2009 College Football Season Hero.
-Finally, I am thankful that even in a down year, USC is still a better team than the Big Ten champion. And again, people think the PAC-10 is weak why exactly?
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Ohio State Loses Rose Bowl, Winner To Be Decided Later
Hello football fans, and welcome to another exciting edition of AngryFootballNerd. Somewhat of a brief update this week, as I'm busy working on something to run before bowl season. A little project I'm calling "The Dumbest Moments This Season." Before you groan, let me tell you that in my humble but accurate opinion, this shit is funny. Anyway, here's this weeks round-up of games.
-So, Stanford devastated USC. This was a surprise to the people who made the 34.5 point spread in USC's favor, and almost nobody else. A surging Stanford team against a USC team that could only win the Big 10 this year (ZING!)? Not exactly the hardest game to call.
-Of course, don't tell that to SEC fans. See, USC losing isn't because Stanford is a good team. No, it is actually a function of USC being "terrible" and all the rest of the PAC-10 being a "pathetic conference that couldn't hold a candle to any team in the SEC." This is why the South is an intellectual wasteland, people.
-So, here comes some brief coverage of the U of I-BSU game, which I am mostly using a segue into my next segment. BSU won, again, to the surprise of nobody. Just a couple of things on that: 1) If you are giving up 578 yards to Idaho, you could be royally... what is the word I'm looking for..... oh yes, royally fucked when playing Nevada; 2) That was totally a block in the back on the kick-off return TD, but it's not like getting that call right would have changed the outcome; 3) Again, while the final outcome probably wouldn't have been any different, if Enderle had been at QB, chances are the turnover count would not have been at 7 for Idaho.
-Alright, on to the fun! So, the reason that I talked about that game was to talk about Tim Woodward's "article" about tailgating and who has "better" fans (better in this case meaning not giving shit to the other team). This was spurred after the basketball game between the two up in Moscow last year, where U of I students *GASP* yelled mean things to BSU players and flipped the Bird, which is by far the most offensive thing that you can possibly do to an opponent (not saying it was right, just that things don't need to be blown out of proportion). So, his brilliant solution was to go to a U of I tailgate, wearing U of I things, and see how he would be treated. Ignoring the fact that if you are in a tailgate, you are fairly safe (strength in numbers, that whole thing), let me just boil the article down for you: "So, when it comes down to it, both teams have drunk, obnoxious fans. But I'm going to ignore the Boise State ones, because that would make my article pointless (AFN Note: As if it wasn't already?). U of I fans are doo-doo heads, and my wife saw one of them wear an insulting shirt. All the BSU fans I saw were exemplars of class. Why, I even saw one heal the broken leg of a poor Vandal, only to be rewarded with bile spit from the heathens stomach at him." Ok, I may have taken a few creative liberties with that, as everyone knows it is impossible to heal a broken leg. But the gist of the article is there.
I'm going to share a little story here. While I've never been a BSU fan, it has only been recently that I have become so vehemently against them. Here, I am going to tell you why.
During the 2006 season, BSU came up to Moscow to play. This was a good game (26-28 with 5 minutes left, so anytime after the game my BSU friends would tell me that they never doubted the outcome, I was able to accurately point out they were full of shit), that has the distinction of being marred by one horrid incident.
You see, before the game, I was chatting with a friend of mine that had recently graduated. She was in town for the game, and we were having a wonderful conversation about our lives in the time that we hadn't seen each other.
And then, a BSU fan approached us. And let loose with this little gem:
"Hey bitch, after the game, I'm going to rape you, just like the Broncos will rape your shitty team!"
So, any time a BSU fan tries to talk to me about class, you'll forgive me if it falls on deaf ears.
-Since I can't end on a downer like that... This week's title was inspired by Ohio State beating Iowa to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl. Their competitor has yet to be decided, as the PAthetiC-10 champion is not yet decided.
Anyway, tune in next week, as I will have a report on a weekend of games of very little importance, save for a few PAC-10 conference games.
-So, Stanford devastated USC. This was a surprise to the people who made the 34.5 point spread in USC's favor, and almost nobody else. A surging Stanford team against a USC team that could only win the Big 10 this year (ZING!)? Not exactly the hardest game to call.
-Of course, don't tell that to SEC fans. See, USC losing isn't because Stanford is a good team. No, it is actually a function of USC being "terrible" and all the rest of the PAC-10 being a "pathetic conference that couldn't hold a candle to any team in the SEC." This is why the South is an intellectual wasteland, people.
-So, here comes some brief coverage of the U of I-BSU game, which I am mostly using a segue into my next segment. BSU won, again, to the surprise of nobody. Just a couple of things on that: 1) If you are giving up 578 yards to Idaho, you could be royally... what is the word I'm looking for..... oh yes, royally fucked when playing Nevada; 2) That was totally a block in the back on the kick-off return TD, but it's not like getting that call right would have changed the outcome; 3) Again, while the final outcome probably wouldn't have been any different, if Enderle had been at QB, chances are the turnover count would not have been at 7 for Idaho.
-Alright, on to the fun! So, the reason that I talked about that game was to talk about Tim Woodward's "article" about tailgating and who has "better" fans (better in this case meaning not giving shit to the other team). This was spurred after the basketball game between the two up in Moscow last year, where U of I students *GASP* yelled mean things to BSU players and flipped the Bird, which is by far the most offensive thing that you can possibly do to an opponent (not saying it was right, just that things don't need to be blown out of proportion). So, his brilliant solution was to go to a U of I tailgate, wearing U of I things, and see how he would be treated. Ignoring the fact that if you are in a tailgate, you are fairly safe (strength in numbers, that whole thing), let me just boil the article down for you: "So, when it comes down to it, both teams have drunk, obnoxious fans. But I'm going to ignore the Boise State ones, because that would make my article pointless (AFN Note: As if it wasn't already?). U of I fans are doo-doo heads, and my wife saw one of them wear an insulting shirt. All the BSU fans I saw were exemplars of class. Why, I even saw one heal the broken leg of a poor Vandal, only to be rewarded with bile spit from the heathens stomach at him." Ok, I may have taken a few creative liberties with that, as everyone knows it is impossible to heal a broken leg. But the gist of the article is there.
I'm going to share a little story here. While I've never been a BSU fan, it has only been recently that I have become so vehemently against them. Here, I am going to tell you why.
During the 2006 season, BSU came up to Moscow to play. This was a good game (26-28 with 5 minutes left, so anytime after the game my BSU friends would tell me that they never doubted the outcome, I was able to accurately point out they were full of shit), that has the distinction of being marred by one horrid incident.
You see, before the game, I was chatting with a friend of mine that had recently graduated. She was in town for the game, and we were having a wonderful conversation about our lives in the time that we hadn't seen each other.
And then, a BSU fan approached us. And let loose with this little gem:
"Hey bitch, after the game, I'm going to rape you, just like the Broncos will rape your shitty team!"
So, any time a BSU fan tries to talk to me about class, you'll forgive me if it falls on deaf ears.
-Since I can't end on a downer like that... This week's title was inspired by Ohio State beating Iowa to secure a trip to the Rose Bowl. Their competitor has yet to be decided, as the PAthetiC-10 champion is not yet decided.
Anyway, tune in next week, as I will have a report on a weekend of games of very little importance, save for a few PAC-10 conference games.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
An Emergency Blog Update!
NEWSFLASH!
According to some dumbass Boise State blogger, Boise State (along with Nevada and Fresno State, but they don't count) has been invited to join the Mountain West!
His evidence for stating this?
Because BSU has calmed down about trying to join it, that must mean that the conference has secretly invited them to join!
But it goes deeper than that!
You see, the United States Congress has secretly forced the BCS to accept the new MWC.
And all of this happened without us knowing. Just think of how amazing this is.
1. BSU, UNR, and FS have joined the MWC.
2. The MWC has joined the BCS.
3. The United States Congress forced this to happen.
4. This all happened without a single person in America knowing about it!
Sometime soon, I hope you will sit down and realize that, even if you disagree with me, I am at least a sane person.
According to some dumbass Boise State blogger, Boise State (along with Nevada and Fresno State, but they don't count) has been invited to join the Mountain West!
His evidence for stating this?
Because BSU has calmed down about trying to join it, that must mean that the conference has secretly invited them to join!
But it goes deeper than that!
You see, the United States Congress has secretly forced the BCS to accept the new MWC.
And all of this happened without us knowing. Just think of how amazing this is.
1. BSU, UNR, and FS have joined the MWC.
2. The MWC has joined the BCS.
3. The United States Congress forced this to happen.
4. This all happened without a single person in America knowing about it!
Sometime soon, I hope you will sit down and realize that, even if you disagree with me, I am at least a sane person.
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
NCAA News and Notes Update: The Notre Dame lost to Navy edition
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Here is another awesome update from me, the one and only AngryFootballNerd! Have some fun stuff this week, and even a visit from a “celebrity” (boy am I stretching the definition of the word, as you will see when I reveal who it is). Also, a bit of talk about BSU’s scheduling woes, and of course, some of the usual hatred that you have come to expect. So, without wasting time, let’s get this started.
(PS: While reading, why not grab a delicious Natural Light beer, the official beverage of the AngryFootballNerd, ever since I realized that I hate PBR)
Oregon v. Stanford
Oh come on, who didn’t see this coming? I mean really, of course Oregon was going to drop this game. They just had the biggest win in recent history, anybody with half a brain will tell you that that is a recipe for dropping your next game. Anyway, the Ducks are still in position to win the PAC-10, provided they get past Arizona and Oregon State, which is definitely not a sure bet.
Iowa isn’t Legit
Not even a little bit, as it turns out. Let’s all give a big hand to Northwestern for sparing us the horrors of a Big-10 team in the BCSNC getting devastated.
Notre Dame is terrible
Ok, after the second loss in 3 years to Navy (both of them at home, in sight of Touchdown Jesus), why in the hell is Big Fat Charlie still a head coach? Seriously, Ty Willingham had better records than BFC has had, and they tossed his ass out for unacceptable levels of losing.
Oh, right. Willingham was black. Welp, mystery solved!
Seriously, at this point, looking at their records, and the chain of events surrounding the two coaches…. I don’t like to cry racism every time a minority loses their job, but in this case, I can’t help but wonder.
BSU Can’t Schedule a Game
Alright, I discussed this last week, but I think that some recent things coming to light necessitate me talking about it some more. No, not the fact that the school is selling stock in the Athletic department programs (code for “Give us money for the football team”, seriously, read the article about it).
So, BSU is looking for a game in 2011 to fill in the 13th game given by playing at Hawaii (a stupid rule in general, but that’s an argument for a different day). SO far, they have contacted several major universities, including ones apparently looking for a game. They will play at the other school, and won’t request a home-and-home. Pretty sweet deal, right? So, you have to wonder what all this will cost the other school.
Well, sources on espn.com are currently reporting that the asking price for BSU is around the one million dollar mark. I’m going to pause and let that sink in for a second.
Shitty schools don’t get paid that much to come get trounced (usually, about 500k-800k is the norm). Why in the hell would a program like Florida, or Texas, or Alabama, or USC pay that much money to BSU for a situation that is of almost zero benefit to them?
Let’s break down why, exactly, a major team will more than likely NOT take BSU on their 2011 schedule. Also, this is a good place to stop a differentiate from a major team, and a team that is in a major conference. List of Major Teams: USC, Texas, Oklahoma (yes, I know), Florida, Alabama, LSU, Ohio State, Penn State. These are the teams that everyone is assuming that BSU is talking to. This is different from teams in major conferences, such as Tennessee (whose head coach Lane Kiffin was the inspiration for this segment). Anyway, keep that in mind as you read this next part, explaining why it is a lose/lose situation for a team to schedule them for 2011.
-Beat them? “Great, you beat a team from the WAC.” Now, before you rub together those two brain cells and start writing me an incoherent hate mail, let me truthify you. THIS IS GOING TO BE THE PERCEPTION OF ALMOST 95% OF THE PEOPLE WHO MATTER IN COLLEGE FOOTBALL, NO MATTER HOW HIGHLY RANKED BSU IS. Fair or not (I think it is somewhat fair, but that’s because I think the entire ranking system is a crock of shit), that will be the perception.
-Get beat by them? “You just lost to a mid-major from the WAC.” See above for why this sucks for them.
-Then, there is this issue that Lane Kiffin brought up when he was discussing this (meaning yes, it is almost certain that BSU contacted the Vols for a game). Idaho (the state) is not a hotbed of recruitable football players. Yes, BSU has a few local boys, but the vast majority of talent at both FBS schools in the state comes from out of state. So playing a game against BSU doesn’t really help their recruiting all that much, especially when compared to say, the UCLA-Tenn. series of the past two seasons.
-One big point that I have been a proponent of people knowing but seems to get glossed over: Schedules are usually decided years in advance, ESPECIALLY marquee OOC games. BSU would have much better luck trying for the 2013 extra game than the 2011 one.
Anyway, it’s a mostly boring issue that people here seem to be flipping out about, with full on rhetoric about “they’re afraid of us” and my personal favorite “they don’t want to play on the BLUE” (think about it for a second).
Oh, and the best thing BSU could do to help make this game happen? Ask for less money.
Special Visitor!
Well ladies and gentlemen, last week I was asleep in bed, when I had a visitor in my dreams. I’ll let you read this 100% accurate transcript of what happened.
AFN: Wha? Where did the girls from House go?
??: AFN, this is your Lord and Master.
AFN: John Elway? You usually don’t appear in my dreams until after the sexy girls. Then we win the Super Bowl and World Series together in the same year.
??: No, it is me. Jesus Christ.
AFN: Oh. Hey, ‘sup?
JC: Nothing much, my son. I wished to discuss your blog with you.
AFN: This… doesn’t end well for me, does it?
JC: Actually, we find it quite humorous. St. Peter loves a good fart joke.
AFN: Oh, sweet.
JC: However, I would like to talk to you about how hard you are on Boise State. Don’t you think that, maybe, they have earned a break from your razor-sharp wit?
AFN: Well, maybe…
JC: I mean, they did win the Fiesta Bowl three seasons ago.
AFN: Yeah, but it’s a “What have you done for me lately” league, and a 1-5 record in bowl games isn’t the most impressive, even if the win was a BCS bowl.
JC: But they were the only undefeated team at the end of that season!
AFN: But at what point does going undefeated through a bad conference become so impressive? If USC, or Texas, or any number of current BCS schools plays that schedule, they go undefeated year in year out.
JC: Be that as it may, in my mind they were the national champs that year.
(Note: At this point, I awoke)
AFN:……. Wait a second…. National championship for BSU…… Talk about undefeated in the WAC being somehow impressive…. YOU AREN’T JESUS CHRIST AT ALL! You’re former Boise State quarterback Jared Zabransky, aren’t you?!
(Imagine my surprise to see him standing beside my bed)
FBSUQBJZ:…. Yeah, it’s me.
AFN: Hey, how’s that top five quarterback draft pick treating you?
FBSUQBJZ: Fuck you…. You have twenty bucks I can borrow?
AFN:…. Get out of my house.
And there you have our special “celebrity” “guest.” But don’t worry AngryFootballFollowers, I’ve since changed the locks on the doors to make sure that this never happens again.
(Please note: If the bit previous to this disclaimer offended you, I’m sorry. SORRY YOU’RE SUCH A WEENIE!)
Angry’s Heisman Ballot, this week
1. Case Keenum, Houston QB
2. A Boy named Suh, Nebraska
3. NOBODY ELSE IN THE COUNTRY IS EVEN CLOSE TO DESERVING IT THIS YEAR, GOD HELP YOU ALL IF IT GOES TO TIM TEBOW
Welp, that’s all for this week. Be back next week, when I talk about the BSU-Idaho game, and no matter what happens, turn it into something that will make some of you happy, and others of you merely smugly condescending (until you realize the joke is on you).
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
HOLY CRAP THIS UPDATE IS HUGE!
Welcome to another edition of the week in football. I’m veering away from talking about each individual game at this point. Mostly because it’s getting difficult to be funny about things like Minnesota beating Michigan State. Also because I a have a lot I want to talk about this week. Let’s get it started. Oh, and to keep you enticed and reading, I have a HUGE announcement at the end.
On USC’s loss to Oregon
I’m sure many of you are expecting me to flip out in anger over the shellacking that the Ducks gave the Trojans. Well, prepare for disappointment! As frequently happens in football, the better team won. The Ducks, if it wasn’t for their first three games and how they played in them, would be sitting comfortably at number 2 or 3 (since #1 is reserved for an SEC team). USC lost a hell of a lot of talent to the draft last year, and is currently starting a true freshman quarterback. So yeah, they have to rebuild just like everybody else does. Anyway, look for Oregon to dominate the Big 10 champ in the Rose Bowl this year, and a much better game with a less predictable ending from USC in whatever BCS bowl takes them at-large (assuming they don’t get popped by Arizona, which they had better not as I will be there in person).
On Iowa’s Inexplicable Ability to Win Games
See, this is why even if they win out (no promise there), they won’t be in the Championship. Playing exceptionally well for one quarter does not make up for playing one of the most pathetic games of football ever seen for three quarters. Plus, needing the refs to take away a legit touchdown by the other team to sap their momentum? Yeah, the Hawkeyes deserved to lose that game, and it is only by virtue of the terrible reffing this year and some flat out LUCK that they are undefeated.
Let’s Talk Boise State, local media!
Ahhhhh, here’s where it gets fun. First off, let me start by saying that crushing two Bottom 10 teams (Hawaii and SJSU) does not suddenly mean that you are an incredibly impressive team and everyone should forget about the struggles with Tulsa (who has since gone on to prove that they are also remarkably poor) and UC Davis.
Secondly, please stop pretending that the Oregon game was the most impressive game of the season (nationally). I mean, for one thing, the team that was both higher ranked and favored won, sapping it of all drama (save the Blount Force Trauma at the end). Also, I don’t know if I am the only one who remembers it, but BOTH teams looked like dogshit for large parts of that game; BSU just looked less like dogshit.
Related to that point is the following: Oregon is going to pass you in the rankings. Face it. That is part of having a weak conference (pause here for insults to U of I, who at 7-2 have done their part to improve the WAC), and outside of Oregon, a downright pathetic Out of Conference (Pause here for “Idaho couldn’t beat X team!”). Because like it or not, the polls are a “What have you done for me lately?” situation. And a win by 11 points in week 1 looks pretty weak next to beating multiple top 25 teams, including handing the 5th ranked team in the nation (and, let’s be honest, probably 5th ranked team of this decade) their worst loss since 2001.
And in regards to bitching about the rankings: All credit to Coach Pete and the players in this matter, because they are doing the sensible thing. But quit saying “All BSU needs is for TCU to lose!” That leaves out one important fact: THE ENTIRE REST OF THE FOOTBALL SEASON! Ask USC what happens when you look past a team. Ask Oklahoma. Ask Michigan. Ask Florida. But just in case their lines are busy, I’ll give you the answer. When you look past games, and act as if they are already over two weeks before they are played, you lose games.
Finally, and this one goes almost entirely to local commercials and Channel 7, but at this point, it is officially PATHETIC to be showing highlights from the Fiesta Bowl. Run the damn two-point conversion in the season opening montage. That’s great, an awesome way to get people fired up. Run it again at any point in the season, or talk about it as if it still has any relevance in the slightest, and you are going to start reminding people that the Fiesta Bowl was 3 seasons ago, and BSU hasn’t seen any bowl success since then.
NOT SO FAST MY FRIEND! This is why I’ve been updating the blog later in the week this season; it allows for more delightful news to come out. The Idaho Statesman is running a story in which Karl Benson is claiming that no team will fill a hole in BSU’s 2011 schedule for an away game. Now, this has no impact at all on anything at this point. I mostly wanted to use this as an opportunity to rag on Karl “I wear short sleeve t-shirts in commercials” Benson*. But until you release the names of the schools that have been contacted and refused (which, at this time, all that has been mentioned is several teams have refused, which in the mind of everyone who posts at the Statesmans website means Florida, USC, Texas, and other perennial top ten teams), this is nothing more than a sadly probably successful attempt to rile up a fanbase that is already pissed about everything.
Coach Robb Akey, Coach of the Year
Obviously, I don’t expect all of you to agree with me on this. Of course everyone is going to vote for his or her teams coach. But I am here to tell you why you should, if you actually grasp the concept of the award, vote for Robb Akey over Meyer/Richt/Paterno/Tressell/Carroll.
Look at Idaho last year. 2-10 with wins over Idaho State and New Mexico State. Terrible by any standard except “Who beat a bad FCS school and a bad FBS school” which I just made up and I doubt is a standard at all.
Now, look at Idaho this year. 7-2 so far, undefeated at home, 3-1 in non-conference play (which by the stupid as hell “chain of defeats” standard means that they beat Ohio State). Losses are to Washington (a game in which they looked much better than USC, who also lost to Washington) and Nevada (in a game that can only be described as a total lack of defense from either team).
The two teams consist of many of the same players from year bad to year good. The difference here is that they finally have a coach that has both stuck around longer than two years (Piss off Holt and Erickson), not recruited thugs (FUCK OFF ERICKSON), and has yet to be accused of breaking any jaws or beating any ex-wives/girlfriends (Side note: does anybody actually believe that Tom Cable didn’t commit these crimes? Because if so, I have a bridge I’d like to sell you). Akey has convinced a team that everyone had given up on (including themselves) that they can win games. And they are doing it.
Sure, it’s easy to be successful when you have a quarterback who has been literally compared to Jesus Christ, or can recruit from any state in the country, or play a schedule consisting of one game and 11 scrimmages (in which you still manage to lose at least 2 of those games per year). To be successful with what you have, when you have it? To turn a team around from one that is a mainstay on espn’s Bottom 10 into a team receiving votes in the major polls? To take a team ranked 119 out of 120 into a team currently ranked 34 in the BCS?
That takes Coach of the Year.
A brief Interlude:
Go ahead and read this link while you recover from my truth bombs, because more are on the way.
Wasn’t that great? My favorite was the one at the end. Anyway, on to the vitriolic hatred that keeps you coming back here, week in week out!
URBAN MEYER IS A SCUMMY PIECE OF SHIT AND A PATHETIC HUMAN BEING; ALSO THE SEC IN GENERAL CAN GO TO HELL
Before I start, you have to watch this video. I’m sure many of you have already seen it, but still, you need to know the context in which I am ranting.
Now that you have watched that video, let me explain the aftermath.
Urban Meyer, Flordia’s Tebow ballwiper and resident King of the Douches, has suspended Brandon Spikes for this attempt at CRIPPLING A PERSON FOR LIFE.
For the first half of Florida’s game against Vanderbilt.
Please note: Spikes has since suspended himself for the entire game, showing that at least he gets it. Also, the Georgia player who was nearly blind in one eye after Spikes was through with him has since said that he shouldn’t be punished. Which of course a player is going to say. He’s not going to come out bitching “They should suspend him for what he did to me!” Anyway, since Spikes is apparently the only person involved with Florida to have a god damned ounce of dignity, he will be spared my wrath this article.
With his attempted punishment, Urban Meyer just took a big fat dump on you. He pulled his pants down and dropped the kids off at the pool of the collective college football fans of America. He pinched a loaf off in the face of the SEC and the NCAA. And when he was done, he wiped his ass with your tie/skirt, and you smiled and took it.
WHERE IS THE FUCKING OUTRAGE ABOUT THIS? Urban Meyer said, essentially, “I don’t give a flying fuck if one of my (not right now) players LITERALLY ATTEMPTS TO RUIN THE LIFE OF SOMEONE ELSE. I will not hurt our chances of another national championship (Stop that!) for anything. We are above (I told you no!) the SEC, as we have proven in the past (get your hands off of that!). None of you puny (Timmy, at least wait until the conference is done before you take my pants off!) asswipes can stop us!”
And the SEC? “We accept Coach Meyer’s punishment, as we “did not notice” the blatantly obvious personal foul that would be an automatic ejection and suspension if it were committed by, say, any other team in the nation. Seriously, we want Florida to win out. And if we have any say in it, they will! GO GATORS!”
“But Angry! Shit like that happens in piles all the time! You can’t punish someone when they get caught! What about all the times he didn’t do that, and all the people who got away with it?” Ok, here is my response to that: Theft happens all the time. You can’t punish someone when they get caught. What about all the days they didn’t steal from someone? And what about the people who get away with it?
Again, let me give a (very small) amount of credit to Brandon Spikes for taking himself out of the game this weekend. That credit is rescinded, by the way, should he suit up for any reason. Which, given Coach Shitheel’s current thought processes, will happen if Florida should somehow find themselves struggling against the Commodores.
A BIG ANNOUNCEMENT
Well, this is something that has been stirring for me all season. I was going to wait until the BCS games were announced, but I can’t wait any longer.
Ladies and Gentlemen,
Florida has officially pushed BSU out of my number one most hated team spot.
I know some of you are curious, but let me assure you, BSU is still 120/121 (the extra team is some hypothetical team consisting of Jimmy Clausen, Tim Tebow, Golden Tate and Satan, sitting at 119) on the list of teams that I would cheer for. But I have grown accustomed to them.
What I cannot stand for one minute more is the media fawning over the Gators. Talking about Tebow for Heisman. Outright saying that they will be in the BCS National Championship game (who can remember what I said about looking past teams; also Florida doesn’t have a coach like Chris Peterson who can tell them to shut the fuck up). During games, not even mentioning anything the other team does unless it allows an opportunity to talk about Florida (See you in hell Verne Lundquist!).
Yes, it’s true. I hate them worse than the most hated team of my first 23 years on this planet.
I’m sorry to the many of you who are disappointed in this news.
Angry’s Heisman Ballot, were he lucky enough to actually vote
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
(See, the joke is that nobody in college football deserves it this year)
Anyway, that wraps it up for this week. Next week, barring some huge news, the funny should come back in massive? quantities.
*Seriously Karl, you wore a red t-shirt in the WACs commercial. This is how you present the Western Athletic conference, from BSU to NMSU, to the nation. In the much-maligned Big 10 conference, their commercial features all of the coaches in suits. You couldn't even put a decent collared shirt on, and you wonder why nobody respects the WAC?
Saturday, October 17, 2009
Live Blogging the day away!
Alright sports fans, here it is. The fabled LiveBlog! I'll update this specific post any time I feel like updating. So, without wasting your time, here we go! (Also, a warning upon a reading through what I've already said today: This is definitely a rated R blog update)
8:30 AM: I am woken up by the doorbell at my parents house (I stayed here because they have a nicer TV and access to most games. Don't say I never did anything for you fans). I ignore this, because anyone who would need to get ahold of me would know to call me.
9:30 AM: A quick shower, and I prepare my breakfast. What am I having, you ask? A Guinness. This day could be something wonderful.
9:59 AM: And Corso picks Texas to the surprise of nobody. You know, say what you want about Gameday, the guys have great chemistry together and manage to put together a genuinely entertaining show. Also, my pick? Hook 'em Horns!
10:01 AM: Regarding last year's Big-12 Debacle- Texas would have lost to Florida as well. Really, they should be thrilled that they got Ohio State in a BCS game, since the only team more likely than Oklahoma to lose a big game is Ohio State.
10:11 AM: And we are underway. Good play Oklahoma to start it off (Note: I am not going to update every single play).
10:13 AM: Holy shit, that was a stunning play. DeMarco Murray is a phenomenal player. Now, if he could be on a team with a coach that isn't known for choking...
10:15 AM: And the Red River Shootout sees its first points in an OU field goal. Oh, by the way, if you refer to it as the Red River Rivalry, you have no soul.
10:18 AM: I'm not sure if that kickoff wasn't actually a shitty kick, instead of trying to keep it away from Shipley. Anyway, let's see what McCoy can do here.
10:21 AM: Welp, he can fumble, that's for sure.
10:22 AM: Oh shit Bradford is down. No matter who you cheer for in a game, you hate to see an injury. Unless you're an asshole.
10:25 AM: Yeah, Landry "I look like I hide in Bushes and Follow Teenage Girls Around" Jones isn't going to cut it in this game for the Sooners. Also, I was relieved to see that they didn't call OU for getting next to Shipley on the punt. Last year, this game was marred by a horrid 'Roughing the Kicker" call. I'm hopeful that this year we won't see anything too bad this year. I am sure, however, that we will have at least one stupid review that either overturns a huge play (incorrectly), or spends a good 5-10 minutes only to confirm an obvious play. In other news, the instant replay in college has officially jumped the shark.
10:29 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 1 And it's time for another beer.
10:31 AM: Does anybody else remember last season when Texas lost their back-up center because ten minutes after Obama was elected, he posted "Can't believe that fucking (n-word) got into the White House." Yeah, his profile picture was him snapping to a black QB. Whoops. Huge PI call on UT.
10:35 AM: And another field goal makes it 6-0 OU. Also, I liked the first Jimmy Football Bud Light commercial (the Grooler) was good, and I would actually buy a grooler. The other ones have just been awful.
10:39 AM: Dear Colt McCoy, There are other receivers on the team besides Shipley. You should try to throw it to them.
10:43 AM: First off, overturning that completion was absolutely the right call. Secondly, I love neutral site games. Every team should have one per year.
10:48 AM: Dear Texas, please learn to Tackle thanks in advance.
10:49 AM: Landry Jones is trying so hard to throw a pick. Keep reaching for that rainbow, you creepy looking backup QB.
10:53 AM: Missed field goal by OU. Let's see some actual offense from either team now.
10:58 AM: If Wisconsin beat Iowa, I will be incredibly happy today. 10-0 Badgers.
11:02 AM: Will that fumble scratch Landry's itch to throw a pick? I doubt it, but only time will tell!
11:06 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 2 and yeah, that was a good call refs.
11:29 AM: Huh, a facemask. That's a good way to fuck up a sweet punt.
11:35 AM: First, that was a terribly stupid penalty for that Texas player. That could very well cost him playing time next week. Second, I am very curious to see where this play ends up. I can't tell who gets possession, much less where.
11:38 AM: Ok, so you can't advance the muffed kick. Texas ball on the OU 18. Maybe some offense will happen?
11:44 AM: Nope, offense will not happen. 6-3 is not a score that anybody likes to see in the RRS.
11:46 AM: Even though they (Texas) did recover the fumble, can we, as a nation, move past saying " Team X is saying they recovered." EVERY FUCKING PLAYER for each team thinks that they got it on a any fumble that is even remotely contested. It does not deserve to be said.
11:51 AM: That was an amazing read-option by Colt, and I hope that the call on the field is reversed. But looking at the replay, I doubt it...
11:55 AM: Did anybody else hear a spring sound effect when that ball was fumbled by OU? Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
11:56 AM: Please let there be a safety here. I want to go into the halftime with a score of 6-5.
12:00 PM: I don't know if I'm watching the best game of all time or the worst. And I can't believe that I'm excited for halftime so I can watch Big-10 football. That should never be the superior choice to Big-12 games, especially THE Big-12 game.
12:10 PM: And the first play I see in the Wisconsin-Iowa game is a wonderful fingertip catch on Iowa's part. Already, this game is better than OU-UT.
12:12 PM: And a couple plays later leads to the first TD I've seen all day.
12:25 PM: And we're back to the Red River Slapfight. Will either team show up, or am I doomed to watch the worst/best/worst game ever?
12:28 PM: Why is it only now I discover that Purdue is leading Ohio State 23-7 in the 3rd? Holy shit, if they lose, that would be wonderful.
12:48 PM: And the Red River Shitout sees the first touchdown with half the 3rd quarter gone. Texas is showing signs of life, but how will OU respond?
12:50 PM: In honor of the first touchdown, I am having a 16 ounce Bud Light.
12:53 PM: You know, I want to say that, with the massive amount of flags being thrown, that this game has had a ton of shitty calls, but they've been pretty accurate. That said, occasionally letting them play wouldn't go amiss. Also, 40ish minutes until USC-Notre Dame.
12:56 PM: Nice hands no hands.
12:57 PM: Hey, another touchdown! This one by OU. Assuming the point after is good, we are tied at 13s. Yup, it's good.
1:05 PM: Bud Light really does have superior drinkability.
1:06 PM: I haven't watched it, but I wish that ABC would stop making announcers plug FlashForward, since I am positive that it is a terrible show. SPOILER ALERT: They aren't going to change anything, and exactly what they saw would happen is going to happen.
1:09 PM: 2:37 left in Ohio State-Purdue, 18-26 Purdue. Hold fast Boilermakers. I want to be able to HOLY SHIT YES HUGE SACK ON TERELLE "I AM A BAD QUARTERMANN" PRYOR say that Idaho could beat tOSU. See, because they couldn't beat Purdue, who got beat by Northern Illinois, who got beaten by the Vandals.
1:13 PM: 2 minutes left, Purdue ball after tOSU 4-and-out. Do this Boilermakers. DO IT.
1:16 PM: And Ohio State just lost the game on a Facemask. TRESSELBALL.
1:18 PM: Texas FG.
1:23 PM: I'm just going to post this again. Ohio State lost to one of the bottom 3 Big Ten teams on a Facemask penalty. TRESSELBALL. Or, from what I've seen of it, a better way to describe it might be PRYORBALL.
1:32 PM: Alright, with the exception of the OU-UT clusterfuck, the new batch of games is starting. Nebraska plays host to Texas Tech, in a game featuring the only player fit to win the heisman this year, Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska's beastly Dlineman. Seriously, he is the only player in the NCAA right now who is even close to deserving it. (PS, Big UT int just now). Seriously, it's about damn time that the Heisman stop being a QB/RB award. This year, barring an epic explosion of suck on the Man Named Suh's part, it is a god damned insult if the award goes to anyone else.
1:36 PM: I am slightly nervous for the ND-USC game. First off, I am going to go hoarse yelling at the shitty NBC announcers, who are the biggest ND homers in the world. Example: They just called ND's offense High Powered. Yup, high powered is the term I would use to describe a team that needs last second heroics from a decent quarterback to beat incredibly shitty teams. Yes, I know UW beat USC, please don't bother mentioning it.
1:40 PM: In the interests of full disclosure, I've stopped caring about the Red River Horridgame.
1:42 PM: I retract that previous statement. Apparently, OU picked off McCoy. A few plays later, UT picked off Landry. The only thing that sums up this game? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ
1:44 PM: Yeah, that was blatant PI on ND. You can't tackle the receiver like that, and especially not when you are trying to get him in a chokehold.
1:47 PM: In another full disclosure moment (and one that will never be redacted), what I said about only assholes wanting injuries? I actually want Jimmy Clausen to get some horrible, quality of life to 0 injury in this game, as he is by far the biggest douche in college football. And it burns me up that if they win today (which again, they very well could), not only will they almost certainly go to a BCS bowl (calling it: they go from 25 into the top 12 with a win, no matter how ugly), but Clausen will get the Heisman.
1:49 PM: Texas is going to win by 3. Have the ball, OU has no timeouts, and there is less than 2 minutes.
1:51 PM: Love the NBC announcers no mention of the ND fumble out of bounds at the end of their first offensive play. It makes no difference, but expect to see them gloss over any negatives about the Irish they possibly can.
1:54 PM: Thank Thor that one is over. If OU even flirts with being ranked again this year, then I will lose whatever tiny amount of faith I still have in pollsters.
2:00 PM: Ok, all critics to Matt Barkley: Kindly shut it. That was a hell of a drive, 7-0 SC.
2:04 PM: Weis thinks running the ball is the key to them winning. That might be tough, with an amazing D-Line against a mediocre at best O-Line.
2:05 PM: From another football forum: "Seriously, a QB named Colt McCoy at Texas is the best argument for intelligent design I've ever seen."
2:16 PM: And the refs seem to fucking LOVE giving Notre Dame an extra yard on the spots. Seriously, he wasn't even close on that 3rd and 1.
2:20 PM: That was a pretty sweet fake FG on ND's part. But against a worse defense, that's a touchdown. Of course, the TD on the next play makes it suck just as bad.
2:21 PM: Keep looking smug, Clausen you fucker. Notice how when it came time for a big play, your team relied on the FG holder to make the big pass. Also, that shouldn't be a touchdown, he was about a foot short when his knee hit. Of course they don't overturn it, but it was pretty obvious.
2:25 PM: "Did you see how many blue jerseys were around the line of scrimmage there? At least 8." I counted. There were five. Not that that makes the tackle any less painful, but this announcing is wretched.
2:38 PM: Of course when Florida is down to Arkansas halfway through the second my CBS channel goes out. I'm guessing that the announcers called every affiliate possible and told them to stop broadcasting, because the amount of fellatio they are giving Tebow will actually get them brought up on obscenity charges.
2:41 PM: "It's been the Irish trickery that's kept them in the game so far. But with very few gimmicks." Seriously, junior high kids could do a better job of announcing. They could at least try not to contradict themselves the very next sentence.
2:43 PM: That could have been PI, but from the angle that the announcers were bitching about the lack of a call, you could see the defender kind of making a play for the ball. That means it wasn't as bad of a no-call as the NBC chucklefucks thought it was.
2:47 PM: Yeah, that pretty clearly didn't touch anybody from USC. If it did, it managed to touch him and then continue with absolutely no change in trajectory.
2:48 PM: The best way to sum up the OU-UT game is this image right here (go go nerds!)
2:51 PM: Uh-oh, incoming Barkley as Tebow reference coming... Wait, this is NBC... The SEC doesn't exist in their minds. Which is probably for the best, as can you imagine how bad these idiots would be with a good quarterback and team to cheer for? Also, that was a sweet catch on that PI play.
2:57 PM: That better be overturned, what with him clearly down before the ball came out. Edit: Yup, they got that one right.
3:01 PM: And USC with the FG!
3:19 PM: Alright, so after the half is when one of the teams is going to run away with it I think. On to the Idaho-Hawaii game, tied at 7s.
3:23 PM: the ESPN plus announcers just referred to Hawaii coach Greg McMackin as a "nice guy." This is the same coach that got in deep shit for his homophobic comments in the preseason. Yeah, sure sounds like a nice guy to me.
3:25 PM: 14-7 Idaho on an absolutely gorgeous touchdown pass!
3:40 PM: And we're back with the Fight for the Jeweled Shillelagh. Let's see which team comes out after the half.
3:45 PM: *Calls Matt Barkley bad for underthrowing a pass that the receiver has to come back for*
*Gives credit to Jimmy Clausen for trusting his receiver to come back to the pass he underthrew*
*Is an announcer for NBC college football*
3:49 PM: HUGE STOP for USC on 4th and 1. Which is now getting measured, because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS SPOT..... Which still comes up short. In your face ND/NBC!
3:51 PM: Two realizations hit me. First, to play QB at Hawaii you must be ugly (seriously, they have some of the ugliest QB's ever). Second, I am actually cheering against NBC in the USC/ND game.
3:56 PM: Tebow sacks are like sex, except he's having them.
4:00 PM: After getting sacked (with what looked like a little extra curricular hit on him) Matt Barkley retaliates by throwing a touchdown pass.
4:09 PM: Touchdown Notre Dame, but ya gotta love the NBC announcers getting pissy that they review the play.
4:13 PM: I've touched on this before, but it is absurd when a defensive player celebrates a tackle that wasn't for loss. Unless it literally won the game for you, then all you did was let the offense gain yards. Case in point, Te'o for ND celebrating a tackle that was on an eight yard gain.
4:16 PM: Touchdown Trojans!
4:21 PM: Absurd PI on USC.
4:25 PM: Yeah guy for ND, turns out you can't run into the punt returner when he signals fair catch. Even these homer announcers know that.
4:30 PM: So, I finally found a channel broadcasting the Arkansas Florida game. All the bad thigns I've said about the USC-ND announcers? yeah, multiply that by 100 for the announcers on this game. They are incapable of saying ANYTHING positive about Arkansas. Shit, they just scored the go-ahead touchdown, and these bags of shit are acting like Florida has already won.
4:41 PM: So, I got distracted by roommate showing up and had to recount how bad some of the calls today have been. Anyway, ND-USC is now 20-34. Florida-Arkansas is 20-20
4:52 PM: A Florida fan on espn.com said that after they come back and win this, everyone will hate them again. I was kind enough to assure him that everybody hated them anyway.
4:53 PM: Florida's kicker's last name is Sturgis. Only a few readers will understand this, but that makes me hate them even more.
4:55 PM: 27-34 in the USC Notre Dame game, 20-20 still in Florida Arkansas. My heart, she is exploding.
5:00 PM: (probable) Final score in the UF-Ark game: Arkansas 20, Refs 23
5:03 PM: Seriously, those refs in the Florida game should be fired, and their relatives should be fired from their jobs for that God damn absurd display of homerism. "Obvious False Start? Nah, we aren't going to call that, that could hurt Florida's chances. Offensive PI? NOT ON MY WATCH! Gentlemen, under my command, Florida will never get called for a penalty again."
5:12 PM: I can feel the years of my life flying out the window with this USC ND ending...
5:14 PM: that was the biggest fucking bullshit call ever.
5:21 PM: One second left... Also, despite what you may think, I'm not enough of a homer to want a shitty ending like that. There was absolutely 1 second left on the clock after that play.
5:23 PM; Trojans win! Terrible last play there from Jimmy "Heisman" Clausen. Can't wait to hear Lou Holtz spin this one into ND playing for the BCS Championship. On to the Idaho game.
5:28 PM: First, let's hear it for Notre Dame's leading receiver, Ground! Second, the best part f that one second left call? ND lost twice in one minute.
5:29 PM: The realization has sunk in. USC is going to get punished in the polls more than Florida will, despite beating a better team than they did by more. Florida isn't the number one team in the nation media and coaches, but don't let that simple fact stop you from putting them there.
5:39 PM: 28-17 Idaho with 9 minutes left.
5:49 PM: Sweet fumble recovery Idaho.
5:50 PM: This is the funniest thing I have ever read. From The Football Funhouse (at somethingawful.com) "You know goons, we all deal with a lot in our day to day lives and games like Notre Dame vs USC are colorful distractions that can divert us from the things in life that are truly important. And I think each of us has had a solemn reminder of that today and more specifically in this thread. For no matter how important it may seem when our teams charge out of the tunnel on Saturday, when it feels like the weight of the world is against us we all need to take a big step back, put things in perspective and remember that fuck Florida forever."
5:53 PM: So, apparently just really awesome blocking is Holding now? Terrible flag.
5:55 PM: And then Idaho loses control on a false start and a hold. Also, the more I looke at Greg McMackin, the more I think he should be a Disney villain. Look at that guy! You can't tell me that he wouldn't be better suited to threatening to burn down the plucky orphanage to make a parking lot for a mini-mall or something.
5:58 PM: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN AWESOME PASS!
6:05 PM: TOUCHDOWN VANDALS!!!!!!!!
6:10 PM: Hawaii with a meaningless touchdown. And then a fumble on the 2 pt. conversion means that they stay well short of the spread.
6:14 PM: Hawaii recovers the onside kick. 14 seconds left, down by 12.
6:15 PM: And I think that officially makes three games where a Shiloh Keo pick wins it, even if this time it wasn't necessary to save the game.
6:25 PM: So, BSU to a big time bowl, Winner of Nevada vs. Idaho to Hawaii bowl, loser to the H-Bowl I'm thinking. And Fresno State to the New Mexico Bowl.
6:44 PM: Well sports fans, I'm going to declare this live blog done at this point. Sure, there are still games going on. Important ones, too. But, on the other hand, I have consumed nothing but beer today and was just offered a ride to Five Guys. So, I hope you all enjoyed this Live Blog edition of the AngryFootballNerd. See you when I see you!
8:30 AM: I am woken up by the doorbell at my parents house (I stayed here because they have a nicer TV and access to most games. Don't say I never did anything for you fans). I ignore this, because anyone who would need to get ahold of me would know to call me.
9:30 AM: A quick shower, and I prepare my breakfast. What am I having, you ask? A Guinness. This day could be something wonderful.
9:59 AM: And Corso picks Texas to the surprise of nobody. You know, say what you want about Gameday, the guys have great chemistry together and manage to put together a genuinely entertaining show. Also, my pick? Hook 'em Horns!
10:01 AM: Regarding last year's Big-12 Debacle- Texas would have lost to Florida as well. Really, they should be thrilled that they got Ohio State in a BCS game, since the only team more likely than Oklahoma to lose a big game is Ohio State.
10:11 AM: And we are underway. Good play Oklahoma to start it off (Note: I am not going to update every single play).
10:13 AM: Holy shit, that was a stunning play. DeMarco Murray is a phenomenal player. Now, if he could be on a team with a coach that isn't known for choking...
10:15 AM: And the Red River Shootout sees its first points in an OU field goal. Oh, by the way, if you refer to it as the Red River Rivalry, you have no soul.
10:18 AM: I'm not sure if that kickoff wasn't actually a shitty kick, instead of trying to keep it away from Shipley. Anyway, let's see what McCoy can do here.
10:21 AM: Welp, he can fumble, that's for sure.
10:22 AM: Oh shit Bradford is down. No matter who you cheer for in a game, you hate to see an injury. Unless you're an asshole.
10:25 AM: Yeah, Landry "I look like I hide in Bushes and Follow Teenage Girls Around" Jones isn't going to cut it in this game for the Sooners. Also, I was relieved to see that they didn't call OU for getting next to Shipley on the punt. Last year, this game was marred by a horrid 'Roughing the Kicker" call. I'm hopeful that this year we won't see anything too bad this year. I am sure, however, that we will have at least one stupid review that either overturns a huge play (incorrectly), or spends a good 5-10 minutes only to confirm an obvious play. In other news, the instant replay in college has officially jumped the shark.
10:29 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 1 And it's time for another beer.
10:31 AM: Does anybody else remember last season when Texas lost their back-up center because ten minutes after Obama was elected, he posted "Can't believe that fucking (n-word) got into the White House." Yeah, his profile picture was him snapping to a black QB. Whoops. Huge PI call on UT.
10:35 AM: And another field goal makes it 6-0 OU. Also, I liked the first Jimmy Football Bud Light commercial (the Grooler) was good, and I would actually buy a grooler. The other ones have just been awful.
10:39 AM: Dear Colt McCoy, There are other receivers on the team besides Shipley. You should try to throw it to them.
10:43 AM: First off, overturning that completion was absolutely the right call. Secondly, I love neutral site games. Every team should have one per year.
10:48 AM: Dear Texas, please learn to Tackle thanks in advance.
10:49 AM: Landry Jones is trying so hard to throw a pick. Keep reaching for that rainbow, you creepy looking backup QB.
10:53 AM: Missed field goal by OU. Let's see some actual offense from either team now.
10:58 AM: If Wisconsin beat Iowa, I will be incredibly happy today. 10-0 Badgers.
11:02 AM: Will that fumble scratch Landry's itch to throw a pick? I doubt it, but only time will tell!
11:06 AM: "Shipley and McCoy are roommates" count: 2 and yeah, that was a good call refs.
11:29 AM: Huh, a facemask. That's a good way to fuck up a sweet punt.
11:35 AM: First, that was a terribly stupid penalty for that Texas player. That could very well cost him playing time next week. Second, I am very curious to see where this play ends up. I can't tell who gets possession, much less where.
11:38 AM: Ok, so you can't advance the muffed kick. Texas ball on the OU 18. Maybe some offense will happen?
11:44 AM: Nope, offense will not happen. 6-3 is not a score that anybody likes to see in the RRS.
11:46 AM: Even though they (Texas) did recover the fumble, can we, as a nation, move past saying " Team X is saying they recovered." EVERY FUCKING PLAYER for each team thinks that they got it on a any fumble that is even remotely contested. It does not deserve to be said.
11:51 AM: That was an amazing read-option by Colt, and I hope that the call on the field is reversed. But looking at the replay, I doubt it...
11:55 AM: Did anybody else hear a spring sound effect when that ball was fumbled by OU? Boi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoi-yoing!
11:56 AM: Please let there be a safety here. I want to go into the halftime with a score of 6-5.
12:00 PM: I don't know if I'm watching the best game of all time or the worst. And I can't believe that I'm excited for halftime so I can watch Big-10 football. That should never be the superior choice to Big-12 games, especially THE Big-12 game.
12:10 PM: And the first play I see in the Wisconsin-Iowa game is a wonderful fingertip catch on Iowa's part. Already, this game is better than OU-UT.
12:12 PM: And a couple plays later leads to the first TD I've seen all day.
12:25 PM: And we're back to the Red River Slapfight. Will either team show up, or am I doomed to watch the worst/best/worst game ever?
12:28 PM: Why is it only now I discover that Purdue is leading Ohio State 23-7 in the 3rd? Holy shit, if they lose, that would be wonderful.
12:48 PM: And the Red River Shitout sees the first touchdown with half the 3rd quarter gone. Texas is showing signs of life, but how will OU respond?
12:50 PM: In honor of the first touchdown, I am having a 16 ounce Bud Light.
12:53 PM: You know, I want to say that, with the massive amount of flags being thrown, that this game has had a ton of shitty calls, but they've been pretty accurate. That said, occasionally letting them play wouldn't go amiss. Also, 40ish minutes until USC-Notre Dame.
12:56 PM: Nice hands no hands.
12:57 PM: Hey, another touchdown! This one by OU. Assuming the point after is good, we are tied at 13s. Yup, it's good.
1:05 PM: Bud Light really does have superior drinkability.
1:06 PM: I haven't watched it, but I wish that ABC would stop making announcers plug FlashForward, since I am positive that it is a terrible show. SPOILER ALERT: They aren't going to change anything, and exactly what they saw would happen is going to happen.
1:09 PM: 2:37 left in Ohio State-Purdue, 18-26 Purdue. Hold fast Boilermakers. I want to be able to HOLY SHIT YES HUGE SACK ON TERELLE "I AM A BAD QUARTERMANN" PRYOR say that Idaho could beat tOSU. See, because they couldn't beat Purdue, who got beat by Northern Illinois, who got beaten by the Vandals.
1:13 PM: 2 minutes left, Purdue ball after tOSU 4-and-out. Do this Boilermakers. DO IT.
1:16 PM: And Ohio State just lost the game on a Facemask. TRESSELBALL.
1:18 PM: Texas FG.
1:23 PM: I'm just going to post this again. Ohio State lost to one of the bottom 3 Big Ten teams on a Facemask penalty. TRESSELBALL. Or, from what I've seen of it, a better way to describe it might be PRYORBALL.
1:32 PM: Alright, with the exception of the OU-UT clusterfuck, the new batch of games is starting. Nebraska plays host to Texas Tech, in a game featuring the only player fit to win the heisman this year, Ndamukong Suh, Nebraska's beastly Dlineman. Seriously, he is the only player in the NCAA right now who is even close to deserving it. (PS, Big UT int just now). Seriously, it's about damn time that the Heisman stop being a QB/RB award. This year, barring an epic explosion of suck on the Man Named Suh's part, it is a god damned insult if the award goes to anyone else.
1:36 PM: I am slightly nervous for the ND-USC game. First off, I am going to go hoarse yelling at the shitty NBC announcers, who are the biggest ND homers in the world. Example: They just called ND's offense High Powered. Yup, high powered is the term I would use to describe a team that needs last second heroics from a decent quarterback to beat incredibly shitty teams. Yes, I know UW beat USC, please don't bother mentioning it.
1:40 PM: In the interests of full disclosure, I've stopped caring about the Red River Horridgame.
1:42 PM: I retract that previous statement. Apparently, OU picked off McCoy. A few plays later, UT picked off Landry. The only thing that sums up this game? http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZnHmskwqCCQ
1:44 PM: Yeah, that was blatant PI on ND. You can't tackle the receiver like that, and especially not when you are trying to get him in a chokehold.
1:47 PM: In another full disclosure moment (and one that will never be redacted), what I said about only assholes wanting injuries? I actually want Jimmy Clausen to get some horrible, quality of life to 0 injury in this game, as he is by far the biggest douche in college football. And it burns me up that if they win today (which again, they very well could), not only will they almost certainly go to a BCS bowl (calling it: they go from 25 into the top 12 with a win, no matter how ugly), but Clausen will get the Heisman.
1:49 PM: Texas is going to win by 3. Have the ball, OU has no timeouts, and there is less than 2 minutes.
1:51 PM: Love the NBC announcers no mention of the ND fumble out of bounds at the end of their first offensive play. It makes no difference, but expect to see them gloss over any negatives about the Irish they possibly can.
1:54 PM: Thank Thor that one is over. If OU even flirts with being ranked again this year, then I will lose whatever tiny amount of faith I still have in pollsters.
2:00 PM: Ok, all critics to Matt Barkley: Kindly shut it. That was a hell of a drive, 7-0 SC.
2:04 PM: Weis thinks running the ball is the key to them winning. That might be tough, with an amazing D-Line against a mediocre at best O-Line.
2:05 PM: From another football forum: "Seriously, a QB named Colt McCoy at Texas is the best argument for intelligent design I've ever seen."
2:16 PM: And the refs seem to fucking LOVE giving Notre Dame an extra yard on the spots. Seriously, he wasn't even close on that 3rd and 1.
2:20 PM: That was a pretty sweet fake FG on ND's part. But against a worse defense, that's a touchdown. Of course, the TD on the next play makes it suck just as bad.
2:21 PM: Keep looking smug, Clausen you fucker. Notice how when it came time for a big play, your team relied on the FG holder to make the big pass. Also, that shouldn't be a touchdown, he was about a foot short when his knee hit. Of course they don't overturn it, but it was pretty obvious.
2:25 PM: "Did you see how many blue jerseys were around the line of scrimmage there? At least 8." I counted. There were five. Not that that makes the tackle any less painful, but this announcing is wretched.
2:38 PM: Of course when Florida is down to Arkansas halfway through the second my CBS channel goes out. I'm guessing that the announcers called every affiliate possible and told them to stop broadcasting, because the amount of fellatio they are giving Tebow will actually get them brought up on obscenity charges.
2:41 PM: "It's been the Irish trickery that's kept them in the game so far. But with very few gimmicks." Seriously, junior high kids could do a better job of announcing. They could at least try not to contradict themselves the very next sentence.
2:43 PM: That could have been PI, but from the angle that the announcers were bitching about the lack of a call, you could see the defender kind of making a play for the ball. That means it wasn't as bad of a no-call as the NBC chucklefucks thought it was.
2:47 PM: Yeah, that pretty clearly didn't touch anybody from USC. If it did, it managed to touch him and then continue with absolutely no change in trajectory.
2:48 PM: The best way to sum up the OU-UT game is this image right here (go go nerds!)
2:51 PM: Uh-oh, incoming Barkley as Tebow reference coming... Wait, this is NBC... The SEC doesn't exist in their minds. Which is probably for the best, as can you imagine how bad these idiots would be with a good quarterback and team to cheer for? Also, that was a sweet catch on that PI play.
2:57 PM: That better be overturned, what with him clearly down before the ball came out. Edit: Yup, they got that one right.
3:01 PM: And USC with the FG!
3:19 PM: Alright, so after the half is when one of the teams is going to run away with it I think. On to the Idaho-Hawaii game, tied at 7s.
3:23 PM: the ESPN plus announcers just referred to Hawaii coach Greg McMackin as a "nice guy." This is the same coach that got in deep shit for his homophobic comments in the preseason. Yeah, sure sounds like a nice guy to me.
3:25 PM: 14-7 Idaho on an absolutely gorgeous touchdown pass!
3:40 PM: And we're back with the Fight for the Jeweled Shillelagh. Let's see which team comes out after the half.
3:45 PM: *Calls Matt Barkley bad for underthrowing a pass that the receiver has to come back for*
*Gives credit to Jimmy Clausen for trusting his receiver to come back to the pass he underthrew*
*Is an announcer for NBC college football*
3:49 PM: HUGE STOP for USC on 4th and 1. Which is now getting measured, because of the FUCKING RIDICULOUS SPOT..... Which still comes up short. In your face ND/NBC!
3:51 PM: Two realizations hit me. First, to play QB at Hawaii you must be ugly (seriously, they have some of the ugliest QB's ever). Second, I am actually cheering against NBC in the USC/ND game.
3:56 PM: Tebow sacks are like sex, except he's having them.
4:00 PM: After getting sacked (with what looked like a little extra curricular hit on him) Matt Barkley retaliates by throwing a touchdown pass.
4:09 PM: Touchdown Notre Dame, but ya gotta love the NBC announcers getting pissy that they review the play.
4:13 PM: I've touched on this before, but it is absurd when a defensive player celebrates a tackle that wasn't for loss. Unless it literally won the game for you, then all you did was let the offense gain yards. Case in point, Te'o for ND celebrating a tackle that was on an eight yard gain.
4:16 PM: Touchdown Trojans!
4:21 PM: Absurd PI on USC.
4:25 PM: Yeah guy for ND, turns out you can't run into the punt returner when he signals fair catch. Even these homer announcers know that.
4:30 PM: So, I finally found a channel broadcasting the Arkansas Florida game. All the bad thigns I've said about the USC-ND announcers? yeah, multiply that by 100 for the announcers on this game. They are incapable of saying ANYTHING positive about Arkansas. Shit, they just scored the go-ahead touchdown, and these bags of shit are acting like Florida has already won.
4:41 PM: So, I got distracted by roommate showing up and had to recount how bad some of the calls today have been. Anyway, ND-USC is now 20-34. Florida-Arkansas is 20-20
4:52 PM: A Florida fan on espn.com said that after they come back and win this, everyone will hate them again. I was kind enough to assure him that everybody hated them anyway.
4:53 PM: Florida's kicker's last name is Sturgis. Only a few readers will understand this, but that makes me hate them even more.
4:55 PM: 27-34 in the USC Notre Dame game, 20-20 still in Florida Arkansas. My heart, she is exploding.
5:00 PM: (probable) Final score in the UF-Ark game: Arkansas 20, Refs 23
5:03 PM: Seriously, those refs in the Florida game should be fired, and their relatives should be fired from their jobs for that God damn absurd display of homerism. "Obvious False Start? Nah, we aren't going to call that, that could hurt Florida's chances. Offensive PI? NOT ON MY WATCH! Gentlemen, under my command, Florida will never get called for a penalty again."
5:12 PM: I can feel the years of my life flying out the window with this USC ND ending...
5:14 PM: that was the biggest fucking bullshit call ever.
5:21 PM: One second left... Also, despite what you may think, I'm not enough of a homer to want a shitty ending like that. There was absolutely 1 second left on the clock after that play.
5:23 PM; Trojans win! Terrible last play there from Jimmy "Heisman" Clausen. Can't wait to hear Lou Holtz spin this one into ND playing for the BCS Championship. On to the Idaho game.
5:28 PM: First, let's hear it for Notre Dame's leading receiver, Ground! Second, the best part f that one second left call? ND lost twice in one minute.
5:29 PM: The realization has sunk in. USC is going to get punished in the polls more than Florida will, despite beating a better team than they did by more. Florida isn't the number one team in the nation media and coaches, but don't let that simple fact stop you from putting them there.
5:39 PM: 28-17 Idaho with 9 minutes left.
5:49 PM: Sweet fumble recovery Idaho.
5:50 PM: This is the funniest thing I have ever read. From The Football Funhouse (at somethingawful.com) "You know goons, we all deal with a lot in our day to day lives and games like Notre Dame vs USC are colorful distractions that can divert us from the things in life that are truly important. And I think each of us has had a solemn reminder of that today and more specifically in this thread. For no matter how important it may seem when our teams charge out of the tunnel on Saturday, when it feels like the weight of the world is against us we all need to take a big step back, put things in perspective and remember that fuck Florida forever."
5:53 PM: So, apparently just really awesome blocking is Holding now? Terrible flag.
5:55 PM: And then Idaho loses control on a false start and a hold. Also, the more I looke at Greg McMackin, the more I think he should be a Disney villain. Look at that guy! You can't tell me that he wouldn't be better suited to threatening to burn down the plucky orphanage to make a parking lot for a mini-mall or something.
5:58 PM: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AN AWESOME PASS!
6:05 PM: TOUCHDOWN VANDALS!!!!!!!!
6:10 PM: Hawaii with a meaningless touchdown. And then a fumble on the 2 pt. conversion means that they stay well short of the spread.
6:14 PM: Hawaii recovers the onside kick. 14 seconds left, down by 12.
6:15 PM: And I think that officially makes three games where a Shiloh Keo pick wins it, even if this time it wasn't necessary to save the game.
6:25 PM: So, BSU to a big time bowl, Winner of Nevada vs. Idaho to Hawaii bowl, loser to the H-Bowl I'm thinking. And Fresno State to the New Mexico Bowl.
6:44 PM: Well sports fans, I'm going to declare this live blog done at this point. Sure, there are still games going on. Important ones, too. But, on the other hand, I have consumed nothing but beer today and was just offered a ride to Five Guys. So, I hope you all enjoyed this Live Blog edition of the AngryFootballNerd. See you when I see you!
Friday, October 16, 2009
More Coaches to Possibly Party With
Alright football fans, first, let me apologize. I didn't have an update for last week's games, and that is all on me. I got distracted with real life issues, and basically just forgot to do it. To make it up to you, I am planning on LiveBlogging Week 7's games! Stay on this website for up to the minute updates on what I think, as well as an insight into just how much I can drink by myself before being guilted by my own conscience into stopping (Happy Birthday Mom!).
Anyway, since I asked for suggestions on more coaches, you wonderful folks have been pouring in ideas. I thought I would share some of the better ones with you.
Dennis Erickson:
He spends the three months before your party claiming that he can help your "weak" party be the best party ever. You are really excited because he is, after all, Dennis Erickson. You trusted him once before and he drilled you in the ass, but this time things seem better. Instead, he brings a bunch of ex-convicts and lousy hookers to your party and makes it worse. He gets too drunk, blacks out, and gets raped by the ex-convicts. The hookers drink all your beer and don't put out. Erickson wakes up in Tempe, Arizona, and promptly ruins their party too.
Nick Saban:
I initially tried to be creative with some comparison between Jesus and Peter. Peter betraying Jesus three times. Similar to Saban's betrayal of Louisiana, Miami, and inevitably Alabama. Instead I will keep it very simple.
Anyone who wears a hat like his straw sombrero while on the sidelines of a division one football game is automatically a dick. On second thought, just don't invite him.
Those two are courtesy of an anonymous reader. The next ones are courtesy of my very own AngryFootballBrother, who when he reads this needs to get off his ass and write that guest article I told him I wanted.
Anyway, since I asked for suggestions on more coaches, you wonderful folks have been pouring in ideas. I thought I would share some of the better ones with you.
Dennis Erickson:
He spends the three months before your party claiming that he can help your "weak" party be the best party ever. You are really excited because he is, after all, Dennis Erickson. You trusted him once before and he drilled you in the ass, but this time things seem better. Instead, he brings a bunch of ex-convicts and lousy hookers to your party and makes it worse. He gets too drunk, blacks out, and gets raped by the ex-convicts. The hookers drink all your beer and don't put out. Erickson wakes up in Tempe, Arizona, and promptly ruins their party too.
Nick Saban:
I initially tried to be creative with some comparison between Jesus and Peter. Peter betraying Jesus three times. Similar to Saban's betrayal of Louisiana, Miami, and inevitably Alabama. Instead I will keep it very simple.
Anyone who wears a hat like his straw sombrero while on the sidelines of a division one football game is automatically a dick. On second thought, just don't invite him.
Those two are courtesy of an anonymous reader. The next ones are courtesy of my very own AngryFootballBrother, who when he reads this needs to get off his ass and write that guest article I told him I wanted.
Rick Neuheisel: After talking big all night and making a few bets about how he's going to get the number of the hottie dancing in the corner, he makes a few ineffectual and half-assed attempts to pick her up. She quickly loses interest and is later seen leaving the party with Pete Carroll.
Jeff Tedford: Makes a huge attention-grabbing entrance, does a couple keg stands, kicks ass in a few games of beer pong (the REAL kind, with paddles, not that pussy Beirut nonsense), and is generally the toast of the party for the first hour or so. Later, when it's his turn to play pong against some solid opponents, he's found passed out naked in the corner of the yard, covered in his own vomit. You leave him there, as no one wants to touch him.
Mike Locksley (New Mexico): In addition to arriving with Tom Cable, who's like the creepy college guy at a high school party, Locksley shows up already drunk and takes every drinking game way too seriously. Eventually he and Cable start fighting anyone and everyone on the front lawn, until you remind them that they have one win between them and they are laughed off your property.
Dan Hawkins: Leaves your party halfway through to go to some douchey downtown club. When the bouncers won't let him in because he brought along a minor (his son), he comes crawling back, begging you to let him back in. Unfortunately, you are at capacity, and he's last seen screaming at his son as he forces him to do wind sprints down the middle of the street. (AFN Note: And then Cody tries to escape the state in a weather balloon)
Finally, we have one that is an amalgamation of the thoughts of the GAG, myself, and the AngryFootballMother.
Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino: They both hover around the buffet table. You pay them no mind really, figuring that they are harmless. But, after a couple hours, you hear a scuffle. Charlie is being a huge asshole to not only Mark, but also anybody nearby who passes within a chubby arm's length. Eventually, you gather a big group of the other coaches and literally roll Weis out of the party. Mangino gets to stay, because really, what bad can you say about the guy?
Welp, see you all in 11 hours for the LiveBlog!
Finally, we have one that is an amalgamation of the thoughts of the GAG, myself, and the AngryFootballMother.
Charlie Weis and Mark Mangino: They both hover around the buffet table. You pay them no mind really, figuring that they are harmless. But, after a couple hours, you hear a scuffle. Charlie is being a huge asshole to not only Mark, but also anybody nearby who passes within a chubby arm's length. Eventually, you gather a big group of the other coaches and literally roll Weis out of the party. Mangino gets to stay, because really, what bad can you say about the guy?
Welp, see you all in 11 hours for the LiveBlog!
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